Have you ever been on a certain mind set of how your life should go? Thoughts about age, career, education and destinations in life. You don't necessarily compare it to someone elses life (or you might) but you have this over all assumption about what's next or should be next.
Have you ever prayed so hard for something it consumes your mind and being? Something pointless (now that I look back upon it) Here's some history for you. I can remember my senior year of high school kneeling in front of my bed and praying that it wouldn't rain on my graduation day so that I could walk on the same football field my brother graduated on three years before me. I can remember crying because I thought it would ruin my plans. It would ruin those amazing moments if we had to be crammed inside the auditorium. I had always had a knack for being able to "predict" when it would rain. We voted on the destination of our senior class trip in January for May and I already knew it would rain because where we had chosen to go was Dourney Park and every single time I've gone there it has rained. So there for I had this strange feeling that it would rain on graduation day. Sure enough, they announced it would be inside and I was so bitter.
This was a rather stupid example, I will admit but none the less it was a legit concern and focus that I had at that time in my life. To bring it to a better view, Lets bring up the five years I spent in school, the last year being one of the most frustrating/ enlightening years of my entire life.
Most wouldn't think that it's a good thing when you enter your fifth year of under grad. I was one of those people for a long time. When I entered my fifth year of school, I was in a town filled with people I didn't really know. Without a support system that had kept me grounded for two years and frustration of materialistic things like school bills, loans and food to feed myself plus rent that I was scrapping up to get by. I was in the midst of figuring myself out a bit more after a year of searching I was frustrated with a lot of things in my life including how I was stuck in "Happy Valley" for another semester with nothing but a serving job and a constant stress and struggle of class. Not to mention a broken foot. I was praying out of frustration for things I thought I wanted at the time. Thought I needed. But that's the thing about God. If I am going to be bold here I wont beat around the bush... God knew what I needed, I did not. So through the frustration and the chaos of a semester I thought was going to be my hardest one yet, turned out to be the semester that saved my entire life. Something that I never even thought needed to happen until it happened. God continues to lead me to destinations in my life that bring me through some of the darkest times and the most murky times, providing clarity. I can't say that this is how it always goes. There are things I have yet to understand about why certain situations have happened and at those specific times but times that I thought my life would end because MY plans haven't gone accordingly, God for sure told me so. He's taught me amazing things in an earthly amount of short time.
Pray boldly for what you want. In time you might actually find that things you pray for whether that be understanding or a need for something, may indeed bring you towards clarity and a better understanding of what you really actually want instead or a better picture of what you are asking for. God wants us to ask. He already knows but He wants us to ask him. He wants us to lean and learn. So my prayers have changed. What do I want? I want to know Him more. I want to live more like His son. I want to love more. I want bold words to speak through me in hard times to help shed light on personal and other situations. I want to surrender it all to him.
I can't really say that this post has even slightly ended up making sense or connecting smoothly but...Does it always really need to? Thoughts aren't always clearly stated. Not even when they are flowing out of your fingers.
I do know that writing helps me. I certainly haven't been doing enough of it. So it is time for a change.
This is my current plan.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Captured Wanderings
It's so interesting how when the breeze hits the trees, how that flow of air can cause a different unique movement from each leaf it touches. The same can relate to different air flow that carries words and thoughts. Each ear that that air touches causes a different reaction of thoughts and understandings. Some can just go with it, some can take the beating. While others might become rattled by the breeze, shaking and looking unstable but holding ground. And some fall. For some that last breathe caused them to shake and fall. Never to be the same again...But they are just leafs aren't they?
These thoughts wander the same as conversation. How is it that at one point we are talking about sand paper and tree cookies when the very next moment we are discussing favorite books and verses from the bible (My campers favorite book)? It's a far stranger thought to think of how thoughts produce different lights and perspectives on situations and how they both open and close doors, creating fresh air to gasp in or a cold room to sit exposed and vulnerable.
