Never quite sure how to begin an entry when you want to write yet you don't. You have a lot of things to talk about and yet you'd rather not put in the effort at times. Wishing those who read this (who ever that might be) were here so you could just chat and converse over a good chai or perhaps just the comfort of seeing someones eyes in line with your own. Knowing for sure that you have their attention and nothing can shake it.
At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...
Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.
This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.
So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.
I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.
When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Ink and a Sleeping Bag
In the midst of this bubble. I have realized things. Things like days blending. Things like emotions dangling. Things like attachment to things... People, seasons, scents, breezes and heart strings. From my core of friends I am the only unmarried and the only single person in this chain... I feel as though I am on one side of the fence while they are on the other with their "other". While I sit here I am ok with that while a little voice in the back of my head panics saying... where's mine? When new interests flow and others venture out on that limb of attraction, wanting to know that other better, it is where my heart begins to ache in the middle of rejoicing.
The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.
Matthew 6
Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting.
I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.
The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.
Matthew 6
Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting.
I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"I'm in California"
Candid moments. There is something about candid moments. Seeing pure emotion. It is an interesting thought to think how often pictures are being taken and how often we pose for these pictures. Asking to retake purity so that we look "more natural" yet more fake than ever. Candid shots of laughter and kind smiles. Soft touches and giggles from side conversations. Intense words mixed with hand placement that to me, screams to be captured. Last night the thought crossed my mind while I was having a conversation about this coming summer with Joy. Discussing summer life and guiding on the canopy.
After having a long overdue chat with Jenna Givens, with 2,000 miles of static in between, her words were crystal clear, "You can't rely on human relationship, the Lord needs you to be fully devoted to Him first and for most."
I am still reading Numbers... Yes I know, I know. It has been both a struggle and a very enlightening experience. I find myself numbing out while reading it which then, causes me clarity on where I need to disicpline myself more when it comes to being more intune with what I'm reading. Today for instance, I read Numbers 23:18-24... You can look into it yourself if you so please but This area caused me to think in multiple different directions today as I looked out the window of the cafe while reading and writing.
"It is true and it is real."
The reading frustrates me yet, intrigues me. All while it feels like the sun has set all day long with these thick clouds that makes eyes sleepy. My thoughts keep falling back... "I'm 24"..."I'm in California"...And these first times are the times in which I have never imagined myself to be.
The rain hits puddles like quick time old fashioned photography of people ice skating on ponds. I have not been a student for 10 months. So much has happened in 10 months and it's such an interesting though to think out upon where I will be in another year. Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. "I am in California...How did this come to be?"I have found that many have asked me this question and it still makes me heart leap with overflowing joy. God brought me here. This is where He told me to go. This was a major stepping stone in my trust with the Lord. And just as I have been talking with Jenna, God has never led us astray. It has always been ourselves. While not listening to God. God continues to lead us places with incredible community and how come we still falter to trust in Him? Trusting in the Lord with all your heart while being broken and learning and obeying that trust instead of taking short cuts to try and understand or predict where the Lord will lead you. Making plans that aren't even relevant at times...I've gone off track a bit, let me back up...
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Stunning truths and yet we continue to trip and stumble over our human tendencies. But our realizations of these tendencies do not make us Jesus. They don't make us, "more like Jesus." We will never be Jesus. Or anywhere close. It's not about me. It's about working towards better and living by example of an amazing savior. I'm feeling a bit more a live these days and a bit more broken...This is a very good thing.
Praise God.
After having a long overdue chat with Jenna Givens, with 2,000 miles of static in between, her words were crystal clear, "You can't rely on human relationship, the Lord needs you to be fully devoted to Him first and for most."
I am still reading Numbers... Yes I know, I know. It has been both a struggle and a very enlightening experience. I find myself numbing out while reading it which then, causes me clarity on where I need to disicpline myself more when it comes to being more intune with what I'm reading. Today for instance, I read Numbers 23:18-24... You can look into it yourself if you so please but This area caused me to think in multiple different directions today as I looked out the window of the cafe while reading and writing.
"It is true and it is real."
The reading frustrates me yet, intrigues me. All while it feels like the sun has set all day long with these thick clouds that makes eyes sleepy. My thoughts keep falling back... "I'm 24"..."I'm in California"...And these first times are the times in which I have never imagined myself to be.
The rain hits puddles like quick time old fashioned photography of people ice skating on ponds. I have not been a student for 10 months. So much has happened in 10 months and it's such an interesting though to think out upon where I will be in another year. Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. "I am in California...How did this come to be?"I have found that many have asked me this question and it still makes me heart leap with overflowing joy. God brought me here. This is where He told me to go. This was a major stepping stone in my trust with the Lord. And just as I have been talking with Jenna, God has never led us astray. It has always been ourselves. While not listening to God. God continues to lead us places with incredible community and how come we still falter to trust in Him? Trusting in the Lord with all your heart while being broken and learning and obeying that trust instead of taking short cuts to try and understand or predict where the Lord will lead you. Making plans that aren't even relevant at times...I've gone off track a bit, let me back up...
