Today has been a restful day. My body is very tired but it is content in that. I have written many letters and have accomplished a lot of little things that have been slowly causing weight to steadily grow on my shoulders. Little things like communication or lack there of, it is nice to catch up on these things.
Letter writing and asking for help, in my life, are complete opposites. I highly dislike asking for help. To get places, for advice, for honesty and for direction. This isn't only earthly. Often times I will feel like I ask too much of God. Constantly asking for direction, clarity, peace of mind, healing, understanding, strength, rest, love, forgiveness, courage, and bold words. So much more I could add to that list but for now I will be content.
Content in this day while bees hover past my key board, while delicate fluff balls float past my screen, distracting me for a moment as I feel the sunshine hit my brow. Sitting here resting and listening to music barely speaking anything but yet communicating and saying so many things as each thought continues to build from other various thoughts in my head... One Republics "Good Life" chorus play in the back ground.
God has replied in so many ways. All of those things that I have mentioned and requested help with, he has replied in ways I can't even comprehend but am equally thankful for.
I have been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and It has been one of those books where in the beginning it was indeed a bit of a struggle but I am hooked now. Completely immersed in what he explains, how he explains it and how well he interprets. Blown-Away. I just read a part of "The Practical Conclusion".
"Your natural life is derived from your parents; that does not mean it will stay there if you do nothing about it. You can lose it by neglect, or you can drive it away by committing suicide. You have to feed it and look after it: but always remember you are not making it, you are only keeping up a life you got from someone else. In the same way a Christian can lose the Christ-life which has been put into him, and has to make efforts to keep it. But even the best Christian that ever lived is not acting on his own steam-- he is only nourishing or protecting a life he could never have acquired by his own efforts. And that has practical consequences. As long as the natural life is in your body, it will do a lot towards repairing that body. Cut it, and up to a point it will heal, as a dead body would not. A live body is not one that never gets hurt, but one that can to some extent repair itself. In the same way a Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who is enabled to repent and pick himself up and begin over again after each stumble-- because the Christ-life is inside him, repairing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the kind of voluntary death which Christ Himself carried out."-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity; pg.62-63
Even if you are lactose in-tolerant you can't deny that this does a body good.
Fun side note: I typed lactoseintollerent and spell checked it and got, "buckminsterfullerene"...I don't even know what that is.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Splattered Thoughts
We cannot build our own religion. We are not in control. We must simply surrender to what we cannot see. If we continue to seek the full, detailed answer we will never find it because the answer is not our own. Thinking upon these things I look back upon this crazy blessed lesson of a life as of late.
I have been tending to other people lately. Putting my best intentions aside and loosing my self and my strength through a lot of it. I have been distracted. I will be honest in saying I'm not alright with it. I am not ready to multitask in such ways, I am ready to be twenty-something ready to take on whatever and discover where ever. I didn't think I'd be ready for how hard it would be but I am learning to know that I cannot sacrifice how I truly feel for the sake of keeping someone else glad. I continue to be guided.
I (with a lot of help from a coworker) killed and cooked two of the five roosters that live across the road from me, about forty feet from my bedroom window. While I am still in shock that we did such a thing I am still very grateful for willing neighbors and a tad more quiet afternoons where birds aren't crowing every ten minutes until sunset. They have become a nice stew and I am very much looking forward to enjoying it to hopefully continue to strengthen this body of mine and many others, if they are willing to.
This week I feel that the days have been shortened and I have been feeling like I should protest. Once I finally get into bed to actually put my thoughts in mental filing cabinets, I feel as though I was just getting out of this bed 10 minutes before...Feeling equally as sleepy as I did in the morning from lack of sleep from this vicious cycle. As I ponder upon these thoughts right here, right now, I look to my right at the wall which holds many grins and landscapes. Tiny printed words that say, "You must live for something higher, bigger and better than you". It is what I have been doing and like to think I am trying to continue to do. At times I feel like I am lazy with it while other days I feel triumphant in all of it. But I am just me. Just little ol' me trying my best to listen and be guided in the best direction that has been set out for me.
An odd final thought. I have been thinking of comfort places and friends and smells lately. How I will move on when others move on or I'll move on before they do so that I wont have to deal with the weird changes that come along with people who begin different seasons else where... This has been such a struggle of mine. On top of working seasonally for the majority of my life. I feel, by instinct, I should be moving on, but yet some days I feel I should stay a bit longer. To be strengthened by community, to be taught, to grow, to love and be loved.
