I randomly applied for jobs in an out of the country with dreams and wonder of what I would be doing 10 years from that moment in late Summer, 2010. I was hired to work in Redwood trees and decided I would drive my old hatchback to California. I made it but a year later that old hatchback putzed out and I was with out a car with a walk for a commute. To loose a car couldn't have been better timed. Just months before the transmission completely dropped I received a bicycle. Later that Summer I would cycle for my first time across the United States.
After returning to California I didn't see a need to have a car considering the fuel economy was amazing via freaky Sneaks. So I spent the next two and a half years with out a car. Here and there I would think about how nice it would be to have a car. Instead to stay sane from cabin fever I would borrow friends cars to leave camp for a few hours or ride my bike out of the valley and into the sunshine of the coast.
I never really felt like I needed a car until now. Even now I know that if need be I wouldn't have the car I was blessed with. But this vehicle provides more opportunity for God to use me as His vessel to unfold this journey continually. (That is my belief)
When I returned from Wyoming in the beginning of July, I was overwhelmed with what was in the works for the next 6 months in transition and moving along. I thought on the subject of the car often but I also knew that I wasn't going to do it by myself.
Instead I had this crazy idea. I will admit I have a lot of crazy ideas. I have these day dreams about amazing things happening. Things like My Mom winning the lottery and paying of my brother and my school loans and then giving me money to just pay out right for a brand new car. Or perhaps acquiring a car would be as simple as writing Bob Goff and telling him my incredible need for a car and day dream the heavenly outcome of being hooked up and taken care of.
The truth is I've gotten my hopes up just to be torn and burned down more times than I'd like to admit. Truthfully I'm just a stubborn child that wishes so much to just be handed things so that I don't need to worry about any of it. Instead just check off the items needed as my life goes along hoping it will become smoother and smoother.
To do lists is are one of my favorite things. Just like when I painted exterior homes years ago, I loved seeing the progress of the physical accomplishments of the work that I was doing. My false sense of seeing fruit perhaps. To be able to cross that task or that chore off of the list so that it is done and finished can be a very satisfied feeling. I'm pretty sure I've grown that mentality with in my work in California because there was a checklist that needed to be accomplished every week.
So even in the transition of decompression over the last couple of months I still felt like my life(in the beginning) was supposed to play out like this:
1. Get the job
2. Get a car
3.Raise the funds
4.Move to Laramie
5. Serve God
Has your jaw dropped slightly? Because mine did when I first thought about it a few months ago with in my frustrations of MY plan not working out the way I think it should. I moved God back out of the picture while making my own plans that meant nothing compared to the potential God has for me if I would just humble myself and allow Him to do His thing.
How is Serve God even last on that list?! It's funny but heart breaking when God is sometimes the last thing that we think about including when we think of succeeding. I know I can be a rather forgetful person.
So I knew that I was pulled in this direction after this Summer experience and knew that something would be changing by the end of the year. I knew that I thought all of these things needed to be accomplished and checked off the list before I could do ANYTHING else. So where to begin?...When I became lost on this subject I asked God what I should do. I asked God to give me a car. While I quickly fell into fantasy about how He was going to do it and then be torn to bits when the door slammed in my face.
Finally after yet another car door had been closed on my nose, I didn't give up. As much as I felt defeated, I felt like I was finally beginning to listen more to what God truly has in front of me. As I explained to people that I knew that God would provide, I really believe that. Outside of what how I wish He would provide sometimes, I know nothing about His plan except that it is meant for good. And with lack of vision but faith in knowing that He WILL provide whether that is a car, funding or a completely different direction to go in, He-will-provide. Just like he always has and always will.
The entire time leading up to all of this stuff was me in a very simple mindset of trying to go the cheapest possible with out taking out a car loan but hoping it would be an amazing new car that is reliable... It's not impossible. It happens all the time. Perhaps it's just not apart of the plan God has for me... Too simple perhaps. God is capable of anything. So that time came and went with a couple of windy months of doors continuing to close abruptly. I felt guilty because I had looked into rental car prices. I can't continue to let myself fall into that guilt. Just because it wasn't apart of my plan doesn't mean it's not apart of His plan.
In fact When I borrowed my dear friends older car to drive my friends to the airport during the monsoon in San Francisco, I was grateful that we had extra luggage at 3 am to keep us from hydro planing. I thank God for preventing us from hydro Planing. It was very real in those swerving moments that I didn't want to focus on a car that I would need to put work into when I didn't feel safe in it from the beginning. But instead I wanted God to provide reliability.In order for this to happen I could see God telling me that I needed to trust Him. Not just to provide in the beginning but to trust continually.
So I rented a car and drove to Wyoming with all of my things. God upgraded that rental car that I tried to save money on by purchasing a mid-sized. After the rental company called me and asked me to return the car they had given me because this car wasn't aloud to leave the state of California, I was given an SUV that had exactly enough room and plus some extra to move my things across the US.
I returned that rental car in Denver and came home to nerves of looking for cars with my Mom and brother. A few leads but nothing felt like it was solid. I didn't know what was solid anymore. I don't even know how long I'll be in Pennsylvania at this point. These insecurities made the search feel endless. Yet I knew God was up to something. The day after my brother left to head back to New York City, my Mom and I went on another search. This time leading us down about an hour south of us and I test drove a Mazda 3. I really liked the car but again didn't want to get too attached so I hid my interests.
I am terrible at hiding excitement.
We looked at another car after the Mazda and then went home feeling defeated again. Car shopping feels a lot like shopping for jeans. Frustrating and exhausting. As we arrived home that Saturday evening we talked about the Mazda more and more and I checked the times that the dealership would open in the morning... They were closed on Sundays. It's hard to describe the feeling of desperate measure in not being able to return until Monday but yet an incredible amount of relief in knowing that since they were closed on Sundays chances were that no one else would be looking at the car. Every 10 minutes it felt like I kept reminding myself if it is HIS will not mine. I worked my hardest to just let go of all of it.
Monday morning came and I called the dealership saying I wanted to take the car for another test drive while trying not to yell, "Don't let anyone else near my car"!! We arrived and took a drive. I was reminded of the times my parents had purchased new cars and how that always consisted of a lot of sitting and waiting. As we discussed prices. At this point I know that I need to trust that God will provide what is needed for the continual transition of this season. Not just in the beginning, but through this entire season of my life in Wyoming and beyond.
Life isn't a to do list just like getting in shape isn't just a list of things to check off and walk away from on to the next thing. It is a continual exercise of trust and pursuit.
For the last 6 months that has been a huge lesson in my life and again, God is faithful. He is persistent.
God gave me a car. With the gift of this serving tool it adds even more responsibility to what He continues to guide me forward to pursue. This includes:
1.Bringing Glory to God: Whether it is in the prep process or in the performance.
2. Trusting Him: Being reminded of His sovereignty.
3.King and Kingdom: Identifying God as my King, my Savior and what it means to pursue the guiding in building the Kingdom of God.
4. Father and Family: Knowing that He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and that He is my God, My Dad and that I have the ability to try to love others as He loves me.
5. The Nations: The opportunity to bring the perspective that I have been learning and sharing it with other people near and far.
Keep trusting...
-Keep Adventuring
Want to hop on my Monthly Stellar Support Team?
Check it out Here!
No comments:
Post a Comment