Tea and Trinkets

1/29/11, 11:56 am, Hopland:
I decided I would drive a half hour north bound and stop at the first cafe I see. And it brought me to this very small, quaint place called Sunny's Donuts Bakery and Cafe. To my left I look out the window to see The Blue Bird Diner. I am currently the only one in here. Drinking some camomile tea and enjoying being somewhere I have never been, feeling lost and blended with the town yet content. As I drove here, rumble strips rattled as I became slightly distracted by landscapes. Reminds me of Ecuador. Hills of brush, trees and green patched up like train exhibit trinkets.

Ten days and I barely even had the chance to smell the amazing Ecuadorian flowers as we rushed from location to location trying to take in as much of the culture and lifestyles of the locals all while climbing vertical and gasping for air. Squinting to try and see many different shades of light that had been shed upon our hearts under the South Americana sun. In ten days I began to see language barriers being chipped at with chisels. How much of an impact it is to be submerged past your ears with beautiful hearts and minds wrapped around your arms and legs with little smiles and eyes full of dreams. Souls filled with faith. Makes you wonder...What's next?

I haven't brought the subject up a lot because I don't want to get my hopes up in case plans lead me to alternate directions. However my prayers have been loud and my heart is known. Questions keep circling in and out of various conversations and thoughts. All while stories and journeys continue to be shared and tears of joy and overwhelming grief cause my face to shine...South Africa.

I have been doing a lot of zoning lately... I wonder if I want to go to Africa and spread the gospel and serve or do I just want to go to be able to relate to those who have returned. Even from the moment I first found out about Alliance and the possibility of traveling to South Africa, it has intrigued me. Even before I met these souls it has reached out to my heart...

6 months is a long time and we are already two weeks in. where will the next weeks, days, hours lead my heart, where will God ask me to go? Will He even ask me to go? Or will I stay? These thoughts are just a trickle of what has been streaming through lately. It all makes us realize how much we really don't know or trust not only in ourselves but in the Lord. Even at twenty-four we are just beginning. Wondering how we got to where we are and when we felt so lost even just a couple of years ago. Thinking forward to how twenty-four would really feel... I am a roaming child whose heart is in the hands of her Father.

"El-Shaddai"-"God Almighty" Exodus 6:3
This book has been very challenging. I can see more and more how my eyes are stubborn at times to be opened. Everything is powerful about this book and I find myself completely lost in the thick of it. Seeing how powerful God really is. But why harden hearts when you can simply soften them and have families and ancestors understand all the more? Is it to learn to fear God more? Is it to physically feel His wrath as a reminder? How can that be if He causes you to go blind in your heart to cause you denial and push away any and all understandings?
Exodus 14 =intense. The final proving of the Lords power and the lasting faithfulness through Moses. Followers were skeptical then after that final act it again makes me question why even they, the Israelites, didn't put all trust in following even after the things they had witnessed back in Egypt.

I wear a ring every day that is seared with the word faith touching my skin on the inner part of the metal every time it is read it becomes more and more etched upon my heart. whispering a sweet reminder...

Live by faith, not my sight

Current Events

There are many things that are different than who I was 5 years ago. One thing being I currently live in California...

Is it weird that I corrected myself by saying "currently" instead of "now"? I mean currently is now. With the thought floating around in the back of my head, "How long will I live in California?", my mind drifted in the car on the winding road back to PA today. As the music played my mind left that car and began to float over memories of phases. As my Mothers head echoed in and out of my ears thinking back to certain events in my life and how she claimed that they were..."Just phases" from what I am interested in, to the car I currently drive, "Just phases". It makes me think about so many other phases in my life and how they have changed. How different I have been in the past and how different they have made me for today. Phases have lead me to this very spot, this bed on which I sit in a house nestled in the Redwood forest, surrounded by love and creation.

I am not questioning all of this just being a phase. I am stating that for the first time in my life it is not just an interest in which I emphasize upon.  It is not a trend. It is not a popular social status fake interest. It is not a pondering. For the first time in my 24 years of life, nothing has ever been so real to me than wanting to know Christ better. To serve Him and worship Him better.

