Find Me Lost In Your Grace.

I had woken up Wednesday morning after going to bed early Tuesday night. Tuesday for all of it I had felt anxious, and just a sense of heaviness and darkness had come over our nation. There seemed to be a lingering oppression of politics and the control it had on people. It had been in the air for months and had been considered "coming to a close" on November 8th. However I have seen hopes of that passing statement backlash more than my eyes and heart could simple bare.

Since when has our nation become a seeming dictatorship and anarchy through social media and the public? Where has our respect for eachothers opinions and the grace of accepting and gaining perspective, respectfully, for those around us.

In speaking with friends We have all agreed that it has been one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make, while in the midst of that honest decision we feel we can't discuss it for fear of being judged and spoken down upon for the outcome we have decided on.

We have had people elected to office before that have not been liked by everyone. It is the history of our country. Republican and Democrats. So what is different? Why does this election seem so much worse? Because it is highlighted by MEDIA. We choose to believe what we see more than we research what we see. Things are blown up and words thrown. What else is different? The generations who are in the voting majority.

Now I'm not saying that my generation is better or worse than the baby boomers or Gen-X, however, there is some kind of stigma and lack of respect I honestly feel like areas of each generation take for granted or fully over react. which then call in the stereo-types and judgement. Through these reactions we ultimately loose our freedom a little bit more here and there. Bringing me to say, "This is why we can't have nice things".

"When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it" -The Avett Brothers "Head Full of Doubt"

 The thing that I simply CAN simply understand is that Satan has taken a strong hold on a lot of people through this entire election season. People commenting and counter reacting to other opinions as if the harshness of the words being thrown will change peoples hearts and minds... Only God can change the hearts of Kings!

"My dear wormwood,

Be sure that the patient remains completely fixated on politics. Arguments, political gossip, and obsessing on faults of people they have never met serves as an excellent distraction from advancing in personal virtue, character, and things the patient can control. Make sure to keep the patient in constant state of angst, frustration, and general disdain towards the rest of the human race in order to avoid any kind of charity or inner peace from further developing. Ensure the patient continues to believe that the problem is "out there" in the "broken system" rather than recognizing there is a problem with himself.

Keep up the good work,
Uncle Screwtape."

"Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis- 1942


These things are known to be true:
-We still live in a great country
-We have the ability and opportunity to start afresh.
-Our President elect still needs to go through others in order to change things.
-God was is control
-God IS in control
-God will ALWAYS be in control

Truth: He (my God) is not surprised by any of this. Through it all he still just wants his children back. He is fighting for us and the controls are in his hands. Not Trumps, Not Clintons.... Gods. He will make a way.




"I fall down upon the ground
Press my face against the earth
Till my heart it rises over my head

As the wheat it bows down low
When the autumn wind blows
Kneel before the One I love

Find me grateful
Find me thankful
Find me on my knees
Find me Dreaming
Find me singing
Find me lost in Your grace"
-Find Me: Jonathan David Helser

Not Without Coups Baby... A 30th Birthday Greeting.

There is something to be said about friends. They enter our lives in all kinds of ways. They impact our lives more than we ever could imagine. They teach us about who we are, who we want to be like and help us to go into better versions of ourselves.

Friends speak truth, speak life, and speak grace into our lives. Friends are brutally honest with us and show us the bitter things that hold us down so that we can swallow the pride, humble ourselves and be set free to grow and love more deeply. Gods vessels speaking life and love and acceptance into us when we don't feel worth anything. Friends lift us up when we are down and literally make us pee our pants from laughing so hard... Friends are interwoven into our lives for reasons we don't understand. Trials come in and out pulling the ties even tighter so that bonds are unable to be broken and love, unconditional love, saturates to protect and highlight the incredible strength that is relationship and family.

And in these passing years I am finding it boggling that we are turning 30. Not in a terrifying sense of getting older. Not in a depressing sense because culture and society thinks our youth is lost at 30. Perhaps I thought I would never make it to 30. I never imagined us as 30. But here we are.

Ry, I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we are living out our dreams and thrills of what we would talk about cruising in your Jetta on summer nights in Scranton. I can't believe we have such incredible men in our lives who strive and thrive as our best friends and who challenge us in those same attributes.

Happy Birthday to a lady who literally does it all and dances while doing it. Your heart overfloweth.

Happy 30th Birthday Ry!
(be warned these photos are VERY old... Some of them.)

 -Keep Adventuring.

"I'm healing you."

"So do you feel like you can see why God hasn't taken this back injury and chronic pain away? Do you feel like there is something He is trying to show or teach you through it?"