At times I feel motion sickness from this winding road, that's when deep breathes are taken and you pop your ears to compensate... I have GOT to find better metaphor's...
Good night friends.
I have been tending to other people lately. Putting my best intentions aside and loosing my self and my strength through a lot of it. I have been distracted. I will be honest in saying I'm not alright with it. I am not ready to multitask in such ways, I am ready to be twenty-something ready to take on whatever and discover where ever. I didn't think I'd be ready for how hard it would be but I am learning to know that I cannot sacrifice how I truly feel for the sake of keeping someone else glad. I continue to be guided.
I (with a lot of help from a coworker) killed and cooked two of the five roosters that live across the road from me, about forty feet from my bedroom window. While I am still in shock that we did such a thing I am still very grateful for willing neighbors and a tad more quiet afternoons where birds aren't crowing every ten minutes until sunset. They have become a nice stew and I am very much looking forward to enjoying it to hopefully continue to strengthen this body of mine and many others, if they are willing to.
This week I feel that the days have been shortened and I have been feeling like I should protest. Once I finally get into bed to actually put my thoughts in mental filing cabinets, I feel as though I was just getting out of this bed 10 minutes before...Feeling equally as sleepy as I did in the morning from lack of sleep from this vicious cycle. As I ponder upon these thoughts right here, right now, I look to my right at the wall which holds many grins and landscapes. Tiny printed words that say, "You must live for something higher, bigger and better than you". It is what I have been doing and like to think I am trying to continue to do. At times I feel like I am lazy with it while other days I feel triumphant in all of it. But I am just me. Just little ol' me trying my best to listen and be guided in the best direction that has been set out for me.
An odd final thought. I have been thinking of comfort places and friends and smells lately. How I will move on when others move on or I'll move on before they do so that I wont have to deal with the weird changes that come along with people who begin different seasons else where... This has been such a struggle of mine. On top of working seasonally for the majority of my life. I feel, by instinct, I should be moving on, but yet some days I feel I should stay a bit longer. To be strengthened by community, to be taught, to grow, to love and be loved.
At times I feel motion sickness from this winding road, that's when deep breathes are taken and you pop your ears to compensate... I have GOT to find better metaphor's...
Good night friends.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Glory Rays.
You know it's been one of those days when God slows time to help you understand and appreciate things like a hummingbird fluttering in front of you as you drive down a redwood covered road. Or when you are laughing so hard while using different leaning techniques to reach the far black berries off the main bridge. Or loosing yourself in a run that makes you feel blessed to have the legs God gave you while being grateful for the air that enters your lungs as you keep going... You just keep going... And going, as you feel more and more free with each step that you stride.
Sun sending glory rays through giants as I breathe in California Bay while feet hit dirt and sweat pours from my tent of a body.
Where has this life come from? Thanks so much for things I will never be able to fully comprehend.
Thanks be to God.
Where has this life come from? Thanks so much for things I will never be able to fully comprehend.
Thanks be to God.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Topping Off The Cup.
Colossians 1:9-10
"So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better."
Black berries burst between my fingers as I picked the juicy ones and carefully placed each foot to reach the best ones. Lara and I talked and laughed as we were trying to place ourselves to claim the best of the prizes that hung just far enough from our purple finger tips. This is something glorious that I hope continues as the seasons change here amongst the giants... Community.
Things are different. I can't place my finger on anything or anyone because they aren't here. Faces that I long to see at times yet am content in knowing that their seasons are meant to be different than mine. All the same it is different.
Why do we have different names? If we had different names would that make us different people? Bring us to different places, lives? How interesting to think that God has it all taken care of and how often we fight it or try to convince him other wise when all we can do is surrender it and pray for spiritual wisdom. To be consumed by his presence and just know that things are the way that they are for reasons unknown to us.
And how is it that God has the most incredible ways of over flowing you with an abundance of joy at the most incredibly unforseen times, lifting you up to new heights instantly shedding light on himself?! It's times like this I honestly don't understand how people could question anything in relation to trying to "prove" that God exists.
It is written in the leaves that fall and the words that are spoken.
And every day I am convinced all the more of His love and strength...And it is causing me to overflow and melt into the comforts of His hands and His plan as it continues to unfold...Each day as it is given.
Keep praying.
"So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better."