I have been learning a lot about my own thoughts lately. My prayers have been for clarity and bold words to speak true to not only those whom surround me but also to myself. Prayers that long for His presence and encouragement through all of the chaos that has been these lasting moments of my life currently. So far this is what has been translated and distinguished:
I can't be anything I am not. There are so many things I wish I were but wishful thinking is a fake state of mind...Life's not like the movies and we as individuals change all the time. Life is not always "all that and a bag of chips" Or a fruit snack, or a water melon, or brownie, or cup cake, or a cold beer. It is not something that has been produced by man. It has been given to you by a powerful God because He is fulfilling a purpose through you. I want to love people...
It's so strange and yet so incredible when God slips His way into conversation creating new perspective and enlightenment...Frustration and growth.
Something to add...
These thoughts wander the same as conversation. How is it that at one point we are talking about sand paper and tree cookies when the very next moment we are discussing favorite books and verses from the bible (My campers favorite book)? It's a far stranger thought to think of how thoughts produce different lights and perspectives on situations and how they both open and close doors, creating fresh air to gasp in or a cold room to sit exposed and vulnerable.
I have been learning a lot about my own thoughts lately. My prayers have been for clarity and bold words to speak true to not only those whom surround me but also to myself. Prayers that long for His presence and encouragement through all of the chaos that has been these lasting moments of my life currently. So far this is what has been translated and distinguished:
I can't be anything I am not. There are so many things I wish I were but wishful thinking is a fake state of mind...Life's not like the movies and we as individuals change all the time. Life is not always "all that and a bag of chips" Or a fruit snack, or a water melon, or brownie, or cup cake, or a cold beer. It is not something that has been produced by man. It has been given to you by a powerful God because He is fulfilling a purpose through you. I want to love people...
Something to add...
Monday, April 18, 2011
You Have my Attention
Never quite sure how to begin an entry when you want to write yet you don't. You have a lot of things to talk about and yet you'd rather not put in the effort at times. Wishing those who read this (who ever that might be) were here so you could just chat and converse over a good chai or perhaps just the comfort of seeing someones eyes in line with your own. Knowing for sure that you have their attention and nothing can shake it.
At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...
Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.
This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.
So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.
I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.
When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.
At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...
Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.
This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.
So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.
I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.
When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Ink and a Sleeping Bag
In the midst of this bubble. I have realized things. Things like days blending. Things like emotions dangling. Things like attachment to things... People, seasons, scents, breezes and heart strings. From my core of friends I am the only unmarried and the only single person in this chain... I feel as though I am on one side of the fence while they are on the other with their "other". While I sit here I am ok with that while a little voice in the back of my head panics saying... where's mine? When new interests flow and others venture out on that limb of attraction, wanting to know that other better, it is where my heart begins to ache in the middle of rejoicing.
The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.
Matthew 6
Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting.
I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.
The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.
Matthew 6
Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting.
I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"I'm in California"
Candid moments. There is something about candid moments. Seeing pure emotion. It is an interesting thought to think how often pictures are being taken and how often we pose for these pictures. Asking to retake purity so that we look "more natural" yet more fake than ever. Candid shots of laughter and kind smiles. Soft touches and giggles from side conversations. Intense words mixed with hand placement that to me, screams to be captured. Last night the thought crossed my mind while I was having a conversation about this coming summer with Joy. Discussing summer life and guiding on the canopy.
After having a long overdue chat with Jenna Givens, with 2,000 miles of static in between, her words were crystal clear, "You can't rely on human relationship, the Lord needs you to be fully devoted to Him first and for most."
I am still reading Numbers... Yes I know, I know. It has been both a struggle and a very enlightening experience. I find myself numbing out while reading it which then, causes me clarity on where I need to disicpline myself more when it comes to being more intune with what I'm reading. Today for instance, I read Numbers 23:18-24... You can look into it yourself if you so please but This area caused me to think in multiple different directions today as I looked out the window of the cafe while reading and writing.
"It is true and it is real."
The reading frustrates me yet, intrigues me. All while it feels like the sun has set all day long with these thick clouds that makes eyes sleepy. My thoughts keep falling back... "I'm 24"..."I'm in California"...And these first times are the times in which I have never imagined myself to be.