Looking at Jeremiah 2:2, I continue to read some good Oswald Chambers that continues like this...
"Am I as filled to overflowing with love for Jesus Christ as I was in the beginning, when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? Does He ever find me pondering the time when I cared only for Him? Is that where I am now, or have I chosen man's wisdom over true love for Him? Am I so in love with Him that I take no thought where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him?"

This isn't a beat up sticker covered wagon that has carried me physically across a country. It is not a good song that I will play till I'm sick of or will grow tired of. I am thirsty. I am hungry for Him. My itchy feet cause me to want to give back to Him more and to love on Him even harder...
...I have never been so sure about anything before...and it feels really good.

"As I recall what God remembers about me, I may also begin to realize that He is not what He used to be to me. When this happens, I should allow shame and humiliation it creates in my life, because it will bring godly sorrow, and 'godly sorrow produces repentance...' (2 Corinthians 7:10)"

Where my head has been lately I find my thoughts becoming toxic...and this needs to stop immediately. Thoughts can consume the human mind and is often very hard to point yourself in another direction. Yanking yourself out of that state of mind every time you begin to fall, every time you begin to doubt...It continues to pull you in a different direction. So then the toxic fumes begin to thicken and deepen. We must remember to stay calm...and ask for help.
...I'm working on it.

I began to write this entry last night but lost interest... My state of mind is different today and yet what I've written still applies, and I'm not saying I have a bit more clarity...well I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I think I'm just going to emphasize on living in today and not worry about last night. I'll put it off to the side for a few hours.
It's sunny today and the sun feels good on my face. Surrounded by smiles and good music.  His creation in which I look our upon is just as stunning as ever.

Morning air Mist

Have you ever missed a place so much that once you return it feels like you never left, and yet it seems to good to be true? Imagining that it might possibly be the most realistic dream and you begin to wonder how much you are mumbling in your bed or how heavy your breathing might be, causing you to wake up in a cold sweat...Wishing it were real.

It is real and it's great! Though it feels like I never left, things feel extremely different. Not only faces and places, but my state of mind, my heart and my soul. Mellow would be a better word to describe the different...to an extent. Mellow with time and mellow with thoughts. More mellow with actions too. This morning helped me understand and realize a bit more of what I'm trying to interpret. Yet there are critical thoughts, questions and concerns...

Through the early morning air with redwood fog and a dark trail that was dimly lit by a head lamp and breathe filled conversation, Emily and I ran. We ventured blindly down the trail that led us to the still rather breathe consuming overlook that I had been shown on my very first run in California four months earlier. Though it was filled with moist damp creation,Swirling around like creamer in black coffee, it was still beautiful. Still overwhelming. Still home. Seeing water particles dance in the air past my head lamp I realized I had been having fuzzy vision. Both physically and mentally. My thoughts have been jumbling lately and I find myself a bit more spaced out. I blame it on laziness. It flowed from the trail into my morning hang out session with the Big Guy, like a distracting something or other keeping my thoughts away from the conversation He was trying to hold with me. I instantly called myself out for it. This brought a bit more clarity.

Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" January, 18th:
"Thomas answered and said to Him, 'My Lord and my God!' " (John 20:28).
"Jesus said to her, 'Give me a drink' " (John 4:7). How many of us are expecting Jesus Christ to quench out thirst when we should be satisfying Him! We should be pouring out our lives, investing our total beings, not drawing on Him to satisfy us. "You shall be witnesses to me..." (Acts 1:8). That means lives of pure, uncompromising, and unrestrained devotion to the Lord Jesus, which will be satisfying to Him wherever He may send us. Beware of anything that competes with your loyalty to Jesus Christ. The greatest competitor of true devotion to Jesus Christ is the service we do for Him. It is easier to serve than to pour out our lives completely for Him. The goal of the call of God is His satisfaction, not simply that we should do something for Him. We are not sent to do battle for God, but to be used by God in His battles. Are we more devoted to service than we are to Jesus Christ Himself?"

 ²⁸ “My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed.
 ²⁹ Then Jesus told him, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.”-John 20:28-29

...At times we can feel rather convicted after reading such things. Opening our eyes to bigger photographs and landscapes. Wondering what's next.

It's Just a Season thing.

And airports
See it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
'Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now...

It was Just Like That

Days pass slowly...
Laying with sleepy limbs between sleep and awake, wondering...upon many things before even becoming fully conscious.

Wondering...It was just like that.


