So these times happen not very often but I suddenly felt a tad home sick. Not just for the east coast but for literally the days of summer vacation when I did absolutely nothing but lay in the grass or sleep in no problem. What is my problem? I have been having this chronic fear of not being rested enough. Of not being able to have enough strength, of being sick, of being sick and tired. Then I look to the tan carpet with old car maintenance receipts and a birthday card. I have a job, it is on the West coast and this is what I've been doing for a year. I am...tired. But I am... more full than I have been.
I spent the day decompressing from work...The morning decompressing. You would wonder what is there to decompress from when you work with kids all the time, in the woods, in a bubble?
It is just that. At times I feel as though I am not a real person. I feel as though I am stuck in this role of North Eastern PA. Where my days consist of making sure announcements are running smoothly classes are set and prepped ready for when kids get off their beds and sing my way up and down trails while getting to know the brains and fears of 5th and 6th graders. By the time I get into bed at night I feel like I had only just gotten out 10 minutes before. Feeling the same amount of exhaustion.
I am not trying to say this is a negative thing. Because it isn't most of the time. I am saying that I don't want to fall into this routine of this being the only thing I know...
I feel this is why my ambition has sky rocketed for what my ideas might be for further down the road. There are so many options. Where can I go, what do I really want to do next? How? Through hike the Appalachian Trail? Perhaps, Bike across the country? High potential. What do I truly want to be when I go up?
That last question has me back to square one, wishing I was a child laying in the grass with no responsibility to worry about, with nothing to worry about sustaining myself with.
LIGHT BULB.
Why do these things gnaw away at my brain so much sometimes? As much as I am not looking forward to doing low-ropes tomorrow I will openly admit that I do enjoy the personalities I meet more. I don't right before I dive in, but once I'm in I take advantage of it and I enjoy getting to know kids and what makes them tick.
Truth: I have a very selfish mentality at times when it comes to working in this industry. When I think about the day, I think about how I would much rather be sitting here on my bed not doing a single thing. Sleeping instead, perhaps or literally staring at a wall.
I have been admitting more and more to myself that though I say I trust the Lord to give me all the strength I need to sustain me, I am exhausted. Looking toward faces I have yet to meet and places I have yet to see, tonight, I am tired and I want to sleep. Deep slumbers, with out roosters.
I have also realized that I tend to try and candy coat endings to my entries... but not tonight.
That's all I've got.
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