Recently I've been having really weird dreams. Some silly but many disturbing as my heart and spirit go through the emotions within the dream of heart ache, severe betrayal, loss, and frustration, abandonment. Things make sense yet they don't make sense at all. People I haven't seen or spoken to in years.
I can sense an unclear connection. With in my dreams the main subject is people. I am constantly being abandoned or parted from... people. As disturbing as this feels, I feel like the more disturbing thing about all of this is that In my dreams I can feel myself becoming bitterly numb. I can see through the subjects in my dreams and I am not merciful to them I am the opposite. I am often revengeful with my words. Quick to express what is drooled all over my sleeve left over from the strangling of my heart from so many lost brutal battles in my life and past life.
I have never been good at letting seasons in my life go. I have never been good at saying goodbye to people or understanding why seasons exist in the ways that they do. I have always struggled with feeling disconnected from people when I so badly want to deeply connect with them. So many times people have entered my life and just as quickly as they entered they have vanished or become distant... Or maybe I've put distance between because of past circumstances.
Short seasons of great impact:
- Camp counselors
- Student teachers
- Semester Friends
- Course Instructors
- Bike Tour Mates
In each of these seasons the seasons change. I never thought any of that was possible. But things change constantly, we change constantly. So many parts of me know that through these life lessons, through the heartbreak of goodbye and the dynamic changes, God is crying out for me to seek him instead of rooting myself in... people.
It is something I am continually learning and relearning. It has been very hard for me to grab hold of this understanding and be obedient in it. The desire within me so badly wants to connect with those who are around me and find that deep, deep connection.
I read another blog this morning. A blog that is currently walking through the heartache, struggle and hope of healing. "Day 24"- antifragilesite The very beginning is what struck me most. These words that follow:
"Having expectations seems so harmless and sometimes even beneficial. But why do expectations have the power to cause so much pain and disappointment? I think when we really strip it down, expectations are a focus on 'self'. We have a picture in our heads of how our lives and relationships should look. When those expectations are not met, it messes with our joy."
Through hearts ripping and through crash and burn expectations I know that God is for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."- Jeremiah 29:11
My destiny is not to be fragile and broken. God has already redeemed my brokenness and is continually making me whole in Him. But rather I feel continually called to love unconditionally and deal with the heart ache that follows no matter how real and deep it may be. In each of these moments Love is what God calls me towards... No condition should ever prevent that.
- Keep adventuring.
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