Body and mind indecisive. Longing to just pull the covers over head and hide for a few more days, then moving to the couch to read.

My Mother kicked me out today. She told me to go have some fun.
But it's cold.
Blessed she did...

Big flakes, warm company and quiet tracks.
Today wasn't for the birds. Today was for us. Today was for the dreamers and for the believers of diggin Gods creation covered with sifted powdered sugar.

Cold air while lungs expand cause awakenings amongst the deep hiding places of the heart. And I am glad to be found in all of it.

Amen for real.

Working and Worshiping

"But the moment she stopped listening to Christ and made something other than Him the focus of her heart and attention, her perspective became very self-centered." John MacAurthur, 12 Extraordinary Women

I have been reading this book for the last 2 weeks and have very much enjoyed getting to know some of these incredible women, studying more and looking into what MacAurthurs interpretations are. Relating somewhat like most people tend to do when we are looking for answers or further understanding. Reading chapter 9, Martha and Mary: Working and Worshiping... This is such an incredible chapter. Breaking it down into raw truth so many times we can compare ourselves to Mary and Martha. If you have a chance to take a gander at this read, I highly suggest it.

The quote from the Chapter that is listed above is about Martha and how she became focused on serving alone. being blinded by how SHE does things compared to what Mary does. Creating this friction of providing dinner and a nice place to stay, serving Jesus in such a sense she took very much pride in and because her sister was "oblivious" to help with preparations, instead, sitting at Jesus' feet to listen to his teachings caused Martha to think wrongly and selfishly. She then speaks to Jesus and asks him, "Lord do you not care?" Luke 10:40 She was concerned that because Mary wasn't helping her, she was therefore not helping the Lord. When clearly she was doing just that. Serving, worshiping. However Jesus provides a very honest and real answer of, "You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

How piercingly real is that? Right?

There are many situations that could be listed in the last couple weeks alone that could be compared to this situation. Currently struggles with accepting where personal levels are in knowledge and understanding mixed with seeing surrounding influences and teachers have my mind on a whirl-wind.

"That was the fruit of her willingness to sit still, listen, and ponder. It was the very thing that always made Mary such a sharp contrast to Martha, whose first inclination was usually to act- or react."- MacAurthur
It may or may not be true to people who would agree to disagree that there are many times where we all have tendancies to jump on things and get the ball rolling when at times there's no need for it to be rolled. At times we must literally make ourselves sit and listen. So much hustle and bustle, preperations and planning planning planning.

To listen and just be still and know... At times we loose that in the buzzing of our cochleas. At the same time though we can't be hard on ourselves. Grace is key. Something that I personally struggle with all the time.

"She has discovered the one thing needful: true worship and devotion of one's heart and full attention to Christ."- MacAurthur (About Mary of Bethany)

...Something to ponder.

Old but New

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."- Phillipians 4:8

As I sat in church this morning I thought about these words and where I was sitting. Where I was sitting in my life as of now. What a strange thought to be consumed by love. It is a good strange. a very good strange. As I thought about everyone around me who had made new years resolutions, I wondered what mine would be. Nothing generic, I don't want to "loose weight"(just stay healthy) or "quit eating chocolate" (honestly who would do that to themselves). No, I wanted something a bit more original. As I listened to the pastor talk though, it became more clear to me what I wanted to focus more upon this new year and for the new years to hopefully come.

Toxic thoughts often consume our concious thoughts about who we are, what others think, what we think of others and what we think of God. So many times we are brought down by our own thoughts. Image, brains, strength, vision, etc... However There is indeed one thing that humans have full control over and that is our thoughts. We can literally find what ever we are looking for. whether that be negatively or positively. Whether you are looking for an excuse to sulk or gloat. Whether you are looking for a way to serve and smile, we have the ability to find it.

Focusing on Psalm 73, it yelled to me. Not just spoke, but yelled. Read it for yourself and let me know your thoughts... then you will know what I mean.

Focusing on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and worthy of praise...I feel will continue to be one of my resolutions. There is so much that really is going good through all the bad. And though there are things we all must work on, it is still a continued comfort and a wonderful love from the Lord that can not fail. So not only will I continue to focus on those things, but I will try my best to remind that you are loved...
Rejoice and be glad in it.

Happy New Year.