God Bless my Underwear

As we venture around these trails, laugh out loud, tumble, stumble and wreck hardcore, nature seems to speak comfort to us as we continue to shred tread and head to bed...

This week has been exhausting to say the least. After my month and a half of recoup from the last three years of student/camp life, I find myself both loving the way I feel and hating the way I feel. I love the way I can just fall asleep and really be out cold. I enjoy knowing that the little ones are getting tired out by me and myself by them, with our daily adventures. I hate how my mind wanders to wanting sleep and zoning out while riding the lift playing "A my name is..." Along with counting the hours at times until I can go home and take a hot shower. Those thoughts are rather rare compared to the thought that made me laugh loud today... As we cruised down Delaware (a more popular blue square) I wondered to myself what each by-standard on the side of the trail must be thinking, what they will tell their families when they saw this little purple jacket, pink face masked, speckled helmeted, cruisin little ball of sass belting out "God bless my Underwear! My only pair!  I adore them! But I tore them! On the seat of my old rocking chair!" (in the musical sing-a-long selection of "God Bless America").

Or another thought of how much I love it when a 7 year old little woman who is as tall as my hip but can get lower than low in a carve that could make Ted Ligity say DAAAANG, with a powder blue helmet and hot pink goggles, beat boxing as we dance at the top of West Slope.

Getting blown away on the coldest of days. Chatting and joking while waiting for the feeling to come back into our cheeks and little fingers. Hot chocolate drinking fools who love, love, LOVE building snow castles and even after sprawling out across a trail after an epic wipe out, seeing their smiling giggling faces after racing to check on them, their words are usually as follows..." That...was...AWESOME!!!"

These little buggers teach me more than they know. And I am blessed. Sitting after a long but stellar day of skiing, I continue to wonder how I am so incredibly blessed and brought to these situations in my life and why? Why should I be the one who gets to have all the fun? The laughs, the jokes, the smiles, the love?

I don't know but I pray that He keeps pouring out of me, what I see pouring out of them.

Frozen Precipitation

I Skied the morning away in the bitter wind. All while tucking down straight aways with bits of majestic flakes finding temporary hiding places in goggles and boots. Admiring the snow globe in which I was so blessed to be in, good company and enjoying one of the many things I love about seasons, conversation. Topics floating from subject to subject in between floating to destinations.

Skiing is probably my all time favorite sport besides running along with countless others. There is something specific about alpine that just moves me in so many directions of thought, motion and heart. However it's not the snow, though it is beautiful. It is not the gear, or the slang talk of riding some wicked "pow pow" (if that's what you could even call it on the East coast). It's not finding loop holes to be able to ski for free or putting warm "comfy" boots on after they've spent a night in the hot room. I love this sport so much because of the people who share the passion with me. Gravity, force, adrenaline, spirit, body, breathe. These are just a few things people can relate to. To be sitting on a lift with people who get that same amazing feeling, that spiritual uplifting from playing in the Lords creation, fully being apart of its raw beauty, I get chills even though I left the mountain hours ago. There is something so unexplainable about standing at the very top of that trail, looking out over so many different things, feeling the cold air on your lips as your breathe in winter at it's finest. While massive flakes that you fall in love with all over again as they brush against your exposed rosy cheeks and nose. Hearing your own heart beat as the deafening sound of bliss and silence enters your ears in the midst of impacting skis to snow letting your toes lead the way.
I know there are many who understand and many who will one day understand. It is another home for me. With family to whom you can relate on many different levels. Appreciating the little things like the squeaks in the snow and smiling eyes behind tinted lenses. The feel of the carve and knees scrapping corduroy (those rare moments).  There are many things in the midst of this community that I have learned, experienced, loved, hated, laughed, cried, lost, found and just simply been blessed to have encountered.

I am finding that the more passion you have for the things that surround you, by truly enthralling yourself in the seasons you are given, you gain a lot more than you realize...You learn to embrace so much more than you can imagine during this short stay.


So I came home today to realize I was in the mood to clean...I'm telling you, I was a cleaning machine! I've found that when I am home my room is a disaster zone, when I'm not home I am usually an extremely neat person. Clothes folded, dirty laundry where it should be, vacuumed, swept, and organized. My room has been a war zone lately. Christmas gifts scattered and wrapping paper battling book shelves with a lamp post being used as a lovely coat rack. As I continued reading 12 Extraordinary Women, I suddenly had the erge to go crazy. I finished the paragraph, and headed straight to my room and began to sort. I got rid of so much stuff vacuumed the ever loving heck out of that carpet and threw a load into the washing machine. It was crazy how much stuff I had gone through and how much I still could go through...Since then I have lost my ambition.

While I was cleaning though, between ripping up old bank statements and super old receipts that you couldn't even read they were so old, I found this list of rather interesting facts...Apparently when I had worked at Kohls (yes...yes I did) I found out some really random information from who knows where, but just happened to stumble upon it 4 years later! Yikes

"Things They Don't Teach you in School":
1. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
2. The longest syllable word in the English language is, "Screeched".
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
5.There are more chickens than people in the world.
6. An Ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
7. No words in the english language rhyme with: month, orange, silver, or purple. (Sorry Barney)
8. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
9. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
10. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
11. A Polar Bear actually has black skin, and clear fur.
12. More people are killed by Donkeys than in plane crashes each year.
13. Shakespeare invented over 1700 words used in the English language.
14. No president of the United States was an only child. (Is Obama?)
15. The average Chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
16. Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food from freezing.
17. A ducks quack does not make an echo.
18. Woman nearly blink twice as much as men.
19. A cockroach can live nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Sick!)
20. A snail can sleep for 3 years...(How do you even know?...Was he snoring?)

The random things you find amongst old memories...

"We should enjoy here while we're here...'cause there's no here, there!"


ooooo!!! Touche my friend...touche!

Hearts on Sloppy Sleaves.

I am a nut case...simply said. Emotionally I have been completely all over the place! As I left lunch today, driving away with what felt like an empty heart. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of my heart and my brain yearning for it to be different. I am tired of the way things were. I am just tired. When I'm tired I enjoy listening to music that fits my mood. Roaming from Ben Harper's Forever to Jack Johnson's Home, I contemplated crying at how crazy this phase has gotten me or to laugh because it's all just a bit absurd with hearts on sloppy sleeves mixed with tree house paint and grass stains...I am in a whirlwind of life, and there's nothing stopping it.

As I left the bank, I looked into my rear view mirror to see a very fragile woman who I had helped open the door for at the bank only 10 minutes earlier. One car stopped to let her pass. She waved with her over sized knit royal blue mittens with a huge smile, thanking the driver so kindly. She looked around the car to see what other cars were coming and who else would stop for her. As the next one did she also waved with her massive mittens as she scuffled her little legs across the rest of the intersection. I don't know why...but I began to cry. It could have been the fact that Kim Walker's How He Loves us was playing on my ipod, but I lost it. She was so gracious, so thankful and had such a beautiful smile on her face from the moment we met eyes till after I drove away. I'm sure she's still wearing that smile as I'm letting my thoughts flow through my finger tips to type this right now...as we speak.

It's been the little things lately. Commercials that are less than 10 seconds long get me teary eyed. Like that payless commercial where the girls running in slow motion and tackles a guy who's getting out of a cab... He came home from the armed forces....watching Finding Nemo!! Common! ....I am a hot mess......

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns
violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...
He loves us,
whoa, how He loves us

The past is the past...
Forgiveness is forgiveness...




"My heart stumbles on things I don't know,
My weakness I feel I must finally show"

Gray Days.

My feet and hands are cold today. As I think about this I remember something being said that because my feet and hands are cold, it means all of the blood that should be rushing through them is rushing through my heart with love. I'd like to believe this. My heart has been aching all day. My indecisive mind and things I should do. My mind and thoughts have been getting the best of me. It's a very odd thing really.

Should I...Shouldn't I? I feel as though I don't have any ambition. I want to enjoy it all but there's a rather big part who would rather just stay hidden and not venture and discover today. There are many things that I have taken in and things that I have let go in my time of being here. I feel more disconnected than ever this afternoon from myself and everything around me. And yet, I wish to do nothing but warm my hands and feet. I believe that my toes are icicles... My core feels as though there is an ice cube in the pit of my stomach that wont melt. and currently the things around me are frozen and asleep.  I have noticed in the midst of all this cheer, my disliking of cold weather and windy moments...

