The quote stated above is not to speak of recent darkness in my own life or the discouragement that might seemingly be felt. But rather it is very much a prayer and reminder for me today. I hope and pray the same for who ever reads this.
3 years ago I had returned from one of the most impactful summers of my life. My legs felt like steel and my heart, though overflowing, was extremely lost and heavy. I had just finished a 3400 mile bike ride from Seattle WA to New York City. In the midst of this transition and transference I had spoken a lot with God that summer about what my future would look like. I almost commited to moving to Boulder CO on a whim and really had no want within me to return to the Redwood forrest (as stange as that seems). Instead I would rather have run to avoid what I ultimately knew I needed to do, return to work in Northern California.
I remember sitting in a field in front of a church in Plymouth, Wisconsin telling God and asking Him to please give me direction. To please give me clairity on what I should do considering I needed to let those in California know and soon! I argued, begged and tried to hop around the truth.
The conversation went as follows:
D: "God please, I can't go back."
G: "I need you to go back"
D: "Why? I'm exhausted, bitter and burnt out"
G: "I know. But I need you to go back."
D: "Please don't make me."
G: "I know. In fact, this will be one of the hardest seasons of your life... But I need you to go back."
D: "...Fine."
G: "It'll be worth it. I promise.Trust me".
D: " ::sigh:: alright."
"Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass".- Joshua 21:45
"Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?"- Psalm 77:8
"so you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises".- Hebrews 6:12
"by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire".- 2 Peter 1:4
The first day that I returned to work I was given a promotion. You would think I would be thrilled about this. I wasn't. If anything I was more distrusting and stressed out. The promotion I had received was to a position that didn't exist yet. I was put in charge alongside my boss to create a new position to go with the expansion of our programing in the Redwood forest. There was no routine, there was no "getting used to things again", no transference. As the weeks continued I was finding it harder and hard to get out of bed to approach work. It became harder and harder to care... About anything except my exhaustion, stuck in a deep black hole of thoughts and how I couldn't comprehend why God really wanted me back here. A few weeks after that, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression.
I have been taking a pill everyday for the last 3 years of my life to regulate what my body fails to produce. Chemicals in my brain that help me to function both physically and mentally.
I was bitter to need medication in such a medicated generation, I wanted to go against it. I felt guilt crumble me in the sense that I had been told multiple time, "You're not praying enough", "You need to trust the Lord more", "You should read your bible more".
Stigmas...
Yes Depression is not of the Lord. But yet He still allows it. Yes there is an imbalance in my brain that causes my body to react the way that it does. Our bodies have been flawed since the fall of man. Sure medication isn't the answer but God (the great physician) provided knowledge and responsibility of physicians to create this medicine that can help many to see the truths and not allow our flawed bodies, our flesh to over take our souls and spirits.
Yes I struggle with depression but perhaps God is using this as a huge tool to minister. He grew me tremendously in that season to trust the promise that he set before me of knowing that through hard seasons it would be worth it. and it has been 300 times over.
I say all of this because this week is the first week that I have not taken a pill everyday. Instead my doctor and I are experimenting to see how my brain does for the rest of August into September without medication. Over the last few months of moving to Laramie my stress levels have dissipated tremendously and I have been able to go down in dosage. through this transition my prayer goes back to the quote above.
I will openly admit that I believe that God has not healed me from my depression. And that is His choice. I know that he can if he wants. But until then, I know that there is reason for everything... There is a specific reason for it. And that in these storms we should not dread the dark clouds and rain because through each season or rain, blessing, cultivation and new growth comes with it and from it.Thank you Jesus!
Tunes for the week:
Still hooked on these gems-
Running To You
Good Good Father
Up In Arms
-Keep Adventuring.
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