Growth

The rain hit my nose today, crashing across the bridge, exploding five different directions. Breathing in the California Bay leaf air, I find myself distracted. I am extremely disoriented and thrown off my footing by my emotional instability. At times I must remind myself of where I am and what I am doing. How fickle my mind can be, creating a barrier and building a wall of what the past holds. And how unyielding those memories find a way to strengthen like weeds beneath a foundation creating weak points and finding ways through the cracks of my vulnerable being.

So I've been doing a lot of listening. To other people and to other things. To God. I've been taking in a lot of other things to somewhat distract myself from my own self to focus on better things. However I do realize that sooner or later I must deal with what has always been right in front of me.

Though I've had some frustrations happen this week, it is the things that connect to these other things, that is what frustrates me the most. I'd like to leave it all behind and yet it comes back to haunt me. stirring emotional attachment with severed limbs that have left parts of my heart numb.

A memory: A princess on her great knights shoulders, laughing while walking up the driveway. Light blue house on the right, garden on the left. The knight is stepping through a puddle from the afternoons summer showers and the sun is beginning to set with a breeze. Her little feet move while the knight has her safe in the palms of his hands on her little shins. Pink, orange and blue are the colors she sees above her little brunette head, wearing a single pink beret. A blue polo t-shirt with tan shorts sitting upon a short sleeved blue and white plaid button up with her hands upon her knights head. All while she laughs and twirls. feeling as safe as can be. feeling as free as can be.

It Aint me Babe.

The LORD is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation
He is my God and I will praise him,
my Fathers God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:2

You probably couldn't tell by my hands that I belayed for almost 7 hours straight today. My body would have to agree on the matter. In no point did my mind or body say, "No! I refuse, this is crazy!" Instead my heart and mind rejoiced and happily worked, worked, worked. Today was a bit of an off day. Off days happen on earth more often then we notice and conflicts mixed with a bit of rain, make for sleepy eyes.

However even now being in my warm bed with the fan lazily making the comfort noise I love so much, I am smiling at the thought of what amazing people I work with and how blessed I am to be encouraged by each of them every-single-day. Between getting kids across the ropes course and Challenge course central becoming a common stomping ground for all 6 groups today, each of us contributed so much to helping things flow to the best of the days ability.

As I belayed a student up the redwood tree, I had to squint because of the white-gold sunlight hitting my face. The sun was shinning and the sky was blue after 3 straight days of rain. How awesome that these kids still got to come out here. It makes me think of past field trips that were rained or snowed out. How bummed I was in those old days. To even just provide a day in this amazing fog filled mystical place I am blessed enough to call my office, I was stoked to be able to share these great adventures.

There wasn't a single moment in my day I was tired. There wasn't a moment in my day I feel my heart wasn't smiling because of the souls around me. The Lord is my strength. And the paths that I continue to walk down I have been in the midst of amazing, profound, beautiful,humble company.

I am so, so thankful for that.
Lord thank you for the continued strength and all that you have continued to provide around me.
Amen...Amen

"Juice" ...It's the code word for Help.

As I was laying on the trampoline tonight in my sleeping bag answering a question, I listened to the words coming out of my own mouth flowing like I had known them for years.
This place is home. This place, these times are my comfort. The way that I have been feeling and the things my eyes have seen in this last week, this last month, this last year, have all been overwhelmingly amazing. I find myself walking up a trail or looking a student in the eyes after they've accomplished something incredible in class and just becoming overwhelmed with joy. So much that I almost can't breathe because of how real it feels.

My heart has also broken. When these kids minds get the best of them. When they're fears overwhelm their minds and bodies so much that they can't even hear me speak to them. My heart breaks when they are frustrated and they want to accomplish the task but can't.

