We cannot build our own religion. We are not in control. We must simply surrender to what we cannot see. If we continue to seek the full, detailed answer we will never find it because the answer is not our own. Thinking upon these things I look back upon this crazy blessed lesson of a life as of late.
I have been tending to other people lately. Putting my best intentions aside and loosing my self and my strength through a lot of it. I have been distracted. I will be honest in saying I'm not alright with it. I am not ready to multitask in such ways, I am ready to be twenty-something ready to take on whatever and discover where ever. I didn't think I'd be ready for how hard it would be but I am learning to know that I cannot sacrifice how I truly feel for the sake of keeping someone else glad. I continue to be guided.
I (with a lot of help from a coworker) killed and cooked two of the five roosters that live across the road from me, about forty feet from my bedroom window. While I am still in shock that we did such a thing I am still very grateful for willing neighbors and a tad more quiet afternoons where birds aren't crowing every ten minutes until sunset. They have become a nice stew and I am very much looking forward to enjoying it to hopefully continue to strengthen this body of mine and many others, if they are willing to.
This week I feel that the days have been shortened and I have been feeling like I should protest. Once I finally get into bed to actually put my thoughts in mental filing cabinets, I feel as though I was just getting out of this bed 10 minutes before...Feeling equally as sleepy as I did in the morning from lack of sleep from this vicious cycle. As I ponder upon these thoughts right here, right now, I look to my right at the wall which holds many grins and landscapes. Tiny printed words that say, "You must live for something higher, bigger and better than you". It is what I have been doing and like to think I am trying to continue to do. At times I feel like I am lazy with it while other days I feel triumphant in all of it. But I am just me. Just little ol' me trying my best to listen and be guided in the best direction that has been set out for me.
An odd final thought. I have been thinking of comfort places and friends and smells lately. How I will move on when others move on or I'll move on before they do so that I wont have to deal with the weird changes that come along with people who begin different seasons else where... This has been such a struggle of mine. On top of working seasonally for the majority of my life. I feel, by instinct, I should be moving on, but yet some days I feel I should stay a bit longer. To be strengthened by community, to be taught, to grow, to love and be loved.
At times I feel motion sickness from this winding road, that's when deep breathes are taken and you pop your ears to compensate... I have GOT to find better metaphor's...
Good night friends.
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