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Stunning truths and yet we continue to trip and stumble over our human tendencies. But our realizations of these tendencies do not make us Jesus. They don't make us, "more like Jesus." We will never be Jesus. Or anywhere close. It's not about me. It's about working towards better and living by example of an amazing savior. I'm feeling a bit more a live these days and a bit more broken...This is a very good thing.
Praise God.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Whatever the weather
This afternoon I believe that the cold that I have been fighting for the last four or five days was blown away by my spirits as they soared after we finished our hike late due to exciting exploration and adventure. After two classes of learning a lot about forests and everything in them mixed with a crazy amount of hiking up, up, up... The conversation with my 5th graders went as follows:
Me: "Hey crew, I'm really sorry we still have to hike back and we are already 11 minutes late for free-time."
Nineteen 5th graders freaking out at me: "We don't even care about free-time!!!!! We're having way too much fun!!!! This is the best week of camp, EVER!!!"
POW, stuffy nose and sore throat, RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
Me: "Hey crew, I'm really sorry we still have to hike back and we are already 11 minutes late for free-time."
Nineteen 5th graders freaking out at me: "We don't even care about free-time!!!!! We're having way too much fun!!!! This is the best week of camp, EVER!!!"
Saturday, February 26, 2011
"Some say we need a miracle
Some say there’s no hope at all
But I know that Your love is strong, it goes on and on
and on and on
Rise up when it gets us down
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…"
Some say there’s no hope at all
But I know that Your love is strong, it goes on and on
and on and on
Rise up when it gets us down
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…"
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Nonverbal Horizons
The last few days I have been feeling dimmed out...yet...Clarity has risen in the mix of various thoughts and meanderings.
We got drenched this week. Soaked to the bone with hail, wind, mud and surface run off. Kids spirits were low as the week began but by the end, they soared. We waved goodbye on Friday with sand in our shoes. I wonder what floated through their heads while reminiscing conversations about journeys and ways to eat apples. Driving back towards camp from a crystal clear pacific ocean, through green pastures and winding one lane roads, we took a hot second pit stop to look out over the wilderness meeting the ocean. I doubt I will ever get passed the beauty of creation that is Northern California and how its mountains meet the sea. It's simply stunning.
Back behind the wheel, Brett Dennen flowed through the speakers.
These last few days I have been reading Numbers. In the mornings as I yawned and was found to be bored of what I was reading, suddenly I was awoken to the realization of a few things. Firstly How young I really am. How naive I am and how I have been doubting trust of so many different things that have consumed my heart and mind. Secondly I began to calm down and realize that that's OK. As I read further into Numbers, I notice how the Lord wants to separate classes of men by age and by group for specific jobs amongst the Israelites. Men who are older than 30 cannot become soldiers for the Armies. But are instead given great responsibility. They are older and they can truly grasp the importance of the Tabernacle (perhaps). We are young because this is the time we were supposed to come. We are young and at times lost in translation not only with the world but with our own thoughts and various views because we are young and we have not seen nearly half the things that older generations have seen...That may be a bit of a far fetched thought.
We are frustrated with thoughts and views of who we "should" be or "want" to be. As I drove back from the beach I was pulled away from conversation with a thought. We are human. It is simple but rather complex. We are sinful, we are lost, but many of us have been found. That doesn't mean we have found all that is required of us or how we should present ourselves.
I had a camper on the zipline this week who wanted to go off so badly but kept pulling back. Asking for more time. Needing just a minute more to prepare himself. Finally after multiple countdowns and overflowing encouragement...we were both exhausted and he had to climb back down the ladder.
...I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this... Hearing words forming into sentences from friends on different topics of Christianity and how it truly isn't about us...How we all struggle with being human. We struggle with sin, and selfishness. We struggle to live rightly and serve with out strings. To trust in more than just what we can see... entirely. Nothing Lasts Forever By Brett Dennen This song provided me with some puzzle pieces in between moments of enlightening perspective. All while my continued journey down this path leads me around various bends and curves. We see things in how this WORLD has interpreted over the years and through different progressions and digressions, at times it is more clearly seen that we are human. We are flawed, and that is how it is. Simple, right?...Yet complicated. Human emotion is a fickle thing. We are born into the times of living we were meant to be born into The Lord created His plan to fulfill so many devine things and we are intertwined in all it's mighty beaten paths and raging rivers, all while planting seeds and watering gardens. We mustn't "dwell" upon what continues to break us. We are simply human. Instead we must continue to "give thanks for our dreams" and enjoy what is here and be able to laugh live, love and serve under an amazing God. There are certainly times that are more serious and more broken...but... It is what He has created us personally to fulfill and/or provide. If we continue to dwell continuously, we will miss these moments....
"nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released"
It is good to be broken and realize these things. It is growth to process, realize and accept (or not to accept) things about ourselves. It is another thing, completely different, to go through life when others realize it while you don't see it and continue down a path astray from what you were meant to be on.
The human brain is an interesting muscle, How it can go through so many different things... Bend and mold to thoughts that don't physically exist. But yet these thoughts exist. I never verbalized any of this I simply wrote most of these thoughts...If it weren't for journals, friends and blogs, perhaps people would have a hard time believing that a thought ever existed to begin with unless you spoke of it...I'm cracking myself up with these current thoughts. How true it is, that not all things are physically obvious or understood...
Brett Dennen: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease
I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you
in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day
but forgotten how to say
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun
We got drenched this week. Soaked to the bone with hail, wind, mud and surface run off. Kids spirits were low as the week began but by the end, they soared. We waved goodbye on Friday with sand in our shoes. I wonder what floated through their heads while reminiscing conversations about journeys and ways to eat apples. Driving back towards camp from a crystal clear pacific ocean, through green pastures and winding one lane roads, we took a hot second pit stop to look out over the wilderness meeting the ocean. I doubt I will ever get passed the beauty of creation that is Northern California and how its mountains meet the sea. It's simply stunning.
Back behind the wheel, Brett Dennen flowed through the speakers.
These last few days I have been reading Numbers. In the mornings as I yawned and was found to be bored of what I was reading, suddenly I was awoken to the realization of a few things. Firstly How young I really am. How naive I am and how I have been doubting trust of so many different things that have consumed my heart and mind. Secondly I began to calm down and realize that that's OK. As I read further into Numbers, I notice how the Lord wants to separate classes of men by age and by group for specific jobs amongst the Israelites. Men who are older than 30 cannot become soldiers for the Armies. But are instead given great responsibility. They are older and they can truly grasp the importance of the Tabernacle (perhaps). We are young because this is the time we were supposed to come. We are young and at times lost in translation not only with the world but with our own thoughts and various views because we are young and we have not seen nearly half the things that older generations have seen...That may be a bit of a far fetched thought.
We are frustrated with thoughts and views of who we "should" be or "want" to be. As I drove back from the beach I was pulled away from conversation with a thought. We are human. It is simple but rather complex. We are sinful, we are lost, but many of us have been found. That doesn't mean we have found all that is required of us or how we should present ourselves.
I had a camper on the zipline this week who wanted to go off so badly but kept pulling back. Asking for more time. Needing just a minute more to prepare himself. Finally after multiple countdowns and overflowing encouragement...we were both exhausted and he had to climb back down the ladder.
...I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this... Hearing words forming into sentences from friends on different topics of Christianity and how it truly isn't about us...How we all struggle with being human. We struggle with sin, and selfishness. We struggle to live rightly and serve with out strings. To trust in more than just what we can see... entirely. Nothing Lasts Forever By Brett Dennen This song provided me with some puzzle pieces in between moments of enlightening perspective. All while my continued journey down this path leads me around various bends and curves. We see things in how this WORLD has interpreted over the years and through different progressions and digressions, at times it is more clearly seen that we are human. We are flawed, and that is how it is. Simple, right?...Yet complicated. Human emotion is a fickle thing. We are born into the times of living we were meant to be born into The Lord created His plan to fulfill so many devine things and we are intertwined in all it's mighty beaten paths and raging rivers, all while planting seeds and watering gardens. We mustn't "dwell" upon what continues to break us. We are simply human. Instead we must continue to "give thanks for our dreams" and enjoy what is here and be able to laugh live, love and serve under an amazing God. There are certainly times that are more serious and more broken...but... It is what He has created us personally to fulfill and/or provide. If we continue to dwell continuously, we will miss these moments....
"nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released"
It is good to be broken and realize these things. It is growth to process, realize and accept (or not to accept) things about ourselves. It is another thing, completely different, to go through life when others realize it while you don't see it and continue down a path astray from what you were meant to be on.
The human brain is an interesting muscle, How it can go through so many different things... Bend and mold to thoughts that don't physically exist. But yet these thoughts exist. I never verbalized any of this I simply wrote most of these thoughts...If it weren't for journals, friends and blogs, perhaps people would have a hard time believing that a thought ever existed to begin with unless you spoke of it...I'm cracking myself up with these current thoughts. How true it is, that not all things are physically obvious or understood...
Brett Dennen: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease
I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you
in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day
but forgotten how to say
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun
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