But this book. This book sitting beside me. It's so hard to explain. The words, they certainly don't come from my perspective. Raining down on me like a summer days shower. Sun shining through the darkest of clouds, seeking comfort and refreshment. As cold as it is, it is a reminder of being able to feel. Not only the sunshine, but the rain. To not only feel the nip of Jack frost but truly feel the bite of this life and how raw it really can be at times. All while still wondering why signs on roads say "bridge may be icy" even on the hottest day of summer. 

I must strip these complex layers to feel bare and vulnerable. To fall and know that I am not invincible...again.

....Joshua 1:8-9....


 Heavenly Father: I believe that your grace is more powerful than my label. I believe Christ died to pay for the sin my label represents. I believe that you've offered me a new label: "forgiven, accepted and loved." Teach me to live my life in accordance with who you say I am.

Sunday

A way to describe my Sunday... Not only was the sun shinning, not only did I get to rejoice in worship with strangers at church, not only did I get to go for a run this evening surrounded by dazzling lights... Today I got to hang out with a good friend making Christmas cookies whose Mother also happens to have been my 1st grade teacher. So indeed it was an awesome day being 24 years old and getting to sit down in community and chat with my 1st grade teacher. How many people can say that?!

I am so truly blessed to have such wonderful community flow into my life. Prayers are answered for sure and I am so thankful for all of it.

...My lungs feel good today.

Sunny walks and Old Women

I took a walk this morning and it was so warm out! Well... compared to the weather we've had lately it felt tropical. Stepping out into the sunny 34 degree late morning, I headed off to the post office again where I was mailing a few more things a long for friends/ family. As I walked in I noticed a big line...I didn't mind at all. the sun was shinning and everything just seemed delightful. So I stood in line and I saw this old fragile woman. She was so adorable with her old Christmas sweater and her wonderful gray knit hat, while looking at various packing material. Her daughter, I presume was calling to her to come back in line... in Russian. So she scuffled over and held onto her daughters arm and they chatted and giggled. It was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't help but smile, nor could my heart. Many people know that I adore old people. I really do, I love them. I believe that a lot of old people don't even realize how cute they are.... But, they are.

As I walked back to the house through town, the streets were busy with people in their cars venturing out into the chaos that is Christmas shopping. People moving and singing in their cars to the music on the radio. So nice. As I turned a corner and started walking down through the neighbor hood, I looked at the lights on the bushes and trees. I wondered how some people got their lights on some of these trees because when they aren't lit they look like an absolute mess... Thinking about it as I walked, I thought about how a lot of peoples lives can be like that, all tangled and twisted, including mine. When you look at a tree with a bunch of lights all over it, everything just blends together. It could be extremely hard to figure out how to take those lights off if you didn't put them up yourself, if it wasn't your tree. However, you know your own roots better than others. But looking at that massive ball of tangles cords and branches, wrapping around and knotting in various places, it's interesting to see how tangled we all feel until our light shows. How crazy chaotic our lives can be until we see the complete beauty shine through later on, making us realize why we wrestled with those branches and un tangling the knots to begin with.

The hard work certainly paid off... Don't you agree?

Hustlin

With in the next two weeks I don't believe I have fully wrapped my head around how busy/merry/joyous/exhausting/fulfilling things that are soon to come. Tis the season that has quickly approached and with each passing day it becomes more and more exciting. Friends and family coming home, wrapping paper noises from behind closed doors. Kids out and about with their Rents seeming a bit antsy as the days will soon dwindle to numbers that fit on one hand.

But it's greater than that and I am so thankful more than ever to see more than ever what a true celebration it really is. Possibly party hats and noise makers should be on the list too...Birthday cake perhaps?

...mmmmm cake.

Socializing Hermits.

My legs are FREEZING! I just went for a walk up to the post office to drop off a letter to a friend and decided to take the longer way back. It was just beginning to get dark out when I left so it was a wonderful time as I walked past houses as their Christmas lights came bursting into the new born evening.

It is 10 days until Christmas...WHOA... 10 days? wait that means there are (putting up my fingers to count...even though I'm typing?) 16 DAYS! left to this year?...I could have sworn 2010 just started, what, just a couple of months ago...say 11 give or take a few days? How can this be? It has for sure been a year. And an incredible one indeed! I don't believe I have yet encountered a year such as this one. But I can't say that anymore now can I?

Me, me, me...I,I,I...My, my, my...Do YOU think it's strange that blogs even exist? I was trying to explain the concept of a blog to my mom the other night and she just doesn't seem to fully grasp the idea. It was a very random occurance actually, out of the blue she asked me what a blog was so I told her and she went on to ask me some other questions but she told me she was asking because Brian Williams on NBC always says, "You can check out more stories on my blog" and she never understood why he said it.

Our generation are the true elders of the booming technology period in which we now live. Ready for a throw back? "Back in my day!" I can recall not every house hold having a computer. I can recall my Dad getting his first pager. When you had to purchase tapes for your answering machines, Original neon colors in all their glory and cartoons being legit cartoons, animated and talented artists who truly enjoyed what they did instead of just trying to make a buck!

Yep now instead of a diary or a journal that you write with paper you can Blog it up all you want! Put yourself out there for everyone to see. Welp folks, I'm not building this all up to say that I'm quitting the blogging world along with facebook, no, I'm just stating that we strive to know so much about eachothers lives. Clicking here, Scrolling there, Don't you find it a bit silly that we say, "Oh I saw on your facebook the other day that you were doing this" or "reading that". Yes very true, we don't always talk to everyone and it's nice to update everyone. Don't you find it slightly strange how you can't hear anything? We are all soooooo loud and sooo talkative...and yet no one makes a single peep... We communicate, but not how we were created to. We say we use our voices...but our voices can't be heard amongst the abbrev's, and text tones. We say we want to make an impact, but what good can typing down your voice be, when you can just delete it?We spend so much quality time with eachother and talk through the internet, and texting more than we actually use that same phone to talk into...How strange is that? I'm sure many people could say that if they could trade in their talk minutes for text messages, they would.

Over these last couple of months I have come to a realization that each new gadget that comes out creating quicker, faster, highspeed communication, is slowly regressing society. If you think about it we used to socialize in person, but now we can socialize...online... Many extroverts are actually if you can think about it from a different stand point, becoming introverts...Does that make sense? Perhaps with everything else that is being created in this rapid moving world, there will be a new word invented for hermits who love to socialize. We want private lives except for everything we put on facebook and other social networks that compete, compete, compete. Update, update, update. So intense.

I enjoy reading peoples blogs I also at times, enjoy, writing one. If I didn't, I don't think I would continue. But like I've mentioned so many times, it's a pretty neat place to move words around to try and create how selected thoughts may feel in the naked eye. Being interpreted and translated. Most thoughts, if you can imagine, actually stay and will continue to stay unheard and unseen.
...But that's just me.

...

...I want to read more C.S. Lewis...

...I want to read a lot more in general...

...Consider it done.

Mocks and a Fleece Lined hat!

While the weather had cats and dogs splattering on my windshield yesterday...the current temperature for tonight is 13 degrees...how ever the weather channel claims it "feels like" -3 degrees.... Welcome to NEPA.

"Whether the weather be fine
or whether the weather be not.
Whether the weather be cold
or Whether the weather be hot.
We'll weather the weather, whatever the weather,
whether we like it or not."

I'm must say I'm looking forward to wearing my mocks, track pants, track hoodie and my fleece lined Elk Mountain hat to settle in and catch some Z's tonight... My Mom loves reminding me of the times she would wake up and see her breathe when she was little... Us Middletons' like to suck it up... I might add that I will indeed have my fan on tonight too!...There's something about getting out of bed at 3:47am to clumsily find the bathroom then sprint back to that cozy warm spot in your bed.

I love Winter!

Fickle Weather.

I have been extremely quiet yet again today... It's not a bad thing, honestly. However in the midst of my reading and writing, I have been becoming more and more overwhelmed with compassion and heart ache of how much I want to understand it all more deeply than ever. As I sat in church this morning next to my dear friend, listening to what was being said. How Ruth lost so much of everything and still seeked refuge in the Lord. That is what we need. to be saved. Everyday. It was clearly spoken to me again this morning, that sometimes the strongest prayer can be asking for help, breaking down and being the most vulnerable. Being vulnerable and ditching our pride...We're only human. I will be the first to admit it. But the truth is I can't do this on my own.... And why would I want to? At times we forget what we cannot see. If you would just open your eyes you can see that it is written in each snow flake, or a Broadleys Flat Lizard

I have been missing some family members lately. Brothers and Sisters who move my heart every time I think of them and their amazing souls. You conveniently wander into my head at the best times. Helping remind me that though we will meet again, sooner than we can imagine, my time is meant to be spent here right now. I have struggled with that recently. Things are certainly different than they were before. But it has been a promising different. Again I know I can't do this on my own, and I have been digging deep to let go of my pride, my fears, my doubts, and my walls. I felt overwhelmed a month ago being surrounded by so much new. It continues here and even being in my own home town, everyday is a new blast of growth and understanding the lessons that are being taught.

