Trails and Time Zones

2:32am in west coast territory but here on the east people are used to it, they just call it by a different name, 5:32am. Much more accurate considering the amount of sleep that I got last night. This hour is passing as slowly as molasses yet I am perplexed as to how I got to this airport terminal. Didn’t I just get off a plane a couple of hours ago? Oh right… it was two weeks ago. 

“You have done so much in your time home”, my mother told me as I hugged her before putting my back pack on this morning. Looking back upon it, I have. I’ve seen a lot of people and have had many different conversations. I have thought a lot, prayed a lot and continued to surrender a lot. 

3:45am (6:45am): As we touched down in a fist pumping state in the loudest propeller plane, I think to myself while Lady GaGa pumped through my head phones, “I’ve been higher than that on my own two feet”. I kindly asked the stewardess what our highest elevation was and she replied, “Around 10,000 feet”…"Thanks".

I don’t know what it is but when traveling, music is suitable for any time of day. Lady GaGa came on and I was in the mood. There is so much uniform scheduled into flights boarding and taking off. But somehow, once the sun is up it easily feels like it’s setting or in the midst of a late morning lullaby.

I have realized I barely took any photographs while visiting home, so unlike me. I guess it’s just something you do when you are trying to grasp more than just a surface memory of a visual experience. I wanted more than just snap shots, more than a story to tell. 

In the whirlwind that was an east coast tour, I questioned a lot, talked A LOT and found that I still really don’t know anything. But I’m learning to let go of that. I’m learning as always to continue to let go of a lot and surrender it.

2:30pm (2:30pm): My heart, I think it might have tried to jump out of my chest and sprint to the end of the run way. With the last few hours of travel I have had many thoughts and many conversations with myself.  I got to speak with the lovely Jenna Michelle and we prayed. It was swell to hear her voice and hear her passions crash through the receiver and into my ear... Into my heart.

Chain reactions: Chains of thoughts slamming through my brain as I continue to pray for these battles and journeys ahead of me. 

All the while my heart is swelling to be here again. It is good.

East Coast

Warm Summer nights...
Fireflies...
Summer rains...
Deep conversation...
Home teams...


It's hard for me to begin somewhere when I have already begun from many different places. Returning however seems to be a lot easier than beginning. What I'm saying is that to begin somewhere can be very exciting, unknown and overwhelming. However, returning to somewhere that you have already had a beginning seems all the more exciting because it's something that you know... but different. It is new, refreshing, enlightening, full of healing and soothing... And I'm not even home yet, but it's a start.

Old places mixed with new surroundings doesn't really change much. Locations of kitchen tables have changed. But conversations are still familiar mixed  with deep debate and discussion that is always welcomed. These last couple of days my head has been wrapped around thoughts I am beginning to see from an outside view, a different perspective. It has been good.

I've been waking up at 9am while my body says, "No way, 6am"! So I sleep until 10am and strut into the humid morning breathing in the Summer air of Birch trees and White Pines.  Walking along a creek and feeling the air heavy in my lungs. It feels so different but the familiar overrides while feeling like a child again.

I have noticed that a lot of times smells specifically have been taking me back to my childhood. Perhaps because that is the slowest most remembered part of my life. Lately I feel that my recent years have been nothing but a whirlwind. Being here, now, entirely...kind of has helped me slow down and realize that I haven't done it until recently more often. Though we should do it EVERYDAY.

My life is changing before my eyes...I keep trying to predict it...It is time to quit that habit. 

Back to Where I Began

August 3rd, 2011

11:43am: I have a corner office with a window view of a world below me that is a beautiful haze…

Side note: I really enjoy when I write and listen to music, while writing a certain word it is also sung through my ears.  “Love will make you beautiful”-The Afters

Like my eyes feel when I’m in between sleep and awake there is something that creates a smile within my being. The thought of flying at speeds I can’t even begin to wrap my head around, to get me back to where I began almost a year ago when I began this journey with a prayer and a phone call. As I walked across the grounds last night, still like so many times, I couldn’t even handle the unreal thought of still not being able to comprehend walking on a path way in the woods of California. I can recall sitting three years ago in front of Amy Smith speaking of this feeling in the depths of me. Speaking of setting my eyes towards the west. Other people to reach out to, Yes there are plenty of people to meet and serve on the east side but the west is becoming louder, deafening compared to when I was eleven and wanting to go to school in Colorado for shredding perks. People, kids, a purpose… And so far it has been good. I reflect on that conversation often.

As I fly through the airwaves and as the clouds to my left resemble scooped ice cream, I pray  thanks that life is not like clouds. Life is something you can grasp.

Stuck Like Glue.

Have you ever been on a certain mind set of how your life should go? Thoughts about age, career, education and destinations in life. You don't necessarily compare it to someone elses life (or you might) but you have this over all assumption about what's next or should be next.

