Gray Days.

My feet and hands are cold today. As I think about this I remember something being said that because my feet and hands are cold, it means all of the blood that should be rushing through them is rushing through my heart with love. I'd like to believe this. My heart has been aching all day. My indecisive mind and things I should do. My mind and thoughts have been getting the best of me. It's a very odd thing really.

Should I...Shouldn't I? I feel as though I don't have any ambition. I want to enjoy it all but there's a rather big part who would rather just stay hidden and not venture and discover today. There are many things that I have taken in and things that I have let go in my time of being here. I feel more disconnected than ever this afternoon from myself and everything around me. And yet, I wish to do nothing but warm my hands and feet. I believe that my toes are icicles... My core feels as though there is an ice cube in the pit of my stomach that wont melt. and currently the things around me are frozen and asleep.  I have noticed in the midst of all this cheer, my disliking of cold weather and windy moments...

But this book. This book sitting beside me. It's so hard to explain. The words, they certainly don't come from my perspective. Raining down on me like a summer days shower. Sun shining through the darkest of clouds, seeking comfort and refreshment. As cold as it is, it is a reminder of being able to feel. Not only the sunshine, but the rain. To not only feel the nip of Jack frost but truly feel the bite of this life and how raw it really can be at times. All while still wondering why signs on roads say "bridge may be icy" even on the hottest day of summer. 

I must strip these complex layers to feel bare and vulnerable. To fall and know that I am not invincible...again.

....Joshua 1:8-9....


 Heavenly Father: I believe that your grace is more powerful than my label. I believe Christ died to pay for the sin my label represents. I believe that you've offered me a new label: "forgiven, accepted and loved." Teach me to live my life in accordance with who you say I am.