The Parable of the Sower
 ¹ That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. ² Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. ³ Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ Whoever has ears, let them hear.” Matthew 13: 1-9


As I read this passage tonight, Christine St.Hilaire (Block) came into my head. I can recall a moment in my college career when she spoke of this passage. As I read more and more I find my self second guessing myself when it come to interpretations... "The bible is not about me, it is mainly about Jesus." However I noticed how my college years I struggled with where my seeds were. Mentally I had struggled. My mentality was choked out, or withered. Now looking back on it, and reading that passage tonight, I have been so blind. Seeing it now from this perspective I am beginning to understand more. And I am thirsty for more. Thinking about Christine and how she has been with me from the very beginning of this journey, it has made me realize who else has been there and who has recently appeared and I feel will continue to be on my "Home Team" for quite some long time. I am so thankful. My seeds are deeper now in more fertile ground than I have ever had. However, the weather has been fickle and I must continue to proceed with caution, being sure to nurture and tend to any weeds. Even then I need to be extremely careful. Yes, weeds shouldn't be there, just like in "Parable of the Wheat and Weeds".

It has been so interesting. I am not so much surprised as much as I am more calm about things I just don't understand. To see that a lot of things I didn't understand I understand why, now. However there are plenty of things I will not understand for a very long time... or ever, for that matter. But that's just one of the countless reasons why this is all so incredible. This is why He has continued to rip open my heart and open my eyes. We can't understand everything. And I'm all about it.

Very interesting things...

Unexplainable

I go through phases. At times I love taking photographs. And at times I love creating a mental memory of exactly how I saw it..Something a photo can't always capture. However some photographs create that amazing portrait of the inner and outer beauty of everything amazing.

I can not tell a lie... I have been on and off facebook very rarely for the last couple of weeks and I plan on staying that way until the new year. It has indeed been nice. But it has also been hard. I went on a little over a week ago to find an email  address and I found that my friends in South Africa had written me! It was very exciting, because I was overflowing with wonder of what they were up to and if they were ok. If I hadn't gone on I wouldn't have been able to write them back or even see that they had gotten in touch with me. So wonderful to hear from them!

I went on this morning to spy around on updates and noticed Jennifer Spears had updated her profile picture and her status only 2 hours before...I clicked on her picture and was instantly brought to tears. Some pictures just hit you right in the heart... What a true raw love that was pouring out of this photograph. So beautiful...So real. Words can not describe what an awesome photograph this is. How much of an impact it has on a single human heart....Miss Jennifer it is written in your eyes, the amazing work that has been done. And the incredible love that is raining down on you and that little sister in which you hold.

Photographs are incredible. When you capture small glances of our Awesome Creator, you can't help but feel so joyful... It can be unexplainable many a times...You'll just need to see if for yourself...

C. 2010

Bubbly Lights

I walked out my front door tonight to see that my neighbor finished putting up her Christmas lights. As I walked down the front walk, even in the bitter cold, I felt so warm. With a smile on my face, I decided that bubbly big lights are the best kind of Christmas lights.

They always take me back to when I lived in that little blue house, each winter whether there was snow on the ground or not (usually the weather predictions were more simple back then) My Dad would always get out those bubbly lights and string them upon the massive pine tree at the top of our drive way. It stood next to another pine tree that was directly next to it, but we always only put lights on the one. I never understood why. My brother and my Dad would wrestle with those lights all afternoon...Then when the sun went down we all held our breathe as the plug went in to that little blue house...As the colors hit my face and sparkled off my eyes, I can remember the same feeling that I felt tonight. Filling me up, causing my heart to giggle.

Tis the season...

Twinkly Lights and Childhood

My mind is not here nor there but somewhere in between.  I have had songs tickling my brain, all while trying to comprehend the blessings that have been my life. So much has happened in such a small amount of time. At times it is greatly overwhelming. All while I sit here, in the midst of it all wondering where I have come from to be sitting here... talking to you. I haven't a clue who I'm talking to. Sometimes I feel like this entire thing is a bit silly. I mean, why? Why type your thoughts only to critique yourself for how terribly worded you've made your thoughts to be? And yet I enjoy it. Perhaps it's because I enjoy the challenge of trying to express these collections in my head. I feel at times there are no combination of words to describe them though...

I put little twinkly lights up in the cold air today...Smiling at the thought of how easy we can be to forget what we have learned and how impatience can get the best of us, which caused me to realized these days have been moving much more slowly than before. And yet it's already dark out. How did this happen?

In recent events I had mentioned music and how much I love it. New stuff old stuff and everything in between. I have my spot on the couch while my Mom sits in the chair next to me with a big quilt on her feet while we watch T.V. While we chat and I work on various projects, a commercial always catches our attention. Such beautiful music and then this voice. It catches us so off guard. So I decided to search it today. And found that from this commercial, an artist by the name of Joanna Newsom. It's such an odd song, yet it gives you such an interesting feeling of childhood wonder and discovery. Simple and blunt, yet brilliantly imagined.

I want to write more yet... there are things I would rather not type....

Flurries and Foot Paths

As the snow lightly fell through the cemetery and the breathe that left this blessed body froze and fell, I ran. feeling rhythm, I rounded the corner as I read each head stone saying a prayer under every other deep breathe. I wonder what these people would say if they were above the ground. I wonder who they would talk to. I use my legs to carry myself through this hotel of eternal rest.

I've always wondered why we put the tents we shed in the ground. How odd it is to talk to a head stone. Yet I do it all the time. I often say hello to stones as I slowly move my way up and down hills, on and off various paths. My friend Janet is buried here. I talk to her. It's been six years. "I'm beginning to forget the details of her face", I think to myself . Cresting the next hill, I run by a tenderly old man who frailly  gets down on his knee and kisses the head stone of his beloved wife... I take in a deep breathe.... and let it go.

There's so much of this world we don't understand. So much that we discover everyday. Today in this quiet cold, humble afternoon I rediscovered love. It makes my heart ache. It's not a bad thing though. It's real. Love is so intense, at times it hurts. It's bold. It can shine through the darkest of valley's. Emotions often try to imitate it. But like joy, it can't be copied, plagiarized, or manufactured. We as beings, at times, misinterpret it.

Love is real and there are so many places my heart...my soul, continues to feel it. How incredibly blessed to be able to love and be loved.

As the snow lightly falls, while the cold air hits my lips. I move my face towards the sky and smile.
Thanks so much for this continued journey with seasons and discovery. Thanks so much for what you show me and what you show through me. I am but a blank book with only a few pages written upon my heart. I know you will continue to write and make your work come alive in me just like a pop up book with color and dimension. Bursting with life and purpose. A teaching tool. A growing tool.
Blessed is this life.

Home

Today it happened.
While driving on a back country road.
While seeing the snow fall.
While feeling the sunshine through the clouds.
While saying a little prayer.

As the smell crept into my nostrils, waltzing with my olfactory sense. As it slid up into my brain and down through my relaxed lungs. As it filled me up inside to the very brim.

Chimney smoke from a distant house up on the hill.
The hill that is so firmiliar.
The hill that has experienced so much.
The hill that has taught so much.
The hill where we have grown older.
The hill where love has grown deeper.
The hill that I call home.

...It's finally winter. And I am excited.

In Love...Not in Like.

You enjoy music, right? You have your music library that you have built over the years and you might discover something new all the time or you might take new in dosages. Can you riddle me this though?
Between the music that you've listened to for years, the music you recently discovered. Amongst play lists and most recently played, can you actually come up with a list of songs you could honestly put onto one CD and listen to on a desert island for the rest of your life? Music... Songs that you could honestly admit you could listen to and with out fail have it give you that same incredible feeling or a rush from the heart, a calming of the mind or just a really good laugh? Music that you don't get sick of after you've played it into the ground because you like it so much. No ladies and gentlemen I'm talking about being in love...Not in like.