Have you ever prayed so hard for something it consumes your mind and being? Something pointless (now that I look back upon it) Here's some history for you. I can remember my senior year of high school kneeling in front of my bed and praying that it wouldn't rain on my graduation day so that I could walk on the same football field my brother graduated on three years before me.  I can remember crying because I thought it would ruin my plans. It would ruin those amazing moments if we had to be crammed inside the auditorium. I had always had a knack for being able to "predict" when it would rain. We voted on the destination of our senior class trip in January for May and I already knew it would rain because where we had chosen to go was Dourney Park and every single time I've gone there it has rained. So there for I had this strange feeling that it would rain on graduation day. Sure enough, they announced it would be inside and I was so bitter.

This was a rather stupid example, I will admit but none the less it was a legit concern and focus that I had at that time in my life. To bring it to a better view, Lets bring up the five years I spent in school, the last year being one of the most frustrating/ enlightening years of my entire life.

Most wouldn't think that it's a good thing when you enter your fifth year of under grad. I was one of those people for a long time. When I entered my fifth year of school, I was in a town filled with people I didn't really know. Without a support system that had kept me grounded for two years and frustration of materialistic things like school bills, loans and food to feed myself plus rent that I was scrapping up to get by. I was in the midst of figuring myself out a bit more after a year of searching I was frustrated with a lot of things in my life including how I was stuck in "Happy Valley" for another semester with nothing but a serving job and a constant stress and struggle of class. Not to mention a broken foot. I was praying out of frustration for things I thought I wanted at the time. Thought I needed. But that's the thing about God. If I am going to be bold here I wont beat around the bush... God knew what I needed, I did not. So through the frustration and the chaos of a semester I thought was going to be my hardest one yet, turned out to be the semester that saved my entire life. Something that I never even thought needed to happen until it happened. God continues to lead me to destinations in my life that bring me through some of the darkest times and the most murky times, providing clarity. I can't say that this is how it always goes. There are things I have yet to understand  about why certain situations have happened and at those specific times but times that I thought my life would end because MY plans haven't gone accordingly, God for sure told me so. He's taught me amazing things in an earthly amount of short time.

Pray boldly for what you want. In time you might actually find that things you pray for whether that be understanding or a need for something, may indeed bring you towards clarity and a better understanding of what you really actually want instead or a better picture of what you are asking for. God wants us to ask. He already knows but He wants us to ask him. He wants us to lean and learn. So my prayers have changed. What do I want? I want to know Him more. I want to live more like His son. I want to love more. I want bold words to speak through me in hard times to help shed light on personal and other situations. I want to surrender it all to him.

I can't really say that this post has even slightly ended up making sense or connecting smoothly but...Does it always really need to? Thoughts aren't always clearly stated. Not even when they are flowing out of your fingers.

I do know that writing helps me. I certainly haven't been doing enough of it. So it is time for a change.

This is my current plan.

Captured Wanderings

It's so interesting how when the breeze hits the trees, how that flow of air can cause a different unique movement from each leaf it touches. The same can relate to different air flow that carries words and thoughts. Each ear that that air touches causes a different reaction of thoughts and understandings. Some can just go with it, some can take the beating. While others might become rattled by the breeze, shaking and looking unstable but holding ground. And some fall. For some that last breathe caused them to shake and fall. Never to be the same again...But they are just leafs aren't they?

These thoughts wander the same as conversation. How is it that at one point we are talking about sand paper and tree cookies when the very next moment we are discussing favorite books and verses from the bible (My campers favorite book)? It's a far stranger thought to think of how thoughts produce different lights and perspectives on situations and how they both open and close doors, creating fresh air to gasp in or a cold room to sit exposed and vulnerable.

I have been learning a lot about my own thoughts lately. My prayers have been for clarity and bold words to speak true to not only those whom surround me but also to myself. Prayers that long for His presence and encouragement through all of the chaos that has been these lasting moments of my life currently. So far this is what has been translated and distinguished:

I can't be anything I am not. There are so many things I wish I were but wishful thinking is a fake state of mind...Life's not like the movies and we as individuals change all the time. Life is not always "all that and a bag of chips" Or a fruit snack, or a water melon, or brownie, or cup cake, or a cold beer. It is not something that has been produced by man. It has been given to you by a powerful God because He is fulfilling a purpose through you.  I want to love people...

It's so strange and yet so incredible when God slips His way into conversation creating new perspective and enlightenment...Frustration and growth.  

Something to add...

You Have my Attention

Never quite sure how to begin an entry when you want to write yet you don't. You have a lot of things to talk about and yet you'd rather not put in the effort at times. Wishing those who read this (who ever that might be) were here so you could just chat and converse over a good chai or perhaps just the comfort of seeing someones eyes in line with your own. Knowing for sure that you have their attention and nothing can shake it.

At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...

Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.

This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.

So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.

I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.

When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.

Ink and a Sleeping Bag

In the midst of this bubble. I have realized things. Things like days blending. Things like emotions dangling. Things like attachment to things... People, seasons, scents, breezes and heart strings. From my core of friends I am the only unmarried and the only single person in this chain... I feel as though I am on one side of the fence while they are on the other with their "other". While I sit here I am ok with that while a little voice in the back of my head panics saying... where's mine? When new interests flow and others venture out on that limb of attraction, wanting to know that other better, it is where my heart begins to ache in the middle of rejoicing.

The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.

Matthew 6


Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting. 


I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.