The rain hits puddles like quick time old fashioned photography of people ice skating on ponds. I have not been a student for 10 months. So much has happened in 10 months and it's such an interesting though to think out upon where I will be in another year. Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. "I am in California...How did this come to be?"I have found that many have asked me this question and it still makes me heart leap with overflowing joy. God brought me here. This is where He told me to go. This was a major stepping stone in my trust with the Lord. And just as I have been talking with Jenna, God has never led us astray. It has always been ourselves. While not listening to God. God continues to lead us places with incredible community and how come we still falter to trust in Him? Trusting in the Lord with all your heart while being broken and learning and obeying that trust instead of taking short cuts to try and understand or predict where the Lord will lead you. Making plans that aren't even relevant at times...I've gone off track a bit, let me back up...
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Stunning truths and yet we continue to trip and stumble over our human tendencies. But our realizations of these tendencies do not make us Jesus. They don't make us, "more like Jesus." We will never be Jesus. Or anywhere close. It's not about me. It's about working towards better and living by example of an amazing savior. I'm feeling a bit more a live these days and a bit more broken...This is a very good thing.
Praise God.
After having a long overdue chat with Jenna Givens, with 2,000 miles of static in between, her words were crystal clear, "You can't rely on human relationship, the Lord needs you to be fully devoted to Him first and for most."
I am still reading Numbers... Yes I know, I know. It has been both a struggle and a very enlightening experience. I find myself numbing out while reading it which then, causes me clarity on where I need to disicpline myself more when it comes to being more intune with what I'm reading. Today for instance, I read Numbers 23:18-24... You can look into it yourself if you so please but This area caused me to think in multiple different directions today as I looked out the window of the cafe while reading and writing.
"It is true and it is real."
The reading frustrates me yet, intrigues me. All while it feels like the sun has set all day long with these thick clouds that makes eyes sleepy. My thoughts keep falling back... "I'm 24"..."I'm in California"...And these first times are the times in which I have never imagined myself to be.
The rain hits puddles like quick time old fashioned photography of people ice skating on ponds. I have not been a student for 10 months. So much has happened in 10 months and it's such an interesting though to think out upon where I will be in another year. Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. "I am in California...How did this come to be?"I have found that many have asked me this question and it still makes me heart leap with overflowing joy. God brought me here. This is where He told me to go. This was a major stepping stone in my trust with the Lord. And just as I have been talking with Jenna, God has never led us astray. It has always been ourselves. While not listening to God. God continues to lead us places with incredible community and how come we still falter to trust in Him? Trusting in the Lord with all your heart while being broken and learning and obeying that trust instead of taking short cuts to try and understand or predict where the Lord will lead you. Making plans that aren't even relevant at times...I've gone off track a bit, let me back up...
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Stunning truths and yet we continue to trip and stumble over our human tendencies. But our realizations of these tendencies do not make us Jesus. They don't make us, "more like Jesus." We will never be Jesus. Or anywhere close. It's not about me. It's about working towards better and living by example of an amazing savior. I'm feeling a bit more a live these days and a bit more broken...This is a very good thing.
Praise God.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Whatever the weather
This afternoon I believe that the cold that I have been fighting for the last four or five days was blown away by my spirits as they soared after we finished our hike late due to exciting exploration and adventure. After two classes of learning a lot about forests and everything in them mixed with a crazy amount of hiking up, up, up... The conversation with my 5th graders went as follows:
Me: "Hey crew, I'm really sorry we still have to hike back and we are already 11 minutes late for free-time."
Nineteen 5th graders freaking out at me: "We don't even care about free-time!!!!! We're having way too much fun!!!! This is the best week of camp, EVER!!!"
POW, stuffy nose and sore throat, RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
Me: "Hey crew, I'm really sorry we still have to hike back and we are already 11 minutes late for free-time."
Nineteen 5th graders freaking out at me: "We don't even care about free-time!!!!! We're having way too much fun!!!! This is the best week of camp, EVER!!!"
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