As I was driving the other day, I noticed that my Ipod is always on the "recently played" playlist. Often I skip over songs while I listen to a few new ones (Itunes got the best of me 2 weeks back). Then while I was skipping, skipping, skipping...I heard it... The heart tugging acoustic guitar  building momentum to a cymbal and a crash with electricity into the intro of Coldplays', Yellow. This song which if you haven't heard it before, you can very well take a moment and go check it out straight away....Coldplay, Yellow...I can wait. Honestly.

This song with out fail I could listen to and not get sick of. I don't believe I have ever skipped over this song. I feel that jump in my being, that aching of love and fidelity. I can easily recall the first time I heard it on the radio in 7th grade. Instantly falling in love with the music and the language of the way each note and lyric danced into one another. How I so terribly wanted someone to sing to me the way Chris Martin pours his heart out in stating he would literally bleed himself dry for for the one he's singing for. That was the first time I had ever purchased a CD based on a single song that I knew the rest of it was going to be SUPERB. And well it was. It also introduced me to the world that is Coldplay. That world is EPIC. Each album recreated and invented that feeling. The only way I can truly describe it is ELECTRIFYING. Two of my bucket list items were to see No Doubt in concert and Coldplay in concert. Check and check...2 summers ago I saw both in concert with in a month of each other... E-P-I-C... Coldplay was such an overwhelmingly worship session for me. So many times I've been running, driving, sitting and have been listening to Coldpaly. Praying, thinking about people, places, yelling the lyrics and just loosing myself in the music and how alive it makes me feel. That concert moved me. Arms in the air, knees buckled, ready and willing to just sing, and praise how great God is for letting me feel this way and how much it moves me. And Coldplay isn't even my favorite band! No doubt is. That was an experience in it's self. However I have to be in the mood to listen to No Doubt.

As I'm looking through my music I see a lot of stuff that I like to listen to often. As of late I had been on a Fray/ Brandi Carlile kick. Whatever moves me. It's like listening to a really good friend talk and converse with things that you have in common. It's like revisiting an old place for a short time and just remembering how incredible that little moment in time was. Or even dreaming to the future possibilities. It's all relative. I love music...and music loves me. So it's all good.

As of right now I can't quite thing of another song to add to that specific list. I'm sure if I heard it, I would know. However I'm not going to sit here and go through every single song. I feel that would be a bit of an overload on love. Could you overload on love?...No, but I'd rather talk about what I've been listening to that's currently on my top 5. Songs that really get me going and that really calm me down. Slow me down and help me look at everything differently.

5. Eddie Vedder- Hard Sun
4. Basia Bulat- Heart of My Own
3. Mumford & Sons- The Cave
2. Matt Costa- The Road
1. Paramore- Looking Up

I wanted to make a longer list...However I somewhat enjoyed narrowing it down to these specific genres. However the list it's self is a lot longer.

Current songs that make me think of specific people?
3. Down With Rowland- Track 5 (Miss Jennifer Spears)
2. Mumford & Sons- Awake my Soul (Miss Ryan Michelle Coury-Scavo)
1. Barry Manilow- Can't Smile (The lovely ladies of Glen Iris)

This rain and wind is killin me, Smalls!

Many the Miles

Ever have those moments where sense of smell triggers a memory?

I was on my run this evening, weaving through the quiet streets when I was running past a church. I stopped dead in my tracks because I smelled a perfume that smelled so much like my second grade teacher, Mrs. Schiffer. The smell was so strong I though she was standing right next to me, waiting to check my reading work book and my cursive hand writing that I believe I never really got the hang of. I turned around to look down the dark damp street to see nothing but distant headlights and a few flickering street lamps. How strange. a very distinct perfume mixed with mint Double Bubble bubble gum. It threw me right out of my rather awesome pace I was holding. Still really random though.

"In othah nutz!" I enjoyed a wonderful stroll through some open fields this afternoon with Moma Jude. I really enjoy our conversations and plan on finding myself over at her house more often.I don't say this because she feeds me incredible dishes (After all because of her daughter who I spent 2 years living with, quickly threw me out of my picky eating season) but I really enjoy hearing about what God's been doing in other peoples lives no matter what the circumstances.

Which is one of the reasons I have been rather antsy. I so wish I could be a fly on the wall roaming the streets of South Africa, seeing what the team is up to and what they are doing with their days. Who they've met, How the Lord is working through them to reach so many people and see how much Gods glorious love is touching them and so many around them. What an incredible experience .It's currently 3:07 am there...I wonder what they are dreaming about.

Coast to Coast

Today I feel it.
I'm becoming very itchy.
I can feel it coming on...An adventure. As I dropped my mom off this morning at work I looked at the airport terminals in the distance and longed for getting on one of those planes. To go somewhere, anywhere. It's one of those itches that only open roads and a good play list can really scratch (I feel I've read that somewhere before). My car is in California enjoying the fog of the Redwoods...Hopefully a massive branch hasn't fallen on her yet...Hey it could happen and has happened.
 I looked at my calender last night while checking to see what time it was in South Africa and realized that it is only the beginning of my 3rd week home. 6 more weeks...An adventure is long over due. With the rain upon us and no sight of the white stuff anytime soon, it's time I put my feet in motion and do a bit of traveling....But how? Hmmm only time will tell where I'm headed. 

As I woke up this morning from an assortment of very odd dreams one including a friend who claimed her calling was in Canada to backpack...Along with a lot of random waking up and stripping my mocks off because my feet were toasty. Regardless I woke up thinking about a nickname I had been given while in California. By a curly headed kid whom I'm pretty sure knew everything about anything. Wild eyed, heart of gold, Ely. He was about as tall as my hip and had a fiery passion to learn and laugh.

I am terrible when it comes to remembering names. I will be the first to admit it too. I could remember your face till the end of time. Ask me what your name is, donezo. My learning style is visual and tactile learning or repetition.  So when someone tells me their name I often will repeat it both out loud in my head for a while...but will most likely forget again. I think my favorite game to play to learn names (that I can't often do in small groups but still participate in my head) is Names in Motion. You pick a motion or an adjective that describes you. That adjective must also begin with the same letter as your first name. You do the motion and repeat the word with your name.

My first day with Ely in our awesome animal group, the Grizzly's, I came up with "Nimbly-NEPA" as I wiggled around, everyone else repeated after me and we slowly worked our way around the circle. Some kids didn't fully comprehend the concept of picking something with the same first letter as their names or even an adjective. Like Ninja, Reuben... But I still remember him! Elegant Ely was the final in our circle. We quickly moved from our game to our hike underneath the massive giants that shaded our path to help us make awesome discoveries. As we walked up the trail around the corner of a round redwood, Ely came running up to me saying, "Nimbly!! Nimbly!! Look what I found!" As I laughed out loud  he showed me with pride the awesome piece of fungus he had discovered on a dead damp stump. Witches Jelly to be specific. He remembered my name!!...Well something that relates to my name. I corrected him but he called me Nimbly for the rest of the week. I was totally fine with it.

Later that week his Dad being one of the counselors, decided to tag along for our Geology and Stream class for the morning. Turns out Ely knows so much because his Dad knows a lot about Geology. While we went over tectonic plates and how the rock cycle moves, I had the Grizzly's split into their cabin groups with their counselors for a challenge. They must come up with a 30 second skit to explain how the rock cycle works and what it is. GO! As I was walking around from group to group to check on how their ideas were coming along, Ely's Dad came up to me and began to tell me about why Ely knows so much about geology specifically. I wasn't very surprised about why because this man was a rock enthusiast. Enjoying geology to the fullest. Hey good for him to have a great hobby. However, it went far deeper than that. It was a fairly new passion. Not even as old as 10 year old Ely. John, the Dad, began to tell me about how shortly after Ely was born, him and his wife took a trip to Hawaii. They took a hike to to the mouth of a volcano that had been dormant for over 100 years. While they were at the mouth, they heard a tremendous rumble. then an explosion. He explained that in front of them this volcano was errupting and with out gentle warning. Boulder sized pieces of debris were ejecting from the pressures filled belly of this beast and they were witnessing it. As everyone else was trying not to panic and find cover, they began to slide down the outside of the volcano, Looking up John said there was a massive boulder heading straight towards them. There was no way to get out of the way. Then out of nowhere the boulder took another path went a completely different direction mere feet from him and his wife. He looked me square in the eye and told me it was something not of this world. Something or someone glorious.

