"Mainstream"

It is not a matter of how to explain (That is a challenge in its self).  It is a matter of what to explain and when.
I have been trying to find ways to communicate with people. How to explain myself while trying simply to relate with others. As Jennifer Spears explained, "It's not as cool on the outside. The "hip" factor is stripped".

I am glad I have been going through this season of being stripped. I am glad in all of it to know that I am forgiven for these mental tangents of longings and self proclaimed images. I am seriously not cool. In fact I could be considered a world class nerd with the new style I'm rockin' these days, but the truth is I've mentioned me in a lot of this... It has nothing to do with me. The main truth being that I can't force Jesus Culture on anyone else. They have to want it. I wont repeat myself but reread the opening paragraph again... Go ahead, seriously.

How quickly I forget.

I have been wondering specifically; How do I make myself more mainstream? How do I take myself to a different level but not loose me in the madness?... Maybe it's not madness but it's this place where suddenly I feel stripped. Where suddenly life is reintroduced and things are all the more uncomfortable.

The truth is I don't know how to explain where I've been for the last month. I could speak until I'm hoarse. If I'm honest in asking (and I don't want to assume) What is it you really want to hear?

Many things aside I do not want to shut down. But I am finding it very hard to speak up. I am holding these things close to my heart. Why shelter these experiences? Why keep them for myself for the time being?...Well, I know that not all things fall to deaf ears... But I'm still learning to lean.


Timing is everything friends.

Merry Christmas.

Unpacking.

Under attack or just the Holy Spirity aching within me? Changing me. Molding me yet again this season.

^{Psalm 27:14
14} Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.

COURAGE. This has been our theme for the last 3 weeks and I have realized that I barely have any.

Who am I, Where am I?...South Africa. As we drove home. We drove home... This have only been our home for 5 days. and it is home. Just like the hostel we stayed at before and will be soon again too. Home makes me think of high school, Freshmen year and how I refused to call Green Holly rd home. Because of all the history that lead to it. I thought home was a place you built with memories. Home was something that grew with age and time. Now, however, I can see that it is quite the opposite. Home is what makes you and how, why.

Home is where you learn so much in the midst of these very short periods.

Home teaches you how to do things. Like to love quickly, to love deeply. To take those things that you learned and take them to the next check point to unpack in your bones and carry with you. We become walking antique shops skimming through memories with stories and with memories that are there with no recolection of how they got there.

Home is in each face, each word, each experience.

God is home, and He's making a ruckus...

Be encouraged, be strong and be patient.

Wait for the Lord.

Majestic is Your Name

Sleep seems like such a waste of time when there is so much that still needs to be done before I depart.

To Do lists out the wazoo and people I still want to talk to! And yet...I can barely keep my eyes open.

I am beside myself with how blessed I have felt leading up to this trip and where the last year has taken me. There is no doubt in my mind...This is Gods awing work. Gives me chicken skin (goose bumps) every time. One thing I know for sure through all these uncertainties and plans that are sure to change as each hour dissolves is this, God knows my heart through and through. He knows how I am built and He has created my heart to be a certain way. Unlike anyone elses and that is so NEAT! But He knows me inside and out and He knows what I need. It has been Places, Travels, Experiences, Trials, Joys, Love, Friends, Family, Mentors, Silence, and Seasons.

Matthew 10:29-30

Where ever I have gone, God has provided communities and encouragement and I am so, SO grateful for these stunning seasons.

Wake Up.

Last night it hit me. Last night while I was in a tube of a shower on the second floor in the quietest house I've ever felt.

I'm going to South Africa.

People have been asking me what my thoughts are on leaving for a month, what my reactions will be, what I look forward to doing or becoming while I am there. People ask me how my heart could possibly handle the heart ache that I am about to encounter... "Are you ready"? At times I feel like they are asking me to predict the future. The truth is I have a soft heart (something I have been told the world needs more of) and I know it is meant to be broken. However that is not what I am looking to. My answer is usually the excitement in thoughts of being able to love every little face I encounter. To be able to talk to that specific little one whom God put on my path or God put me on theirs to discover presence and His love encountered. And it is a very true hope. A hope that He can use me the best way He knows how.

There is something important that I have left out though.

You ask me how I feel. You ask me if I'm alright and if I will be able to handle these things in which are upon me. You may ask these things with a darker stand point on the subject. I would like to be a reminder that God's been there the entire time. We are headed there to amplify. We are headed there to celebrate and love. We are headed there to encourage and be encouraged.

