Thursday, September 1, 2011

Things that I continue to learn...

Things I feel I am good at: Smiling, sitting, sleeping, helping, eating, driving, running, biking, skiing, keeping up on letters, sometimes journaling, dancing, encouraging, listening, getting stuff done, being honest, wearing sunglasses, joking, laughing, eating chocolate moose, cleaning my room, calling my Mom, moral supporter...

Things that I think I am not so good at: being encouraged, letting go of my pride, praying, writing, talking, letting frustrations go, trusting God, not thinking about myself, not eating well, taking my vitamins, showering on a regular basis, getting up early when I have nothing planned, saving money, keeping my composure with situations, focusing on conversations, not cracking my neck, not cracking my fingers, cooking, putting in food orders, dealing with chickens (literal one that are my neighbors) taking my own words to heart, ambition to move past my comfort zone, speaking my mind, gossip, keeping my feet warm at night, faking enthusiasm, faking anything, loving myself...

Isn't it crazy how the negative can out number the positive in our minds? How a mood or an attitude can have such a difference on reactions and domino effects on thoughts?

I will be detailed in saying that I am frustrated tonight. My car is not working properly and I am very distracted by my own thoughts and opinions on it. When things don't go accordingly or when the burden is longer than I ever think should be, I begin to get these tiny knots in my stomach that get tighter and tighter and tighter. Then from there I try to find  ways to relieve the knots in my stomach, so I begin to crack and stretch out my neck but then it cracks no longer and I am left with a sore neck and tight shoulders all while the knots still tighten in my stomach and stay.

My car will not go in reverse and I live in California. I can't borrow my Moms car when Sarah comes out to visit in a week and I don't enjoy burdening people. While typing these things down, however, I find that these are just things that God wants me to work on. Which is why perhaps he has caused this to happen to begin with. Frankly I get frustrated on many accounts because I'd like to say that that is simply not far and it is NOT OK right now to burden me with this crisis because I don't have time for it...All the while he makes time for it and is again making me take the medicine like a child who is trying so hard to refuse.

I keep worrying about what's wrong with it, can it be fixed? Is it a simple fix? Or a complicated expensive fix, would I have the money to pay for it? Is it worth it to even fix if it's so expensive? How would I go about selling it? Who would even buy it? How am I going to get it from that parking lot to Bills... Could Bill look at it this week? When can I figure all of this out? Why is this happening now?! Before Sarah comes out?!

Do I know the extent of the condition of my car? No Can I do anything about it tomorrow? No, because I'm working all day again and there it will sit for another day in a grocery store parking lot...waiting... And does it kill me that I can't do anything about it? Absolutely... It's driving me nuts, to say the least.

I live to serve but at times I see my flaws more widely than usual and that comes into play when I think about my personal possessions compared to not having anything. It's just a thing and yet I worry about it. I shouldn't have these attached feelings and frustrations about things that I simply could choose not to have, but I have them and so the vicious thought process continues...Woof. Matthew.



If you read this, pray for my mind

...And maybe my car too.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you sister. We haven't talked in weeks, but I miss you. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. I love you.

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