As I sat in a booth at a restaurant in Fort Collins I had wondered the same questions that were currently being asked to me...
It has been 5 months since things really began to get rough after pushing through and running a really fun half marathon in Grant Teton National Park in the least prepared state I've ever been training wise and struggling big time with literal weight in an Osprey on my back. By the summers end I was struggling more and more to even sit or lay down without pain.

By September this is where my back was pain wise... and many tiny thorns in my side. I'm 29... This isn't normal... I couldnt even stand for long periods of time without experiencing nearly crippling pain from just standing.

It seemed as though things only worsened and it was taking me all that I had (and God knew) in me to simply TRY to act normal and even be happy FULLY. It's amazing how when your body doesn't function how much it effects you mentally and emotionally. This in its self was a very humbling learning point for me.



I decided to go to my friends-Cousins-Dogs-Owners-Father-Who knows a guy in South Africa who suggests...

Just kidding. My Friend Aimee, whose Cousin is a Chiropractor in Fort Collins who runs a practice down there called Elevate Chiropractic, had moved down to Fort Collins to work for her Cousin, Dr. Wallis. She had told me months ago that I could come down for a free analysis. I selected the pass card and DIDN'T go. But once these thorns were really beginning to stick, I was reminded that Aimee's offer still stood. At this point I had gone to the doctor, I had gone to a physical therapist, I had tried just doing nothing... And gaining weight in the midst...So since we still couldn't figure out what was wrong with my entire body, I decided to give it a shot. Why not, right?

Here's what the Analysis revealed:

With some interesting instruments and some poking and light prodding on my back, they scanned my nervous system through my spine to determine the levels of communication between my brain and my body through my spinal cord which then branches out between each of my vertebrate. (there was nothing invasive about the procedure I might add).

Green is pretty much normal communication frequencys
Blue is mild to moderate Communication interference
Red is severe Communication Interference
Black is Chronic interference
White is inability to read (this is often caused by pain medications causing intentional interference, basically covering up the pain)

Learning this my mind was BLOWN! Why? Because symptoms occur as followed:

Well that explains a lot...

So why? Why now? Why have I needed to be burdened with this? Why has it taken so long to find an answer and what is the benefit of seeing this very clearly out-of-whack flawed spine?

Let me repeat my friends question:
"So do you feel like you can see why God hasn't taken this back injury and chronic pain away? Do you feel like there is something He is trying to show you through it?"

As I sat in a booth at a restaurant in Fort Collins I had wondered the same questions that were currently being asked to me.

My answer was this," Honestly I don't have an answer to that.I honestly have had a very hard time understanding why God would not take this pain away and why he would allow it to continue.
I don't know but that's the whole thing... Perhaps I'm just not meant to understand right now but instead choose joy. Instead praise and thank Him that there is a solution...

Such are the questions we ask about others lives seemingly cursed with other injuries loss of limb or cancer or even death.

"21Lord, Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died."..."32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said ," Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." John 11:21, 32

..."40Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you will see the glory of God?"

"41So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42I knew that you always hear me, but you said this is for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."

"43When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" 44The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linnen, and cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."  John 11:40-44


The morning following dinner, I sat on my couch as I do every morning sitting, reading His words and then pausing to listen. I prayed and asked God if He would tell me and if He didn't I would be OK with it. Acceptance.

As I exhaled I heard Him. I heard Jesus...

"I'm healing you."... 

Over and over and over again Jesus spoke these words and they washed over my body soul and spirit. "I'm healing you... I'm healing you... I'm healing you"...

Went through my work day and headed to the gym to continue to try and do some light stuff as the Doc said to do the things I normally do and the body would continue the recalibration process between adjustments. As I finished my painfully SLOW mile and a half jog, I sat in the steam room and just breathed slowly as the cacoon of steam wrapped itsself around me. I was uncomfortable so I began to re position myself and as I did, something was missing...

Pain.

I tested it... Of course. Moving flexing certain muscles and twisting my torso in different directions... Nothing... For the first time in almost a year I didn't feel pain. If even it was just for the evening, there is progress in healing. I have and will continue to see the Chiropractor weekely as it is helping forward the progress. I don't mind driving to Fort Collins because the office has continual loud Christian music playing as well as a very welcoming staff. Dr. Wallis has prayed over my back multiple times as well and it shows that indeed Jesus heals.

We are all progressing. Jesus keeps healing. We are all continually being healed. Whether it is from an injury, illness or even leaving this earth because of those preexisting conditions...

God is healing us and He will restore us to perfection. In His image.
"7Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."- Matthew 7:7





-Keep Adventuring.