Black berries burst between my fingers as I picked the juicy ones and carefully placed each foot to reach the best ones. Lara and I talked and laughed as we were trying to place ourselves to claim the best of the prizes that hung just far enough from our purple finger tips. This is something glorious that I hope continues as the seasons change here amongst the giants... Community.
Things are different. I can't place my finger on anything or anyone because they aren't here. Faces that I long to see at times yet am content in knowing that their seasons are meant to be different than mine. All the same it is different.
Why do we have different names? If we had different names would that make us different people? Bring us to different places, lives? How interesting to think that God has it all taken care of and how often we fight it or try to convince him other wise when all we can do is surrender it and pray for spiritual wisdom. To be consumed by his presence and just know that things are the way that they are for reasons unknown to us.
And how is it that God has the most incredible ways of over flowing you with an abundance of joy at the most incredibly unforseen times, lifting you up to new heights instantly shedding light on himself?! It's times like this I honestly don't understand how people could question anything in relation to trying to "prove" that God exists.
It is written in the leaves that fall and the words that are spoken.
And every day I am convinced all the more of His love and strength...And it is causing me to overflow and melt into the comforts of His hands and His plan as it continues to unfold...Each day as it is given.
Keep praying.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
At times we are too quick to think...
After a very up and down day, Jenna Bean continues to blow my mind with some raw loving reality. I have been struggling with change... And roosters. Content VS discontent. Sometimes it is harder for us to understand what is outside of our own heads and that is what the people (whom God puts into our lives) are for, raw reality giving advice that we sometimes forget is truth.
I wouldn't feel right now passing it on to you. So breathe it in and let it make you smile like it makes me grin.
Know that you continue to be loved....
-Ok listen here lady
I wouldn't feel right now passing it on to you. So breathe it in and let it make you smile like it makes me grin.
Know that you continue to be loved....
-Ok listen here lady
-I love you.
-next...
-those people need love
-you are a barrel of it
-and God doesn't call us to pour out to those we feel connected to
-He says go ahead and get down with yo bad self and love on every stinking person he brings into your life circle
-God was not asleep when those people came into your life circle
-and He intended for the affecting to go both ways
the beautiful part?
-well..
-when you go outside of yourself and beat your flesh into submission loving people who don't seem to offer you much or connect with you.... you often end up connecting, hah ( :
-oh the irony
-kindred spirits are a rare gift and they don't com 9 to a dozen, or in our case 3 in a half dozen
-they are rare gifts... meant to encourage you and build you up in the season God knows you need them to be there... right now He is probably stretching you.. teaching you endurance, what it means to run the race with endurance that you might receive the prize
Sent at 6:58 PM on Sunday
-in placing you in an uncomfortable situation He draws you deep into Himself and accomplishes with you the much bigger than Daria picture He intends to affect His precious Daria and the other precious daughters He has given you to rub against as sisters
-it's all about your perspective.. what kind of lenses are you seeing that place and those people through?
- if you hold onto something from the past that was the best, you will always miss the next best that will always be better because it is relevant to today.
- do you wanna live on one memory of best? You only knew it as best because you let go of something else to experience it.. don't sell yourself out for a memory of best... who says it won't get better?!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Things that I continue to learn...
Things I feel I am good at: Smiling, sitting, sleeping, helping, eating, driving, running, biking, skiing, keeping up on letters, sometimes journaling, dancing, encouraging, listening, getting stuff done, being honest, wearing sunglasses, joking, laughing, eating chocolate moose, cleaning my room, calling my Mom, moral supporter...
Things that I think I am not so good at: being encouraged, letting go of my pride, praying, writing, talking, letting frustrations go, trusting God, not thinking about myself, not eating well, taking my vitamins, showering on a regular basis, getting up early when I have nothing planned, saving money, keeping my composure with situations, focusing on conversations, not cracking my neck, not cracking my fingers, cooking, putting in food orders, dealing with chickens (literal one that are my neighbors) taking my own words to heart, ambition to move past my comfort zone, speaking my mind, gossip, keeping my feet warm at night, faking enthusiasm, faking anything, loving myself...
Isn't it crazy how the negative can out number the positive in our minds? How a mood or an attitude can have such a difference on reactions and domino effects on thoughts?
