You Have my Attention

Never quite sure how to begin an entry when you want to write yet you don't. You have a lot of things to talk about and yet you'd rather not put in the effort at times. Wishing those who read this (who ever that might be) were here so you could just chat and converse over a good chai or perhaps just the comfort of seeing someones eyes in line with your own. Knowing for sure that you have their attention and nothing can shake it.

At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...

Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.

This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.

So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.

I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.

When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.

Ink and a Sleeping Bag

In the midst of this bubble. I have realized things. Things like days blending. Things like emotions dangling. Things like attachment to things... People, seasons, scents, breezes and heart strings. From my core of friends I am the only unmarried and the only single person in this chain... I feel as though I am on one side of the fence while they are on the other with their "other". While I sit here I am ok with that while a little voice in the back of my head panics saying... where's mine? When new interests flow and others venture out on that limb of attraction, wanting to know that other better, it is where my heart begins to ache in the middle of rejoicing.

The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.

Matthew 6


Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting. 


I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.