Square One.

I have, I feel, finally broken through this denial that I have been struggling with. Holding higher standards for myself and only allowing my memory to see when I was my best self physically. Rather I am remembering where I was when it all began. I remember the way I felt but remember the consistency and gradual growth with in it.

To the person who is frustrated about injuries, soreness and exhaustion. Thinking something is terribly wrong. To the person who feels distressed about being winded after a mile when you remember running 8 miles and it barely even phased you...

You were once there, but you were also once at square one. Remember your little victories in little mile stones? They were UUUUUGE! It's OK to be at square one again. The movement out of denial into acceptance and humility to bring yourself back to the simplistic mindset of square  one and to not rip yourself apart because of your performance will actually free you of so many pressures and feelings of personal failure.

Many times in many ways it is so good to go back to square one and re-evaluate and "sharpen the saw" so that you can continue to slice and take the pieces to build incredible progress.

Our bodies are temples for the Holy spirit and temples are built not from the top down but from the bottom up. When a temple is so damaged or abandoned or ill maintained, sometimes, the best thing to do is tear it down... And start... From square one.

It is the only way to build upon a solid foundation. Not a temple of self image but a temple that reflects Gods image and intention for God made us in his image.

Square one is a glorious thing.

"24Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had it's foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."- Matthew 7:24-27

These Old Feeling Bones.

I have been unable to do something I love consistently for a while, running. I have been un able to do some thing I have loved consistently for a while, being active and getting into a good sweat. I had been praying through this concept for a while and thinking perhaps I was just so far out of shape that I hadn't remembered what true out of shape felt like. I had accepted this and was willing to begin from absolute scratch on running, stretching, ab work outs and nutrition.  However as the initial soreness of new work outs and body conditioning in the first couple of weeks passed I have noticed something abnormal. As I return from runs I found my back and hips have taken an extremely long time to recover. Even after a short 2 mile jog my back and hips feel absolutely wrecked. Even standing for long periods of time cause lower back pain that brings muscles continual seizing. Continually I have been struggling with this moderate thorn in my side bringing all of my thoughts back to the pain in my back every hour of every day. It is this thing that truly distracts me from joy, from focus, from hope. "It's still there".

This isn't something that should be happening, right?

Let me show you right where it is currently the worst. Mind you I have had dry needling done over a period of time, have gone through consistent physical therapy and have even had my stride and the way I run studied. Things had been progressing and things seemed fine... Yet this issue still arises... And it is noticeably getting worse.

Because of this I feel a bit of a spiral effect in my life and this is honestly where I am struggling with my faith currently. It is so easy to say that we should praise God through all circumstances... When I feel trapped in my own body because of not being able to push myself because I can't breathe, because of physical pain in my back and because of exhaustion even after sleeping FOREVER... I am stubborn in this not knowing why but just trusting God thing...

I know... I KNOW that I have done A LOT of things with my body in my short 29 years.

-I have fallen out of countless trees one of which in high school was very intense.
- I have thrown myself from many swings and fallen off many monkey bars.
-I have tried to escape my stroller and the result was knocking one of my front teeth out
-I have pretended to be a penguin on ice in my back yard with my brother and the result was knocking out my other front tooth
-I had tried running in Middle school and at the time I had been working with a diet of eating atleast a sleeve of oreos after school... So yeah that wasn't working.
- I have gone over the handle bars of many bikes
- I have done a lot of running
- I have ridden my bike across the country, twice.
- I have been in ski accidents and injuries.
- I have carried a lot of weight on my back from backpacking.
- I have put impact on my knees and hips from being in a harness for multiple years hanging in redwood trees, ziplining and belaying.
- I have slept comfortably on my stomach for years.


But even through all of these things... Not once to I regret any of these experiences. They have grown me. God has grown me through these things and it has been the call that God put on my heart. Especially the later events on the abbreviated list.

My point is that yes I see these things and yes ultimately I believe that there is reason for this. Discomfort is not my forte. Long term discomfort at least. But I know, I KNOW this too shall pass and that I should be praising Him regardless... But recently I have been finding it very hard to truly believe in the depths of my spirit and soul and to be OK with it...

At bible study last night we worshipped together and the song of choice was this song
Kristene DiMarco- Take Courage

I am trying... I am trying my hardest...


Prayers appreciated.




-Keep Adventuring.

All Who Have Breathe Can Sing.

I have noticed a positive pattern when I am falling into a funk of my depression or deeper into a funk than I would prefer. I listen to Josh Garrels. His music is filled with sorrowful joy. His voice bring comfort in the acceptance of somber rest through grief and hope in continuing forward at times. I have met and spoken with him on a couple of occasions after his shows and there is so much peace and love from the Lord that overflows out of him. It is absolutely beautiful.