I had forgotten I was teaching class. I had forgotten I was in California. I had forgotten that anything existed. I had chills while John went on to tell me that through the grace of God him and his wife were still alive to return home to take care of their little boy, their only child whom at the time was only 8 months old. Because of that, Ely's passion for rocks from his Dad makes it all the more incredible. Ely loves when his Dad tells the story. And I'm so joyful for that friendly reminder of how righteous our creator is. How often we sometimes forget when we are so focused on the world itself and only what is right in front of us. That week I taught the kids so much about so many cool things of this earth and with out even asking, learned so much from those kids. Both about the earth and about smiles, laughter and enthusiasm.
I can't ever forget Elegant Ely and his Dad. So I believe I never will.

Pink Walls and Crumbling Streets

I turned the opposite direction this morning as I walked right around the corner of my street instead of left to take me the normal route through the park down to Northern Light. Instantly I was greeted by colors of red, purple, vibrant green, white and a deep blue. As I saw the woman gardening I smiled. I told her it looked beautiful she replied with a smile, "you know sometimes you just need to add some more color to the seasons". How true neighbor, how true. I bid her a good afternoon and continued my stroll.

As I descended down the hill while listening to some good John Mayer, Wheel, I thought about what that woman had said. I am noticing so much color to these seasons. Though a lot of the natural life is headed to bed for the preparation of the incoming gentle yet tremendously overwhelming blankets of snow that will soon be welcomed with excited rosy cheeks and mittens. oooooooo, mittens they are one of the best inventions of all time. In past seasons here on the east coast I have remembered so many holiday seasons of seeing the seasons change and seeing how so much changes but no matter what, that first flurry or that first actual blanket the same feeling always seems to generate and grow in the deepest part of your rib cage, causing you to smile and sigh. I can recall last Christmas eve after returning from church, walking up the front walk as it began to snow heavy flakes. while looking up the street to see three little sisters in their night gowns laughing and running down their own walk across the street to put out "reindeer food" for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph. So excited for what the morning would bring.

Noticing color in seasons. There are so many different colors that can be produced. Personalities, journeys, people, situations, thoughts, questions. So many of these things create so many different colors and tastes to each season that passes. My friends have brought so much color to my seasons recently. Some are more relaxed more quiet. Like flowers in a garden we have rare pink lady-slippers and relaxed lavender. Gerber Daisy's and brilliant partridge berry mixed with sturdy sunflowers. All creating such a wonderful full feeling of joy and beauty. Full fertile communities with such a wonderfully warm reminder that Gods creations are so incredibly well designed and placed in such amazing areas to show us how amazing it all really is...Life, how divine.

Walking down this completely different street, a street that again I have driven down so many times. There are so many closed buildings. So much abandonment and so much decay. Pink walls and crumbling streets. Yet having its own unique beauty blooming. I saw a tire swing on a corner hanging from a beautiful tree in the front yard of an elegant home to which then I wondered, who's been on it? Even in the heart of a city like this one, it's nice to see not everyone takes life so seriously.

Goosebumps are the norm these days.

After thinking about how far off topic my mind had been getting to then completely going off my rocker in reaction to an unfolding of events, I realized I had never actually finished my thoughts on being a "Little One" in a place that seemed so huge. Growing up in a light blue house with what seemed like the great open fields of Switzerland... Yes you can totally sing "The hills are a live", if that helps you put in a better picture of how I felt being 3'3and 1/4". Running around in a blue bathing suite with awesome multi-color buttons down the front in the summer climbing on everything I could reach. In the winter I can remember sledding and sweating trying to get up what were massive mounds and drifts. Being thrown off to be pinned by snow leaving me breathless yet content. I can also recall a trip to the emergency room where I had my little face x-rayed because the glorious feeling of thinking I was a penguin and then tripping and loosing my other front tooth from face meeting an ice puddle while gliding along.

Would you believe that after that I didn't have two front teeth for 4 years...4 years! I have 4 school pictures, one with an awesome pink turtle neck where I didn't have my corn chompers. Yeah imagine that awesome face digging into an ear without the those two crucial components.
In my white red and green flannel night gown (yes, super stylish and crazy comfortable with a great bow.)with a muffle and a whistle of a song at the top of my little lungs singing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"...4 years.

and just like that I can recall fast forwarding to the days of wandering into the coolest natural store in the mall being mesmerized by all the little awesome trinkets and toys. Rain sticks, goo in a cup, crazy glasses, optical illusions and edible bubbles, Grape flavor, they were pretty stellar. We always looked but never actually purchased. That place was so neat!

Living in that sky blue house wracking leaves and jumping in them. Climbing to the very top of the orange, yellow and brown mountain. My knight in shinning armor giving me a boost into the heart of the cave, where I found Peter, the greatest dog, my favorite miniature companion.
October skys with pumpkin leaf bags looking at us as we look out the kitchen windows in the distance while I am standing on a chair with a floral seat cover scooping goo out of the brain of a brilliantly large pumpkin.
Hey why do pumpkins always have such silly smiles on their faces?...You'd have a goofy smile too if someone scooped your brains out!"
Lighting them and heading out for the 4th year in a row of being a Big bird or a Vampire or a Ninja. Stealing my brothers candy because he always had better stuff then me. Why does that always seem to be the case? Brothers always seem to have the cool stuff. An abundance of Peanut butter cups. So unfair.

Climbing gracefully (in my head) to grab the key on top of the massive cupboard that my mom keeps all her trinkets on that I continue to fall into a deep interest with. Pulling out my uncles extremely old glasses out of the very small very old very authentic vintage dark brown leather case with a snap. Putting them on and pretending I was some ticket clerk selling movie tickets on a oriental rug, in my cardboard box. Along with many other characters I recall. A news anchor, Huckleberry Finn, a paper boy, Peter Pan...I was a huge Tom boy... is it obvious or is it just me?
My best childhood friend, Marian, and I would go off and climb trees, build forts for hours and build rafts. Hike for what seemed like forever but never completely out of ear shot for late afternoon snacks.

So many places have been explored and so many dreams have been made. So many ambitions and so many desires to be someone. To create, embark and adventure. These stories could easily continue into the tiny hours of the morning, However I think I will save more of these wandering memories for another time.

I have always admired people. Characters, both real and imaginary. I enjoy the thought of taking a piece of them and taking it with me. To bring them with me and show others through my own interpretation, my own memory of how great amazing influences can be. Each of these Characters or influences are why I am the way that I am. Why I act the way that I do and why I continue to grow and adapt. At times I wonder if it is a good thing or something to not be so proud of because It's not entirely me. But who am I? How can you be completely you with out really taking form of someone else or taking bits of many and creating your own out of it?

In this current whirlwind of seasons I find that one of my influences I strive above anyone else to be like. My man Jesus. If there's anything that I would want to be like it's him. Selfless and real. learning him and all that surround him better to create an impact so large at times it is mentally unbearable because it is just so amazing. Serving through Him and my Father so far have been great "carry-ons" of an impression I want to leave.
I am excited to venture more and get my hands dirty, get my knees muddy while listening and learning more about this amazing influence and relationship I am building.

To explore the very depths of his resurrection...
...Goosebumps are the norm these days.

Word Regurgitation

My feet have been hitting these streets, these streets of Scranton where I thought I knew my way so well. Yet I have only just begun to discover how much I really don't know about this place. With this new untamed schedule of mine I'm finding that my brain is still adjusting to the new found freedom of retired student status. Scranton, a place so many people I have met, know of, yet know as much as I do. I've lived around this city for as long as I can remember. Driving down the streets that have since been painted with green lines from the celebrations of St. Patty's day. Stopping at little shops that have created my love for cute crafty trinkets. Which brings me to another memory.(this entry may just take me where ever on a memory marathon.) My Mom had this amazing trinket cupboard in our living room back when I lived on North Abington Rd, in the rolling that connected Clarks Summit, Clarks Green and Waverly.....

Hold the phone this entry is about to get extremely ADHD

My Mom the just picked up the mail and handed it to me. Suddenly my reminiscent mood of remembering simple times has been completely shattered with a sickening yank from the back of my belly button. Loans. $39,995 worth of payments for the next 20+ years of my life. Another life time. Though I can't currently breathe because I am so knocked out of the reminder of this material thing in which I do not hold any of it, I am thankful that I was not blessed with the mind to become a doctor. However those of you who have been, I am extremely happy that you will be able to withstand the pressure that is of this world with everything that comes with it. I give you many thanks for what you are enthralling yourselves in and what you will truthfully accomplish with passing days.
My debt at times overwhelms me. Yes it is official, I am overwhelmed. Speaking with loan agentcies and figuring out how my interest rates wont go up while I'm working in the woods for practically nothing, while I imagine these people in cubicals and ties looking at my every move to try and catch me not doing a good enough job at getting a salary based job to pay back the education in which I indebted myself before I completely understood the end result of college. While at the same time it all makes me all the more excited about where I am in my life.