I will be detailed in saying that I am frustrated tonight. My car is not working properly and I am very distracted by my own thoughts and opinions on it. When things don't go accordingly or when the burden is longer than I ever think should be, I begin to get these tiny knots in my stomach that get tighter and tighter and tighter. Then from there I try to find ways to relieve the knots in my stomach, so I begin to crack and stretch out my neck but then it cracks no longer and I am left with a sore neck and tight shoulders all while the knots still tighten in my stomach and stay.
My car will not go in reverse and I live in California. I can't borrow my Moms car when Sarah comes out to visit in a week and I don't enjoy burdening people. While typing these things down, however, I find that these are just things that God wants me to work on. Which is why perhaps he has caused this to happen to begin with. Frankly I get frustrated on many accounts because I'd like to say that that is simply not far and it is NOT OK right now to burden me with this crisis because I don't have time for it...All the while he makes time for it and is again making me take the medicine like a child who is trying so hard to refuse.
I keep worrying about what's wrong with it, can it be fixed? Is it a simple fix? Or a complicated expensive fix, would I have the money to pay for it? Is it worth it to even fix if it's so expensive? How would I go about selling it? Who would even buy it? How am I going to get it from that parking lot to Bills... Could Bill look at it this week? When can I figure all of this out? Why is this happening now?! Before Sarah comes out?!
Do I know the extent of the condition of my car? No Can I do anything about it tomorrow? No, because I'm working all day again and there it will sit for another day in a grocery store parking lot...waiting... And does it kill me that I can't do anything about it? Absolutely... It's driving me nuts, to say the least.
I live to serve but at times I see my flaws more widely than usual and that comes into play when I think about my personal possessions compared to not having anything. It's just a thing and yet I worry about it. I shouldn't have these attached feelings and frustrations about things that I simply could choose not to have, but I have them and so the vicious thought process continues...Woof. Matthew.
If you read this, pray for my mind
...And maybe my car too.
Things that I think I am not so good at: being encouraged, letting go of my pride, praying, writing, talking, letting frustrations go, trusting God, not thinking about myself, not eating well, taking my vitamins, showering on a regular basis, getting up early when I have nothing planned, saving money, keeping my composure with situations, focusing on conversations, not cracking my neck, not cracking my fingers, cooking, putting in food orders, dealing with chickens (literal one that are my neighbors) taking my own words to heart, ambition to move past my comfort zone, speaking my mind, gossip, keeping my feet warm at night, faking enthusiasm, faking anything, loving myself...
Isn't it crazy how the negative can out number the positive in our minds? How a mood or an attitude can have such a difference on reactions and domino effects on thoughts?
I will be detailed in saying that I am frustrated tonight. My car is not working properly and I am very distracted by my own thoughts and opinions on it. When things don't go accordingly or when the burden is longer than I ever think should be, I begin to get these tiny knots in my stomach that get tighter and tighter and tighter. Then from there I try to find ways to relieve the knots in my stomach, so I begin to crack and stretch out my neck but then it cracks no longer and I am left with a sore neck and tight shoulders all while the knots still tighten in my stomach and stay.
My car will not go in reverse and I live in California. I can't borrow my Moms car when Sarah comes out to visit in a week and I don't enjoy burdening people. While typing these things down, however, I find that these are just things that God wants me to work on. Which is why perhaps he has caused this to happen to begin with. Frankly I get frustrated on many accounts because I'd like to say that that is simply not far and it is NOT OK right now to burden me with this crisis because I don't have time for it...All the while he makes time for it and is again making me take the medicine like a child who is trying so hard to refuse.
I keep worrying about what's wrong with it, can it be fixed? Is it a simple fix? Or a complicated expensive fix, would I have the money to pay for it? Is it worth it to even fix if it's so expensive? How would I go about selling it? Who would even buy it? How am I going to get it from that parking lot to Bills... Could Bill look at it this week? When can I figure all of this out? Why is this happening now?! Before Sarah comes out?!
Do I know the extent of the condition of my car? No Can I do anything about it tomorrow? No, because I'm working all day again and there it will sit for another day in a grocery store parking lot...waiting... And does it kill me that I can't do anything about it? Absolutely... It's driving me nuts, to say the least.
I live to serve but at times I see my flaws more widely than usual and that comes into play when I think about my personal possessions compared to not having anything. It's just a thing and yet I worry about it. I shouldn't have these attached feelings and frustrations about things that I simply could choose not to have, but I have them and so the vicious thought process continues...Woof. Matthew.
If you read this, pray for my mind
...And maybe my car too.
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