Last night it hit me square in the face. What are my hopes? Amidst these worrisome nerves what are my ambitions for not only this journey but the road that I currently walk down with my own two feet?   

I want to thrive not just survive.


^{Psalm 46:
1} God is our refuge and strength,
      always ready to help in times of trouble.
 ² So we will not fear when earthquakes come
      and the mountains crumble into the sea.
 ³ Let the oceans roar and foam.
      Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
                         Interlude
 ⁴ A river brings joy to the city of our God,
      the sacred home of the Most High.
 ⁵ God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
      From the very break of day, God will protect it.
 ⁶ The nations are in chaos,
      and their kingdoms crumble!
   God’s voice thunders,
      and the earth melts!
 ⁷ The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
      the God of Israel is our fortress.
                         Interlude
 ⁸ Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
      See how he brings destruction upon the world.
 ⁹ He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
      He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;
      he burns the shields with fire.
 ¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God!
      I will be honored by every nation.
      I will be honored throughout the world.”
 ¹¹ The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
      the God of Israel is our fortress.
                         Interlude

Blank Stares.

I have just spent almost an hour sitting on my bed zoned out looking at various pictures and profiles on facebook. Looking up videos and songs on Youtube and I just came back into reality not knowing really what I've been thinking about for the last hour.

So these times happen not very often but I suddenly felt a tad home sick. Not just for the east coast but for literally the days of summer vacation when I did absolutely nothing but lay in the grass or sleep in no problem. What is my problem? I have been having this chronic fear of not being rested enough. Of not being able to have enough strength, of being sick, of being sick and tired. Then I look to the tan carpet with old car maintenance receipts and a birthday card. I have a job, it is on the West coast and this is what I've been doing for a year. I am...tired. But I am... more full than I have been.

I spent the day decompressing from work...The morning decompressing. You would wonder what is there to decompress from when you work with kids all the time, in the woods, in a bubble?

It is just that. At times I feel as though I am not a real person. I feel as though I am stuck in this role of North Eastern PA. Where my days consist of making sure announcements are running smoothly classes are set and prepped ready for when kids get off their beds and sing my way up and down trails while getting to know the brains and fears of 5th and 6th graders. By the time I get into bed at night I feel like I had only just gotten out 10 minutes before. Feeling the same amount of exhaustion.

I am not trying to say this is a negative thing. Because it isn't most of the time. I am saying that I don't want to fall into this routine of this being the only thing I know...

I feel this is why my ambition has sky rocketed for what my ideas might be for further down the road. There are so many options. Where can I go, what do I really want to do next? How? Through hike the Appalachian Trail? Perhaps, Bike across the country? High potential. What do I truly want to be when I go up?

That last question has me back to square one, wishing I was a child laying in the grass with no responsibility to worry about, with nothing to worry about sustaining myself with.

LIGHT BULB.

Why do these things gnaw away at my brain so much sometimes? As much as I am not looking forward to doing low-ropes tomorrow I will openly admit that I do enjoy the personalities I meet more. I don't right before I dive in, but once I'm in I take advantage of it and I enjoy getting to know kids and what makes them tick.

Truth: I have a very selfish mentality at times when it comes to working in this industry. When I think about the day, I think about how I would much rather be sitting here on my bed not doing a single thing. Sleeping instead, perhaps or literally staring at a wall.

I have been admitting more and more to myself that though I say I trust the Lord to give me all the strength I need to sustain me, I am exhausted. Looking toward faces I have yet to meet and places I have yet to see, tonight, I am tired and I want to sleep. Deep slumbers, with out roosters.

I have also realized that I tend to try and candy coat endings to my entries... but not tonight.

That's all I've got.

Everything

"We stood
Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
As the old pine fell we sang
Just to bless the morning."

Ben Howard is perfect rainy day music. Not depressing but restfully inspiring. While enjoying a good blanket, while sitting inside looking out as rain falls feeling inspired to love every little thing like, "Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags", or a good pen to paper... Thank you Jennifer Spears for allowing the Lords love to shine through you. And thanks be to God for the Love that inspires so many to translate your  love and beauty in so many unique ways.

There are thoughts I have about the ever changing seasons. Questions, but who doesn't? My continued question is, "Will it ever be anything as I imagined it to be"? As of right now, to emphasize again, this is nothing as I imagined my life being two years ago. Three thousand miles from anything that was familiar. Now it is becoming so.