I work in the Redwood Forest, teaching kids about the incredible environment that has been created by an amazing creator. I walked away from Penn State with indeed a $40,000 piece of paper that now sits on the coffee table in a white envelope collecting dust. Yes I am somewhat doing what I am "qualified" to do. (let me get back on subject) I left Penn State with no real plan or understanding in mind what I would be doing further down this road, this beaten path. All I knew was that I was returning to Cayuga for another summer. After August 18th, who knew? Only God. Was I worried though? No, actually i felt extremely calm about it. Which to my surprise made people feel somewhat uneasy around me. Friends applying, applying, applying. For jobs. anything to get them to where they wanted to be. The only thing I wanted was to be out of Scranton for a while. Even then I didn't really know what I wanted. I didn't do a whole lot to help the situation with my vary laid back "whatever happens happens" attitude. At the same time though it was causing me to feel a live. To see for the first time that I didn't have anything planned out for myself and I would just go where ever I was led. So when the 18th of August came about I had already been antsy to get going 2 weeks prior. I sat in the Boarders Cafe where I had hung out years past before making many of my adventures of growing a little bit older, a little bit wiser. All while seeing familiar faces fade and new faces enter.

Sitting for 3 days I ventured into the the internet and searched with wonder and awe of jobs I had always dreamed of having, out of state, out of country. Out of site out of mind for the first three years of my life because I had other things to focus on. Why? Because I tend to get to into an idea and literally will drop everything to do something if it moves me enough. My mom wouldn't have been very pleased nor would I have been very pleased with the life I would have led after that random non-thought process of an adventure. No applying to random Adventure camps in other countries and seeing what my true potential may hold for these jobs straight our of school gave me a bit of an adrenalin rush. In a single day I had replys to emails and applications with interests of working VISAS and Passports. I knew I wanted to venture outside my comfort zone, but I wasn't sure how far. I stumbled upon a naturalist position on day 3 of my experimental search and applied. I applied with a bit of a tickle in my stomach at the though of anyone actually taking me seriously. What kind of a experienced person could a freshly born adult like me possibly be able to provide to a well oiled machine. Real world? College doesn't really train them like they used to. (At the same time can the real world really prepare us for school or the lifestyle we really want to live?) I recieved an email 2 days later, a phone interview an hour later "and 4 days after that I was in my car driving across the country." It seems that that is always how I end my story. In reality that was only the beginning.

Which brings me to my point after a very long explanation. I didn't know what I was going to do. Yet God provided and in what a loving encouraging way He did. It has made me realize that I do need to trust more and remember that He will provide. one of my testimonies is certainly my trip West. Yes I am scared thinking about Loans. In fact going off and explaining what ive been experiencing has calmed me a lot however that single word can create screaming Chaos of earthquakes in my head to the point where I can feel the rumbles causing my knees to shake. Loans. I just received a letter stating I had a certain amount I didn't know about that is due earlier than the amount I DID know about.I'm in no way a fan of money or the luxuries that come from it. If I could walk on water, I'd be set when it came to my desires of travel and seeking this world and all of its mysterious wonders. However I can walk on water just as much as I can turn water to wine. I am only another human with another stressor about something that is rather small compared to a lot of other things in life.

So there for I pull myself back. I will get through this. Somehow. I have been shown multiple times that I panic too soon and should most likely take another step back after I've already told myself to do so in the first place. To not look so far ahead and see how far away the finish really is but rather take in the detail around me look at each crack on the sidewalks and I wonder up these streets I've driven but never walked before seeing how the higher you go the nicer the homes while you round the corner and only a block below see how different life is with ripped screens and broken windows. Weaving in and out of these loud yet quiet streets of Scranton. A place where I have always lived but never discovered.

Take a breathe, hold it in, feel the breeze of these end of autumn days, and let it go. Where ever you are be all there. And take it in, because it's all beautiful. Even the little meaningless trinkets that are so clever and detailed.

Thinking about all that I just wrote I can only think of my friend, Jamie Zackavitch. I literally just puked on paper. She is someone who I truly admire for having a more healthy/positive form of bulimia. She was famous in college for sitting next to me in classes where during exams I would often feel like I wrote an entire book when I would look over at her to get up and hand my exam in, I would feel rather unaccomplished with the cramp in my right hand because she would still be writing away at a novel. At times I feel she perhaps memorized the entire text of our classes but I admired her knowledge of information regurgitation. Though she would admit that most of it didn't always make sense or mesh the best, I believe that her points were still taken into major consideration and possibly a cure for something whether it be cancer or a blackened heart, she most certainly held a remedy in there. Thanks Jamie, for bringing a smile to my face. For pouring your heart out on exams, in our major and even with your passions. It makes me want to puke on paper more often.
I love it!

Technological Indifference's

Hours...Days...Weeks...Months...

I have become agitated. At first it was because I couldn't make myself get out of bed in the morning because my body is struggling with the time difference of being back on the East Coast. I then quickly became agitated with my thought process. Devotionals...Facebook...Get out of bed...Start my day...Etc... Do you understand my frustration now?

Facebook has become a mind numbing addiction. Yes I like to use it to stay in touch with a lot of people I can't always grab a long chance to say more than 5 words to. It's nice to randomly pop into someones life with a comment or a post. However I have noticed myself becoming OCD-like checking the Home tab to my profile tab back to home back to profile-home-profile-home-profile-home-profile-home-profile-home-profile-home-profile...etc... This all happens in a time span of about 2 minutes. It's disgusting. I think about Facebook first thing in the morning then tell myself "I need to be more disciplined, so I will do my Devo's first then turn on my computer." But yet I'm distracted from the amazing word. Distracted by my lesson for the morning because I feel like a child sitting in class waiting for her day to be over so she can go home and watch her favorite TV show. IT'S NOT GOING TO TEACH YOU ANYTHING!!!! Just to be distracted and slightly amused.

I'm putting my foot down, cutting myself off for a while. It's gotten to the point where I have begun to Idolize and think about facebook. What's new on facebook, Who's posted on my wall, commented on my status, sent me a message, posted new pictures...Self involved, selfish, self conscious, distracted, unaware, weakened and sickeningly lazy.

So therefor I am taking a bit of a break for a while. Not sure how long. However it shall be as long as it takes for me to have a new state of mind about it. Until my head clears of itself and of the distraction that is ("Gosh, that would make an awesome status") a state of unconscious thinking.

I want to learn more about you Lord. Not about how many pictures someone is in with a certain friend. Or How crazy that tailgate was. You Lord, I need you in my life first and for most and I don't want any distractions. I'm closing the blinds. I'm shutting the doors... You have my full attention.

Learning to be still is a skill I have not yet obtained.

Dancing in Line.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through peoples heads while I'm standing around complete strangers listening to the tunes streaming through my ears while waiting to take my shoes and belt off to prevent bells and whistles from ringing...I take that back, I wonder all the time.

As I sat on a bus who's drivers name was John crossing the crystal clear morning over the amazing Golden Gate bridge, I had said my goodbyes earlier which now seems like forever ago. I haven't been in route very long but my mind gets the best of me. watching the landscapes blur by. My eyes feel as though they go cross eyed. Then all of the sudden I'm snapped back into reality from a place I'm not really even sure I was. Realizing that this California sunshine and the rolling hills are all apart of the bigger picture. You'll make yourself sick if you try to focus on everything in front of you all at once. When you move too fast, things blur together. To slow down and take in the detail, to take the time to comprehend everything leading up to where you are. I was sitting on a bus looking at vineyards, and rolling hills. Thinking about roommates, sisterhood, community and the passions I feel for so many things including Tristan Prettymans, Breathe.

I love traveling. I feel like at times I'm the only one who enjoys it. I know that the majority of the people who surround me at least if not anything more get a small thrilling feeling behind their rib cages amidst the jet engines and the nose heading vertical to a new destination.

And so it Goes

Packing always seems to be exciting to me. I can really only remember one time when I can recall feeling terrible about it. Even now looking back on the situation, it was for the better and I'm happy it happened.

Tomorrow three of my housemates will be departing, one being my roommate. I mean it's odd because we'll be returning in January. At the same time though we will be new people. Different than today. This next month and a half will be a huge growth period for all of us. Processing while we are home or in another country. Growing, learning and experiencing all that is around us. In these short 2 months I have become a completely different person. I am both excited and nervous to see what the next 2 months will bring.

