My feet have been hitting these streets, these streets of Scranton where I thought I knew my way so well. Yet I have only just begun to discover how much I really don't know about this place. With this new untamed schedule of mine I'm finding that my brain is still adjusting to the new found freedom of retired student status. Scranton, a place so many people I have met, know of, yet know as much as I do. I've lived around this city for as long as I can remember. Driving down the streets that have since been painted with green lines from the celebrations of St. Patty's day. Stopping at little shops that have created my love for cute crafty trinkets. Which brings me to another memory.(this entry may just take me where ever on a memory marathon.) My Mom had this amazing trinket cupboard in our living room back when I lived on North Abington Rd, in the rolling that connected Clarks Summit, Clarks Green and Waverly.....
Hold the phone this entry is about to get extremely ADHD
My Mom the just picked up the mail and handed it to me. Suddenly my reminiscent mood of remembering simple times has been completely shattered with a sickening yank from the back of my belly button. Loans. $39,995 worth of payments for the next 20+ years of my life. Another life time. Though I can't currently breathe because I am so knocked out of the reminder of this material thing in which I do not hold any of it, I am thankful that I was not blessed with the mind to become a doctor. However those of you who have been, I am extremely happy that you will be able to withstand the pressure that is of this world with everything that comes with it. I give you many thanks for what you are enthralling yourselves in and what you will truthfully accomplish with passing days.
My debt at times overwhelms me. Yes it is official, I am overwhelmed. Speaking with loan agentcies and figuring out how my interest rates wont go up while I'm working in the woods for practically nothing, while I imagine these people in cubicals and ties looking at my every move to try and catch me not doing a good enough job at getting a salary based job to pay back the education in which I indebted myself before I completely understood the end result of college. While at the same time it all makes me all the more excited about where I am in my life.
I work in the Redwood Forest, teaching kids about the incredible environment that has been created by an amazing creator. I walked away from Penn State with indeed a $40,000 piece of paper that now sits on the coffee table in a white envelope collecting dust. Yes I am somewhat doing what I am "qualified" to do. (let me get back on subject) I left Penn State with no real plan or understanding in mind what I would be doing further down this road, this beaten path. All I knew was that I was returning to Cayuga for another summer. After August 18th, who knew? Only God. Was I worried though? No, actually i felt extremely calm about it. Which to my surprise made people feel somewhat uneasy around me. Friends applying, applying, applying. For jobs. anything to get them to where they wanted to be. The only thing I wanted was to be out of Scranton for a while. Even then I didn't really know what I wanted. I didn't do a whole lot to help the situation with my vary laid back "whatever happens happens" attitude. At the same time though it was causing me to feel a live. To see for the first time that I didn't have anything planned out for myself and I would just go where ever I was led. So when the 18th of August came about I had already been antsy to get going 2 weeks prior. I sat in the Boarders Cafe where I had hung out years past before making many of my adventures of growing a little bit older, a little bit wiser. All while seeing familiar faces fade and new faces enter.
Sitting for 3 days I ventured into the the internet and searched with wonder and awe of jobs I had always dreamed of having, out of state, out of country. Out of site out of mind for the first three years of my life because I had other things to focus on. Why? Because I tend to get to into an idea and literally will drop everything to do something if it moves me enough. My mom wouldn't have been very pleased nor would I have been very pleased with the life I would have led after that random non-thought process of an adventure. No applying to random Adventure camps in other countries and seeing what my true potential may hold for these jobs straight our of school gave me a bit of an adrenalin rush. In a single day I had replys to emails and applications with interests of working VISAS and Passports. I knew I wanted to venture outside my comfort zone, but I wasn't sure how far. I stumbled upon a naturalist position on day 3 of my experimental search and applied. I applied with a bit of a tickle in my stomach at the though of anyone actually taking me seriously. What kind of a experienced person could a freshly born adult like me possibly be able to provide to a well oiled machine. Real world? College doesn't really train them like they used to. (At the same time can the real world really prepare us for school or the lifestyle we really want to live?) I recieved an email 2 days later, a phone interview an hour later "and 4 days after that I was in my car driving across the country." It seems that that is always how I end my story. In reality that was only the beginning.
Which brings me to my point after a very long explanation. I didn't know what I was going to do. Yet God provided and in what a loving encouraging way He did. It has made me realize that I do need to trust more and remember that He will provide. one of my testimonies is certainly my trip West. Yes I am scared thinking about Loans. In fact going off and explaining what ive been experiencing has calmed me a lot however that single word can create screaming Chaos of earthquakes in my head to the point where I can feel the rumbles causing my knees to shake. Loans. I just received a letter stating I had a certain amount I didn't know about that is due earlier than the amount I DID know about.I'm in no way a fan of money or the luxuries that come from it. If I could walk on water, I'd be set when it came to my desires of travel and seeking this world and all of its mysterious wonders. However I can walk on water just as much as I can turn water to wine. I am only another human with another stressor about something that is rather small compared to a lot of other things in life.
So there for I pull myself back. I will get through this. Somehow. I have been shown multiple times that I panic too soon and should most likely take another step back after I've already told myself to do so in the first place. To not look so far ahead and see how far away the finish really is but rather take in the detail around me look at each crack on the sidewalks and I wonder up these streets I've driven but never walked before seeing how the higher you go the nicer the homes while you round the corner and only a block below see how different life is with ripped screens and broken windows. Weaving in and out of these loud yet quiet streets of Scranton. A place where I have always lived but never discovered.
Take a breathe, hold it in, feel the breeze of these end of autumn days, and let it go. Where ever you are be all there. And take it in, because it's all beautiful. Even the little meaningless trinkets that are so clever and detailed.
Thinking about all that I just wrote I can only think of my friend, Jamie Zackavitch. I literally just puked on paper. She is someone who I truly admire for having a more healthy/positive form of bulimia. She was famous in college for sitting next to me in classes where during exams I would often feel like I wrote an entire book when I would look over at her to get up and hand my exam in, I would feel rather unaccomplished with the cramp in my right hand because she would still be writing away at a novel. At times I feel she perhaps memorized the entire text of our classes but I admired her knowledge of information regurgitation. Though she would admit that most of it didn't always make sense or mesh the best, I believe that her points were still taken into major consideration and possibly a cure for something whether it be cancer or a blackened heart, she most certainly held a remedy in there. Thanks Jamie, for bringing a smile to my face. For pouring your heart out on exams, in our major and even with your passions. It makes me want to puke on paper more often.
I love it!
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