Pennsylvania is hard to fathom at times in regards to thinking I might have stayed... And what if I did? What if I pushed the Lords words to the side, like I have so many times? Then where would I be? Just as sheltered, perhaps, instead of being OK with uncomfortable.

I'm sitting alone in this cafe looking at locals while no one knows how far these feet and this soul has truly come. But what am I trying to prove? It's not about me, but, that's what I love.  I'm along for the ride amongst this field trip to experience and help others to experience the love of Christ. The mission of Christ. The ways that the Lord leads each of us through each moment. Down each trail and through each temporary stay. This world is unbelievable at times.

Let the light continue to shine through.

1 Corinthians 12:4-11;
^"4 There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. ⁵ There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. ⁶ God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. ⁷ A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. ⁸ To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. ⁹ The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. ¹⁰ He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. ¹¹ It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have."

Frogs that can't swim, chatting with Owls.

How do you change something that you would rather not change but absolutely need to change any way? Something that is just so thrilling and fulfilling?

Like being loud with 5th graders? It is day three of the week and when I'm saying I'm honest it is this... I have a problem. Yes I openly admitted it. I LOVE singing camp songs, making silly voices and doing owl calls...What's it to you?  However my voice... My vocal chords highly, HIGHLY dislike me right now because of it. The energy that is expelled from kids is some of the best energy that can in many cases (not all) fill your cup to the brim and fill your quota for laughter, love and smiles.

There is something about a child's laughter that sets the world right. Something that even though my throat hurts after I have been working for literally 13+ hours straight, it makes me want to sing one more song, to share jokes and make them smile.

Yes... I have done it again. I have stretched it a little too far when it comes to using aspects of this tent beyond the ability that it has to continue with out discomfort... But tonight, I just don't care because these kids are The Bees Knees.

Gods Cue for Rain Amongst These Giants.

It is so funny how on the most random of days when your schedule is thrown off, you can't help but feel slightly out of place and some what like a Sunday afternoon before going back to school Monday morning to partake in the grind of another week... Looking forward to something. Something still something calm, yet moments that make you feel alive and moments that help you to remember so many different combinations of things.

The entire day I have been feeling like it is Sunday. One of those Sundays where you know hard things are on their way but you wish so badly that you had one more day to the weekend to finish all the homework you put off until now, to have those moments around a campfire or on a trail where discovery is at its finest while getting the breathe stolen from your heart as you see creation at its finest.

As we drove back on the wettest winding roads I couldn't help but feel that abrupt end to an adventure. Tired but feeling to lazy to do anything about it. To want nothing more but to sit in the shower and thaw. To feel like you should have perhaps been somewhere else...Where? Not sure. But the conversations felt entirely right.



This season of hard conversations and communication continues. There is so much I am looking forward to that I don't even know  the slightest details of yet. But I know it is there...  Love and Adventure.

Minuscule in Mass Quantites

Today has been a restful day. My body is very tired but it is content in that. I have written many letters and have accomplished a lot of little things that have been slowly causing weight to steadily grow on my shoulders. Little things like communication or lack there of, it is nice to catch up on these things.

Letter writing and asking for help, in my life, are complete opposites. I highly dislike asking for help. To get places, for advice, for honesty and for direction. This isn't only earthly. Often times I will feel like I ask too much of God. Constantly asking for direction, clarity, peace of mind, healing, understanding, strength, rest, love, forgiveness, courage, and bold words. So much more I could add to that list but for now I will be content.

Content in this day while bees hover past my key board, while delicate fluff balls float past my screen, distracting me for a moment as I feel the sunshine hit my brow. Sitting here resting and listening to music barely speaking anything but yet communicating and saying so many things as each thought continues to build from other various thoughts in my head... One Republics "Good Life" chorus play in the back ground.

God has replied in so many ways. All of those things that I have mentioned and requested help with, he has replied in ways I can't even comprehend but am equally thankful for.

I have been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and It has been one of those books where in the beginning it was indeed a bit of a struggle but I am hooked now. Completely immersed in what he explains, how he explains it and how well he interprets. Blown-Away. I just read a part of "The Practical Conclusion".