I have been worrying a lot lately. I have been feeling very positively influenced by all that is around me and letting it all soak in to me like water to dry sand. Yet I wonder what Pennsylvania will bring. I don't want to fall back into the laziness of the life I grew out of. Like trying to put on a pair of old dance shoes that no longer feel familiar to me because everything is so different now. My eyes are so open. However I don't have a very strong Christian community back home. I do have friends and family that support me, but not like here. Not in the sense of understanding and comfort in conversing the way I do here. To think that before I came out here my thought process about church and worship and devotional time was not a huge part of my life even after I had returned from school as a new born. However now my heart longs for it so badly. Just like it did during CRUX. Those Wednesday nights where I began to fall head over heals and have continued to ever since.
I want to continue this. I want to continue to glorify Him in all that He is. Just like Phillip explained:
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever
separate us from God's love.Neither death nor
life, neither angles nor demons, neither our
fears for today nor our worries about tomor-
row-not even the powers of hell can separate
us from God's love. No power in the sky above
or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all cre-
ation will ever be able to seperate us from the
love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans8:38,39 NLT

Influences from what I've grown out of are things that I no longer aspire to be.

At the same time I am very excited to venture home for a few weeks. I am excited to see good old friends. I'm excited to be in their company and truly listen to them more than I had before. I am excited to smell the crisp air of snow and leaves. I'm excited to feel the warmth of old familiar hugs with warm cheerful voices. I am excited to see myself in these situations and to see how I adapt and how I will bring all of this NEW and BETTER with me. At times I wonder how I'll get it all on the plane. This NEW state of mind. This NEWER overwhelming passion. This NEW life. The BETTER more developed me.
I pray that through all of this new light I have experienced, when things begin to dim, my rhodopsin will continue to be "superior". (That last part was an inside joke. I don't believe in any way shape or form that I am superior to anyone or anything. Just to add that in there.) I don't want to loose sight of what I have been understanding and plan to take away from here.

It will be strange to leave Glen Iris even for a little while. It will be odd to not be surrounded by the community I appreciate so much on a day to day basis. I also know that they are all still there and that this is a chance for me to do some possible gardening of my own.

Traveling is always exciting, destinations known and adventures in the process unknown. How exciting...How blessed.
This life is divine.

Seeing Sparks

Kids are so neat. Everyday I am reminded of how far outside the box we are capable of jumping. The way we think being the ages we are compared to what we thought when we were younger.

We had a field trip to the beach today and the tide was crazy. Even though high tide had passed three hours prior, the water was still very much a live not leaving us a whole lot of room to do the things we had planned...Such as life... We split the kids off and while half of them played a zany game of tug-a-tube, I gave cabins the task of reaching down real deep, I mean so far out there and really reaching to open their minds to create the most amazing most mind blowing sand castle they could imagine.
Things were going great for the first twenty minutes, until we had a sleeper wave come in and rain down on a few castles. "Hey! That's alright! we still have another 20 minutes!". So they began to rebuild and really love what they had created, as did I. The way the shapes moved and flowed into each piece of the bigger picture. The way each person created a new way of building, moving, and shaping the sand beneath their fingers. Delicately carving and moving to the motion of their thoughts and bouncing ideas between one another.
About seven minutes after I had told them to rebuild however a much bigger sleeper wave came in and crashed the party hard core, leaving the dance floor that was open for interpretation, completely motionless. Devastation. As we moved away from the rock wall and moved to dryer ground they only had 10 minutes left to start from scratch. Were they upset? Yes. Did they work through it and dig deeper than before? Absolutely. By the end of it they had all created some of the best Castles/Mountains/Mermaid pools/Octopus/Sea snake-dwelling/Towers I couldn't even wrap my head around.

To give someone some damp sand and an old yogurt container and say, "do something with this", ignites a spark in imaginations that could only be fueled by something amazing, something simple yet so complex...childhood.
Being around young minds mixed with ambition and combinations of wonder and curiosity, I have been realizing that the window to my imagination is rattling with anticipation. To take a step outside the box is just the beginning. It goes deeper than just creating a sand castle or a painting. Think of anything...and take it a step outside the box. Take it a few steps...

why stop? What does it mean to think outside of the box for you these days? What's stopping you?

Growth

The rain hit my nose today, crashing across the bridge, exploding five different directions. Breathing in the California Bay leaf air, I find myself distracted. I am extremely disoriented and thrown off my footing by my emotional instability. At times I must remind myself of where I am and what I am doing. How fickle my mind can be, creating a barrier and building a wall of what the past holds. And how unyielding those memories find a way to strengthen like weeds beneath a foundation creating weak points and finding ways through the cracks of my vulnerable being.

So I've been doing a lot of listening. To other people and to other things. To God. I've been taking in a lot of other things to somewhat distract myself from my own self to focus on better things. However I do realize that sooner or later I must deal with what has always been right in front of me.

Though I've had some frustrations happen this week, it is the things that connect to these other things, that is what frustrates me the most. I'd like to leave it all behind and yet it comes back to haunt me. stirring emotional attachment with severed limbs that have left parts of my heart numb.

A memory: A princess on her great knights shoulders, laughing while walking up the driveway. Light blue house on the right, garden on the left. The knight is stepping through a puddle from the afternoons summer showers and the sun is beginning to set with a breeze. Her little feet move while the knight has her safe in the palms of his hands on her little shins. Pink, orange and blue are the colors she sees above her little brunette head, wearing a single pink beret. A blue polo t-shirt with tan shorts sitting upon a short sleeved blue and white plaid button up with her hands upon her knights head. All while she laughs and twirls. feeling as safe as can be. feeling as free as can be.

It Aint me Babe.

The LORD is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation
He is my God and I will praise him,
my Fathers God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:2

You probably couldn't tell by my hands that I belayed for almost 7 hours straight today. My body would have to agree on the matter. In no point did my mind or body say, "No! I refuse, this is crazy!" Instead my heart and mind rejoiced and happily worked, worked, worked. Today was a bit of an off day. Off days happen on earth more often then we notice and conflicts mixed with a bit of rain, make for sleepy eyes.

However even now being in my warm bed with the fan lazily making the comfort noise I love so much, I am smiling at the thought of what amazing people I work with and how blessed I am to be encouraged by each of them every-single-day. Between getting kids across the ropes course and Challenge course central becoming a common stomping ground for all 6 groups today, each of us contributed so much to helping things flow to the best of the days ability.

As I belayed a student up the redwood tree, I had to squint because of the white-gold sunlight hitting my face. The sun was shinning and the sky was blue after 3 straight days of rain. How awesome that these kids still got to come out here. It makes me think of past field trips that were rained or snowed out. How bummed I was in those old days. To even just provide a day in this amazing fog filled mystical place I am blessed enough to call my office, I was stoked to be able to share these great adventures.

There wasn't a single moment in my day I was tired. There wasn't a moment in my day I feel my heart wasn't smiling because of the souls around me. The Lord is my strength. And the paths that I continue to walk down I have been in the midst of amazing, profound, beautiful,humble company.

I am so, so thankful for that.
Lord thank you for the continued strength and all that you have continued to provide around me.
Amen...Amen

"Juice" ...It's the code word for Help.

As I was laying on the trampoline tonight in my sleeping bag answering a question, I listened to the words coming out of my own mouth flowing like I had known them for years.
This place is home. This place, these times are my comfort. The way that I have been feeling and the things my eyes have seen in this last week, this last month, this last year, have all been overwhelmingly amazing. I find myself walking up a trail or looking a student in the eyes after they've accomplished something incredible in class and just becoming overwhelmed with joy. So much that I almost can't breathe because of how real it feels.

My heart has also broken. When these kids minds get the best of them. When they're fears overwhelm their minds and bodies so much that they can't even hear me speak to them. My heart breaks when they are frustrated and they want to accomplish the task but can't.