I had a student come up to me after morning classes today, Lucas. He has a fear of heights and has been working so hard to try and move past it. We worked together yesterday on the Rope Rocket but he just couldn't push himself off. I could see how badly he wanted it. After yesterdays class I was so emotionally exhausted and broken from these somewhat "failed" attempts. However I'm realizing now that they aren't failed at all. They are triumph and growth. How awesome it is to see a child grow and push themselves further beyond anything they thought they would attempt to accomplish.
When we were on the Leap of Faith today, he climbed half way up and couldn't climb any further to the platform above him. However he tried to jump to the next hold on the tree slipping...trusting that I had him on Belay. I did. I was so proud of him. He went up higher than he even thought he could and that's truly all that matters, that he was up there and he was trusting. As the morning class came to a close I was on belay with a staff member who was climbing down from on top of the leap and the class had gone. It was silent but then I heard little footsteps coming down the path towards me. It was him, Lucas. He stood next to me for a moment while I belayed and then he told me something that blew my heart and mind so close to heaven. He told me that he was happy I was there to talk him through the last couple of days and how much he really did trust me. He told me that he really appreciated how encouraging I had been with him even though he was frustrated with him self and how proud I was of him.
My heart broke when he (a 6th grader) told me that then began to walk away. He didn't have to do it. He didn't need to say it. But because he did, it instantly made my thought "failures" from the week transform into mountain peaks and that incredible feeling of hugging someone you care so deeply about, trying to think of words to describe how blessed you feel to have them be apart of your life, but can't...so you just cry.

Nothing really does label it better than raw emotion.

Birds on Wires

We drove to the airport again. With out a cloud in the sky, warm sun hitting my jeaned knees. My mom points to the birds sitting on a bunch of telephone wires high in the sky above Interstate 81 South. Why do you suppose birds sit so close together while some spread out and need space. Why are there only two birds sitting all the way down there in the right hand corner away from everyone else in this picture I'm recalling in my head.

We ask the question, "Why" a lot. Why this, why that, why you, WHY ME?! This day above anything else I find myself asking that question silently...over...and over...and over again.

To be 2 minutes late to check in my bag to catch a 6:02am Eastern time flight to Chicago and end up completely missing my flight because of 2 lousy minutes, it makes me wonder, "why?"

Why did my alarm not work? Why did my mom not wake me up like she always does for things like this? What made her assume for the first time ever that I was awake? Why did she not have her cell phone on when she dropped me off? Why did I miss my flight even after killing myself to make it through security, unchecked bag and all?...I know someone who knows. I know that whether it involves me or not who knows what would have happened if I had gotten on that flight. Everything didn't want me to get on that flight From waking up late to the very fact that I couldn't locate my boarding pass when I thought it was in my fleece pocket in security.

Who knows? The good Lord does for hes the one who may have just prevented me dieing in a crash, mugging in Chicago. Or even something that has nothing physically to do with me like Jen driving to San Fran to pick me up. Maybe prevented something there. Or someone else I don't even know. Everything connecting in winding passageways and precis connecting of these dots that are far to complicated for the brilliant human mind to wrap our thoughts around.

So this brings me back to something I look at every time I sit down in the bathroom at my house in PA.

The Power of Attitude

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us,
but how we react to what happens; not by what life
brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive
attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts,
events and outcomes. It is a catalyst... a spark that
creates extraordinary results."



I haven't a clue what's in store for me for the rest of the day. However I do know that my bag was checked at 6:30am for my flight that leaves for Detroit at 4:30pm...

County Lines (10/14/10 1am)

Blood rushing through my ears
Engines rush the air with excitement
To remind the wings of the thrill they were born for.
Anticipation keeps my thoughts from resting
tracing the invisible landscapes
Outside my window with my imaginary lines

There are no boundaries, merely just imaginary things that beings like you create. Or I create barriers that I find myself breaking through at all times becoming more and more free with every breathe of a blessed spirit that lives within the deepest part of this once lost soul.

Breathe in
Fell blood
Rush through my heart
Hear it beat
In time with music
Thoughts
Prayers
Joys
Sorrows...I am alive.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (10/13/10 terminal 26 San Fran 9pm)

Now... Flight seems so lazy like GPS taking you the quickest route blindly. Instead of looking around using other senses and skills to get where you want to go. I drove seven days to get to where I am. Now I'll be back where I began in less than six hours time. My head can't seem to understand it's so far and yet so close. However that doesn't take away my passion for flying.

How is it that I feel like a new person yet again? I feel like I'm shedding my childhood. For the first time ever I feel older, I feel healthier, I feel...not wiser, but more experienced. I don't feel like I drove out of my childhood nor did I fly. I believe I took the train...or a kite.