"Your natural life is derived from your parents; that does not mean it will stay there if you do nothing about it. You can lose it by neglect, or you can drive it away by committing suicide. You have to feed it and look after it: but always remember you are not making it, you are only keeping up a life you got from someone else. In the same way a Christian can lose the Christ-life which has been put into him, and has to make efforts to keep it. But even the best Christian that ever lived is not acting on his own steam-- he is only nourishing or protecting a life he could never have acquired by his own efforts. And that has practical consequences. As long as the natural life is in your body, it will do a lot towards repairing that body. Cut it, and up to a point it will heal, as a dead body would not. A live body is not one that never gets hurt, but one that can to some extent repair itself. In the same way a Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who is enabled to repent and pick himself up and begin over again after each stumble-- because the Christ-life is inside him, repairing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the kind of voluntary death which Christ Himself carried out."-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity; pg.62-63

Even if you are lactose in-tolerant  you can't deny that this does a body good.

Fun side note:  I typed lactoseintollerent and spell checked it and got, "buckminsterfullerene"...I don't even know what that is.

Splattered Thoughts

We cannot build our own religion. We are not in control. We must simply surrender to what we cannot see. If we continue to seek the full, detailed answer we will never find it because the answer is not our own. Thinking upon these things I look back upon this crazy blessed lesson of a life as of late.

I have been tending to other people lately. Putting my best intentions aside and loosing my self and my strength through a lot of it. I have been distracted. I will be honest in saying I'm not alright with it. I am not ready to multitask in such ways, I am ready to be twenty-something ready to take on whatever and discover where ever. I didn't think I'd be ready for how hard it would be but I am learning to know that I cannot sacrifice how I truly feel for the sake of keeping someone else glad. I continue to be guided.

I (with a lot of help from a coworker) killed and cooked two of the five roosters that live across  the road from me, about forty feet from my bedroom window. While I am still in shock that we did such a thing I am still very grateful for willing neighbors and a tad more quiet afternoons where birds aren't crowing every ten minutes until sunset. They have become a nice stew and I am very much looking forward to enjoying it to hopefully continue to strengthen this body of mine and many others, if they are willing to.

This week I feel that the days have been shortened and I have been feeling like I should protest.  Once I finally get into bed to actually put my thoughts in mental filing cabinets, I feel as though I was just getting out of this bed 10 minutes before...Feeling equally as sleepy as I did in the morning from lack of sleep from this vicious cycle. As I ponder upon these thoughts right here, right now, I look to my right at the wall which holds many grins and landscapes. Tiny printed words that say, "You must live for something higher, bigger and better than you". It is what I have been doing and like to think I am trying to continue to do. At times I feel like I am lazy with it while other days I feel triumphant in all of it. But I am just me. Just little ol' me trying my best to listen and be guided in the best direction that has been set out for me.

An odd final thought. I have been thinking of comfort places and friends and smells lately. How I will move on when others move on or I'll move on before they do so that I wont have to deal with the weird changes that come along with people who begin different seasons else where... This has been such a struggle of mine. On top of working seasonally for the majority of my life. I feel, by instinct, I should be moving on, but yet some days I feel I should stay a bit longer. To be strengthened by community, to be taught, to grow, to love and be loved.

At times I feel motion sickness from this winding road, that's when deep breathes are taken and you pop your ears to compensate... I have GOT to find better metaphor's...

Good night friends.

Glory Rays.

You know it's been one of those days when God slows time to help you understand and appreciate things like a hummingbird fluttering in front of you as you drive down a redwood covered road. Or when you are laughing so hard while using different leaning techniques to reach the far black berries off the main bridge. Or loosing yourself in a run that makes you feel blessed to have the legs God gave you while being grateful for the air that enters your lungs as you keep going... You just keep going... And going, as you feel more and more free with each step that you stride.

Sun sending glory rays through giants as I breathe in California Bay while feet hit dirt and sweat pours from my tent of a body.

Where has this life come from? Thanks so much for things I will never be able to fully comprehend.
Thanks be to God.

Topping Off The Cup.

Colossians 1:9-10
"So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better."

Black berries burst between my fingers as I picked the juicy ones and carefully placed each foot to reach the best ones. Lara and I talked and laughed as we were trying to place ourselves to claim the best of the prizes that hung just far enough from our purple finger tips. This is something glorious that I hope continues as the seasons change here amongst the giants... Community.

Things are different. I can't place my finger on anything or anyone because they aren't here. Faces that I long to see at times yet am content in knowing that their seasons are meant to be different than mine. All the same it is different.

Why do we have different names? If we had different names would that make us different people? Bring us to different places, lives? How interesting to think that God has it all taken care of and how often we fight it or try to convince him other wise when all we can do is surrender it and pray for spiritual wisdom. To be consumed by his presence and just know that things are the way that they are for reasons unknown to us.