Truth be told this is the first real funk I've fallen into while being married and something that I have noticed the most is that I feel like I would rather not speak at all and dwell with in this feeling rather than try to explain how I'm feeling to my husband. But through this struggle I am finding strength through the forcing myself to open up and stretch out instead of curling up in to the fetal position waiting for it to pass. "I really don't feel like talking about this at all right now".  But when would I ever feel like talking about it? Better now than never, right?


I stumbled upon a gem today while updating people on the life God has called me to in ministry.
The Children's Song

Beautiful things are resilient. As I sat in the wilderness by myself I observed a butterfly. The wind was whipping and howling while the sun shinned. This butterfly that was so determined to pollinate the flower that it was upon gripped for dear life and endured the wrath of Gods breathe as it help on to continue what it was ultimately called to do, spread life and beauty. Perhaps it doesn't even know that's what it's been created to do...

This is what God was speaking to me. "I have made you far stronger and more capable than this butterfly clinging to my creation. Let this represent what you too are colonizing while you're right where I need you to be. Above all else know that I am providing these harsh winds of trial but I will soon make things calm. Persevere."

Thank you Jesus...






-Keep Adventuring. (Even when you feel like you don't want to.)

Wonderful Distraction.UW MBA

Last weekend was my first weekend back full time in Laradise after a packed summer of backpacking, hiking, climbing and loving many while being loved unconditionally. After church Austin and I met up with our pastor and his wife and little baby boy to toss the Frisbee around and spend some time catching up from inconsistent summer weekends out and about.

We just recently got a new pastor at our church they are from Colorado and it all seemed to have happened rather quickly. But since May, I have found myself very thankful for the transitions that are currently happening in our church. God is faithful and in the sea that is Laramie Wyoming I continually feel this wave of change and contentment in Gods moving hands in our growing community. Nate, our new pastor, and his wife Brielle have been a huge answer to prayer. Their little boy Hudson is just presh and it has been a huge honor to be apart of Gods plan for our church.

We met up with Nate, Brielle and Hudson at the park on Sunday and as we lost momentum in throwing the Frisbee we moved closer to the playground where Hudson was so intrigued by his bike his ball and another groups ball. We were chatting and Hudson was wandering around the playground and Brielle had mentioned that Hudson was beginning to explore more and was becoming more comfortable with not being right next to his parents but instead stepping further away. We watched him for a bit and then I went over to him and as we both looked at the huge slide, I looked at him and asked, "Hudson, do you want to go on the slide with me"? His eyes got huge and in a little growl he answered, "YES!" He began to run towards the slide but not even 8 feet into his little sprint he tripped and fell on all fours in some sand under a tree. In this transitional trip his eyes were directed towards the ground where his hands felt the sand and the dirt. Completely forgetting about the slide he was mesmerized with the sand.

This struck me as absolutely beautiful. He is a child and a child of God at that. He is enjoying all that is around him and overwhelmed with interest and exploration to the point where the seemingly most important most exciting thing that is in his view is trumped and delayed by a passion and pleasure to explore what has been revealed to him.

I see the relations to this in my own life and how our plans are not Gods at times but in the midst of our plan break downs Gods plan comes through in unexpected ways creating room for discovery and a new angel of what it looks like to take the journey as apposed to just reaching the destination.

After a lovely session of digging and feeling the sandy ground we then remembered that there was a slide calling to us and we climbed and ventured to the top and slid down exiting with static filled bed heads, laughing and loving the simple fulfillment of the joy that followed.

What a lovely reminder that came at the perfect time as I transitioned back into off season work from our very busy summer. It was truly and incredible summer with so many incredible faces, hearts and spirits crying out and dancing for the Lord! and I am very much looking forward to continually processing and reflecting on all the places God used my feet to trek to this summer alongside so many.

With the end of that thought I give you some summer highlights! Enjoy!

-Keep adventuring.

UW MBA Students in the Wind River Mountain Range

Fellow Otters in Leigh Lake in Grand Teton National Park

Our brother Avritt  getting baptized in Klondike Lake in the Snowy Range Mountains

Our 10/10 Adult team Posing in front of the Snowies

Our fellow Otters beginning our hike to Inspiration Point in Grand Teton NP

Sledding in July in the Snowies, who wouldn't?!

UW MBA Team Killing the game on the top of Warrior Peak in the Wind River Range

All about the Snickers at the Summit.

Hop on board my Stellar Support Team!
Here's How!