Babies (10/13/10 in San Fran, 8pm)

As I sit here on the floor in the airport terminal, I can't help but notice how detailed my thoughts are, and now, my thought process. I love writing. I wish I were better at it. Making my words so detailed in what I feel and think. Often when I try to explain things, my thoughts get lost in translation.

I'm about to catch a Red eye to Philly then home... Home, it seems so distant currently, like I left so long ago. How will I feel when I'm back? It's only for what feels like a few hours. I wonder who else is going home. Is it their real home? Or just what they call it?

This place has become my home, living with sisters.

I feel warmth from the thought of standing in line to pay for my gum when I see a Milkyway candy bar and some peanut butter m&m's. Thinking about plate tectonics and how the earth is cut into layers, like humans. Glancing back at the conversation I had with Jen on the way to the airport, we have so many layers. I must say that some people wear far too many heavy sweaters while some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves.

Babies are cute! I wonder if I'll ever have one. Dads and babies are really cute. To be a Dad I feel you really need to strip a lot of layers off and really show your tender side. Specifically daughters. They're Daddy's little girls. There are many different Dads around, young, old, well dressed and some not so much. I secretly hope that my husband, my babies Daddy (if you will), whoever he will be I hope he will be well dressed and have some fashion sense...I'm weird like that I guess.

"Oh The Places you Will Go"

I was finding it heard to fall asleep last night. Even at the age of 23 I woke up an hour earlier even after it took me an extra hour or two to head to the work shop where I often build trinkets out of my days experiences and ideas. I'm getting on a plane tonight. I'm getting onto one of the most exciting ways of travel. Getting on it to go home and see everyone. To see my best friend get married, my friends, my family.

Even being the age that I am I still get really excited about these things. Just like when I used to sleep at the foot of my parents bed the night before we would go Knoebels. Thinking about the fun that is about to commence. How my heart skips a beat to think about Who I'm headed to see.

Even at 23 anticipation is still getting the best of me.

Up These Hills

I've been doing a lot of walking around here. I walk on pavement, gravel, wood, and dusty trails. I do a lot of walking up. Most of the trails and destinations we have here are at the top of steep trails. They can be full of surprises all the time. Will I slip? Will I slide, tumble, create a tiny land slide, make it down unscathed?

I have climbed many mountains in my life. Some short, some that have rocked my world, some that I never summited and some I chose not to. When I was in Ecuador while climbing in high altitude and moving forward, I realized a lot of things about myself. Something that changed my eyes and my outlook on so many things in my life and how I look at these open trails now is what our team guide told me at over 17,000ft on a glacier at sunrise on a crystal morning as the sun crested the horizon right beside a volcano in the distance. All while I was having a mental and physical battle to reach the summit. Head pounding at 16,000ft in the small base hut built into pumice and mud that sat cozily underneath Cotopaxi, a volcano that was over 19,000ft in elevating wonder and mysterious beauty.

I kept having dizzy spells and honestly should have turned back earlier than I did. Every step becoming so brutal and so real. I couldn't do this. This was the first time in my life I physically could not go on. How frustrating that was to try so hard in preparation and anticipation to only reach something that isn't what you imagined. I was frustrated and mad at myself. For more reasons than just having mental blocks about proceeding rest-step after rest-step, stopping every 25 feet to try and force any air that might have been hiding in the pitch dark 4 something in the morning.

I prayed for the strength, I prayed for understanding and grace of the battle that my body and mind were having until these words came from a beautiful Ecuadorian accented heart ..."Everyone has their own summit, one is very different from another. This is your summit, Celebrate!"

We danced on the side of Cotopaxi that morning. I cried and looked to the fading stars above me to feel the glorious love that was silently raining down on me. as the landscapes began to awaken and distant Quito city lights began to flicker from the clumsy fog. We had made it to a new destination, a new moment, a new realization. How glorious? How Stunning life was. 

How simple, and yet my human mind forgets at times the utter beauty of it all. Wanting something so badly doesn't mean you always get it. A reminder then has been to look at the places you are currently standing. The details in the fabric and the journey itself. How blessed? How stunning? Enjoying even just a little bit of sunshine that falls down through the Redwood trees on a brisk morning. To see the pure joy and raw innocence in a childs eyes as they laugh and learn. As they grow and teach us things we have forgotten in the hustle and bustle of "growing up".

This life is so neat.