A friend of mine recently sent me this webcomic on Anxiety and depression:
I struggle with anxiety and depression.
It has been about a month since I've gone completely off of my Anti-depressant. I wish I had the praise report in a way that brought good news of life feels great and I haven't looked back once. Hence the title this week.
I don't care again. It gets worse as the days go on. And I am torn between sharing and not wanting to speak. Not wanting to "burden", yet not having anything in me that cares. I sigh loudly internally as interactions come. I don't want to pick up the phone, I don't want to give the negative report of how nothing's changed. Of how today isn't even slightly better than yesterday. I don't feel like praying or even speaking of this feeling of being slowly sufficated. It feels like this in my bones.
Brain in a jar with eyes connected in some strange out of body experiential way, distant from my zombie body. I wish I had forgotten what this feels like but this feeling causes years to blend together while sifting from the good to the sorrowful. Sorrow is good. Dwelling is good but it is not good to continually dwell... I'm not dwelling, I'm roaming in this mind struggle of brain chemical imbalances like walking on teeters that tot with the heaviest of weights on my heart and soul. Stifling my spirit while it tries to rebuke. While it awaits the lifting and settling of me.
The backs of my eyes feel swollen as if I've been crying rivers. Yet the only things that have been brought to the surface are stoic stares with longing to not feel so distant yet still not caring at all.
There seems to be a slight contentment in sitting and starring.
My eyes feel swollen from the inside out that causes my blank stare to flood my body and fumble my steps. Reality... Experiement gone wrong or perhaps a small success above the surface that becomes more and more distant as I slip numbingly deeper and deeper below to the depths of foggy water and paralizing pressure. It is not the good pressure that one feels from hugs rather a kind that prevents you from speaking properly, seeing reality and thriving outward.
These depths bring out survival skills...
Instead the praise report is that I gave it a shot. I ventured out to find, in fact, that I still need to be on Anti-depressants. This week has been harder than any other specifically through the "detox phase" and my denial about detoxing. The denial broke when my head became more foggy and my energy level plummited while my anxiety levels began to rise. But I am hopeful like I've mentioned, if God wanted to take it away, he would. But he hasn't so there is purpose and reason behind that.
This truth is what I cling to. Purpose.
-Keep Adventuring... Through it all.
Ben Howard has been a continual part of my sound track this week.
<3
ReplyDeleteFriend, you are not alone. I feel that depression is the thorn in my flesh that I've pleaded with God to take away, but He says "My power is made perfect in weakness."
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting as you keep adventuring!
Friend, you are not alone. I feel that depression is the thorn in my flesh that I've pleaded with God to take away, but He says "My power is made perfect in weakness."
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting as you keep adventuring!