I had a student come up to me after morning classes today, Lucas. He has a fear of heights and has been working so hard to try and move past it. We worked together yesterday on the Rope Rocket but he just couldn't push himself off. I could see how badly he wanted it. After yesterdays class I was so emotionally exhausted and broken from these somewhat "failed" attempts. However I'm realizing now that they aren't failed at all. They are triumph and growth. How awesome it is to see a child grow and push themselves further beyond anything they thought they would attempt to accomplish.
When we were on the Leap of Faith today, he climbed half way up and couldn't climb any further to the platform above him. However he tried to jump to the next hold on the tree slipping...trusting that I had him on Belay. I did. I was so proud of him. He went up higher than he even thought he could and that's truly all that matters, that he was up there and he was trusting. As the morning class came to a close I was on belay with a staff member who was climbing down from on top of the leap and the class had gone. It was silent but then I heard little footsteps coming down the path towards me. It was him, Lucas. He stood next to me for a moment while I belayed and then he told me something that blew my heart and mind so close to heaven. He told me that he was happy I was there to talk him through the last couple of days and how much he really did trust me. He told me that he really appreciated how encouraging I had been with him even though he was frustrated with him self and how proud I was of him.
My heart broke when he (a 6th grader) told me that then began to walk away. He didn't have to do it. He didn't need to say it. But because he did, it instantly made my thought "failures" from the week transform into mountain peaks and that incredible feeling of hugging someone you care so deeply about, trying to think of words to describe how blessed you feel to have them be apart of your life, but can't...so you just cry.

Nothing really does label it better than raw emotion.

Birds on Wires

We drove to the airport again. With out a cloud in the sky, warm sun hitting my jeaned knees. My mom points to the birds sitting on a bunch of telephone wires high in the sky above Interstate 81 South. Why do you suppose birds sit so close together while some spread out and need space. Why are there only two birds sitting all the way down there in the right hand corner away from everyone else in this picture I'm recalling in my head.

We ask the question, "Why" a lot. Why this, why that, why you, WHY ME?! This day above anything else I find myself asking that question silently...over...and over...and over again.

To be 2 minutes late to check in my bag to catch a 6:02am Eastern time flight to Chicago and end up completely missing my flight because of 2 lousy minutes, it makes me wonder, "why?"

Why did my alarm not work? Why did my mom not wake me up like she always does for things like this? What made her assume for the first time ever that I was awake? Why did she not have her cell phone on when she dropped me off? Why did I miss my flight even after killing myself to make it through security, unchecked bag and all?...I know someone who knows. I know that whether it involves me or not who knows what would have happened if I had gotten on that flight. Everything didn't want me to get on that flight From waking up late to the very fact that I couldn't locate my boarding pass when I thought it was in my fleece pocket in security.

Who knows? The good Lord does for hes the one who may have just prevented me dieing in a crash, mugging in Chicago. Or even something that has nothing physically to do with me like Jen driving to San Fran to pick me up. Maybe prevented something there. Or someone else I don't even know. Everything connecting in winding passageways and precis connecting of these dots that are far to complicated for the brilliant human mind to wrap our thoughts around.

So this brings me back to something I look at every time I sit down in the bathroom at my house in PA.

The Power of Attitude

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us,
but how we react to what happens; not by what life
brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive
attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts,
events and outcomes. It is a catalyst... a spark that
creates extraordinary results."



I haven't a clue what's in store for me for the rest of the day. However I do know that my bag was checked at 6:30am for my flight that leaves for Detroit at 4:30pm...

County Lines (10/14/10 1am)

Blood rushing through my ears
Engines rush the air with excitement
To remind the wings of the thrill they were born for.
Anticipation keeps my thoughts from resting
tracing the invisible landscapes
Outside my window with my imaginary lines

There are no boundaries, merely just imaginary things that beings like you create. Or I create barriers that I find myself breaking through at all times becoming more and more free with every breathe of a blessed spirit that lives within the deepest part of this once lost soul.

Breathe in
Fell blood
Rush through my heart
Hear it beat
In time with music
Thoughts
Prayers
Joys
Sorrows...I am alive.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (10/13/10 terminal 26 San Fran 9pm)

Now... Flight seems so lazy like GPS taking you the quickest route blindly. Instead of looking around using other senses and skills to get where you want to go. I drove seven days to get to where I am. Now I'll be back where I began in less than six hours time. My head can't seem to understand it's so far and yet so close. However that doesn't take away my passion for flying.

How is it that I feel like a new person yet again? I feel like I'm shedding my childhood. For the first time ever I feel older, I feel healthier, I feel...not wiser, but more experienced. I don't feel like I drove out of my childhood nor did I fly. I believe I took the train...or a kite.

Babies (10/13/10 in San Fran, 8pm)

As I sit here on the floor in the airport terminal, I can't help but notice how detailed my thoughts are, and now, my thought process. I love writing. I wish I were better at it. Making my words so detailed in what I feel and think. Often when I try to explain things, my thoughts get lost in translation.

I'm about to catch a Red eye to Philly then home... Home, it seems so distant currently, like I left so long ago. How will I feel when I'm back? It's only for what feels like a few hours. I wonder who else is going home. Is it their real home? Or just what they call it?

This place has become my home, living with sisters.

I feel warmth from the thought of standing in line to pay for my gum when I see a Milkyway candy bar and some peanut butter m&m's. Thinking about plate tectonics and how the earth is cut into layers, like humans. Glancing back at the conversation I had with Jen on the way to the airport, we have so many layers. I must say that some people wear far too many heavy sweaters while some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves.

Babies are cute! I wonder if I'll ever have one. Dads and babies are really cute. To be a Dad I feel you really need to strip a lot of layers off and really show your tender side. Specifically daughters. They're Daddy's little girls. There are many different Dads around, young, old, well dressed and some not so much. I secretly hope that my husband, my babies Daddy (if you will), whoever he will be I hope he will be well dressed and have some fashion sense...I'm weird like that I guess.

"Oh The Places you Will Go"

I was finding it heard to fall asleep last night. Even at the age of 23 I woke up an hour earlier even after it took me an extra hour or two to head to the work shop where I often build trinkets out of my days experiences and ideas. I'm getting on a plane tonight. I'm getting onto one of the most exciting ways of travel. Getting on it to go home and see everyone. To see my best friend get married, my friends, my family.

Even being the age that I am I still get really excited about these things. Just like when I used to sleep at the foot of my parents bed the night before we would go Knoebels. Thinking about the fun that is about to commence. How my heart skips a beat to think about Who I'm headed to see.

Even at 23 anticipation is still getting the best of me.

Up These Hills

I've been doing a lot of walking around here. I walk on pavement, gravel, wood, and dusty trails. I do a lot of walking up. Most of the trails and destinations we have here are at the top of steep trails. They can be full of surprises all the time. Will I slip? Will I slide, tumble, create a tiny land slide, make it down unscathed?

I have climbed many mountains in my life. Some short, some that have rocked my world, some that I never summited and some I chose not to. When I was in Ecuador while climbing in high altitude and moving forward, I realized a lot of things about myself. Something that changed my eyes and my outlook on so many things in my life and how I look at these open trails now is what our team guide told me at over 17,000ft on a glacier at sunrise on a crystal morning as the sun crested the horizon right beside a volcano in the distance. All while I was having a mental and physical battle to reach the summit. Head pounding at 16,000ft in the small base hut built into pumice and mud that sat cozily underneath Cotopaxi, a volcano that was over 19,000ft in elevating wonder and mysterious beauty.

I kept having dizzy spells and honestly should have turned back earlier than I did. Every step becoming so brutal and so real. I couldn't do this. This was the first time in my life I physically could not go on. How frustrating that was to try so hard in preparation and anticipation to only reach something that isn't what you imagined. I was frustrated and mad at myself. For more reasons than just having mental blocks about proceeding rest-step after rest-step, stopping every 25 feet to try and force any air that might have been hiding in the pitch dark 4 something in the morning.

I prayed for the strength, I prayed for understanding and grace of the battle that my body and mind were having until these words came from a beautiful Ecuadorian accented heart ..."Everyone has their own summit, one is very different from another. This is your summit, Celebrate!"

We danced on the side of Cotopaxi that morning. I cried and looked to the fading stars above me to feel the glorious love that was silently raining down on me. as the landscapes began to awaken and distant Quito city lights began to flicker from the clumsy fog. We had made it to a new destination, a new moment, a new realization. How glorious? How Stunning life was. 

How simple, and yet my human mind forgets at times the utter beauty of it all. Wanting something so badly doesn't mean you always get it. A reminder then has been to look at the places you are currently standing. The details in the fabric and the journey itself. How blessed? How stunning? Enjoying even just a little bit of sunshine that falls down through the Redwood trees on a brisk morning. To see the pure joy and raw innocence in a childs eyes as they laugh and learn. As they grow and teach us things we have forgotten in the hustle and bustle of "growing up".

This life is so neat.