Have you ever been on a certain mind set of how your life should go? Thoughts about age, career, education and destinations in life. You don't necessarily compare it to someone elses life (or you might) but you have this over all assumption about what's next or should be next.
Have you ever prayed so hard for something it consumes your mind and being? Something pointless (now that I look back upon it) Here's some history for you. I can remember my senior year of high school kneeling in front of my bed and praying that it wouldn't rain on my graduation day so that I could walk on the same football field my brother graduated on three years before me. I can remember crying because I thought it would ruin my plans. It would ruin those amazing moments if we had to be crammed inside the auditorium. I had always had a knack for being able to "predict" when it would rain. We voted on the destination of our senior class trip in January for May and I already knew it would rain because where we had chosen to go was Dourney Park and every single time I've gone there it has rained. So there for I had this strange feeling that it would rain on graduation day. Sure enough, they announced it would be inside and I was so bitter.
This was a rather stupid example, I will admit but none the less it was a legit concern and focus that I had at that time in my life. To bring it to a better view, Lets bring up the five years I spent in school, the last year being one of the most frustrating/ enlightening years of my entire life.
Most wouldn't think that it's a good thing when you enter your fifth year of under grad. I was one of those people for a long time. When I entered my fifth year of school, I was in a town filled with people I didn't really know. Without a support system that had kept me grounded for two years and frustration of materialistic things like school bills, loans and food to feed myself plus rent that I was scrapping up to get by. I was in the midst of figuring myself out a bit more after a year of searching I was frustrated with a lot of things in my life including how I was stuck in "Happy Valley" for another semester with nothing but a serving job and a constant stress and struggle of class. Not to mention a broken foot. I was praying out of frustration for things I thought I wanted at the time. Thought I needed. But that's the thing about God. If I am going to be bold here I wont beat around the bush... God knew what I needed, I did not. So through the frustration and the chaos of a semester I thought was going to be my hardest one yet, turned out to be the semester that saved my entire life. Something that I never even thought needed to happen until it happened. God continues to lead me to destinations in my life that bring me through some of the darkest times and the most murky times, providing clarity. I can't say that this is how it always goes. There are things I have yet to understand about why certain situations have happened and at those specific times but times that I thought my life would end because MY plans haven't gone accordingly, God for sure told me so. He's taught me amazing things in an earthly amount of short time.
Pray boldly for what you want. In time you might actually find that things you pray for whether that be understanding or a need for something, may indeed bring you towards clarity and a better understanding of what you really actually want instead or a better picture of what you are asking for. God wants us to ask. He already knows but He wants us to ask him. He wants us to lean and learn. So my prayers have changed. What do I want? I want to know Him more. I want to live more like His son. I want to love more. I want bold words to speak through me in hard times to help shed light on personal and other situations. I want to surrender it all to him.
I can't really say that this post has even slightly ended up making sense or connecting smoothly but...Does it always really need to? Thoughts aren't always clearly stated. Not even when they are flowing out of your fingers.
I do know that writing helps me. I certainly haven't been doing enough of it. So it is time for a change.
This is my current plan.
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