And how is it that God has the most incredible ways of over flowing you with an abundance of joy at the most incredibly unforseen times, lifting you up to new heights instantly shedding light on himself?! It's times like this I honestly don't understand how people could question anything in relation to trying to "prove" that God exists.

It is written in the leaves that fall and the words that are spoken.

And every day I am convinced all the more of His love and strength...And it is causing me to overflow and melt into the comforts of His hands and His plan as it continues to unfold...Each day as it is given.

Keep praying.

At times we are too quick to think...

After a very up and down day, Jenna Bean continues to blow my mind with some raw loving reality. I have been struggling with change... And roosters. Content VS discontent. Sometimes it is harder for us to understand what is outside of our own heads and that is what the people (whom God puts into our lives) are for, raw reality giving advice that we sometimes forget is truth.

I wouldn't feel right now passing it on to you. So breathe it in and let it make you smile like it makes me grin. 
Know that you continue to be loved....

-Ok listen here lady

-I love you.

-next...

-those people need love

-you are a barrel of it

-and God doesn't call us to pour out to those we feel connected to

-He says go ahead and get down with yo bad self and love on every stinking person he brings into your life circle

-God was not asleep when those people came into your life circle

-and He intended for the affecting to go both ways

the beautiful part?

-well..

-when you go outside of yourself and beat your flesh into submission loving people who don't seem to offer you much or connect with you.... you often end up connecting, hah ( :

-oh the irony

-kindred spirits are a rare gift and they don't com 9 to a dozen, or in our case 3 in a half dozen

-they are rare gifts... meant to encourage you and build you up in the season God knows you need them to be there... right now He is probably stretching you.. teaching you endurance, what it means to run the race with endurance that you might receive the prize

 Sent at 6:58 PM on Sunday

-in placing you in an uncomfortable situation He draws you deep into Himself and accomplishes with you the much bigger than Daria picture He intends to affect His precious Daria and the other precious daughters He has given you to rub against as sisters

-it's all about your perspective.. what kind of lenses are you seeing that place and those people through?

-  if you hold onto something from the past that was the best, you will always miss the next best that will always be better because it is relevant to today.

- do you wanna live on one memory of best? You only knew it as best because you let go of something else to experience it.. don't sell yourself out for a memory of best... who says it won't get better?!

"I just wanna be a woman with backbone... the one with so much joy in what she has already received that circumstance and frivolous things like change have no affect on her because she already has her prize in Jesus."- Jenna Michelle

Things that I continue to learn...

Things I feel I am good at: Smiling, sitting, sleeping, helping, eating, driving, running, biking, skiing, keeping up on letters, sometimes journaling, dancing, encouraging, listening, getting stuff done, being honest, wearing sunglasses, joking, laughing, eating chocolate moose, cleaning my room, calling my Mom, moral supporter...

Things that I think I am not so good at: being encouraged, letting go of my pride, praying, writing, talking, letting frustrations go, trusting God, not thinking about myself, not eating well, taking my vitamins, showering on a regular basis, getting up early when I have nothing planned, saving money, keeping my composure with situations, focusing on conversations, not cracking my neck, not cracking my fingers, cooking, putting in food orders, dealing with chickens (literal one that are my neighbors) taking my own words to heart, ambition to move past my comfort zone, speaking my mind, gossip, keeping my feet warm at night, faking enthusiasm, faking anything, loving myself...

Isn't it crazy how the negative can out number the positive in our minds? How a mood or an attitude can have such a difference on reactions and domino effects on thoughts?

I will be detailed in saying that I am frustrated tonight. My car is not working properly and I am very distracted by my own thoughts and opinions on it. When things don't go accordingly or when the burden is longer than I ever think should be, I begin to get these tiny knots in my stomach that get tighter and tighter and tighter. Then from there I try to find  ways to relieve the knots in my stomach, so I begin to crack and stretch out my neck but then it cracks no longer and I am left with a sore neck and tight shoulders all while the knots still tighten in my stomach and stay.

My car will not go in reverse and I live in California. I can't borrow my Moms car when Sarah comes out to visit in a week and I don't enjoy burdening people. While typing these things down, however, I find that these are just things that God wants me to work on. Which is why perhaps he has caused this to happen to begin with. Frankly I get frustrated on many accounts because I'd like to say that that is simply not far and it is NOT OK right now to burden me with this crisis because I don't have time for it...All the while he makes time for it and is again making me take the medicine like a child who is trying so hard to refuse.

I keep worrying about what's wrong with it, can it be fixed? Is it a simple fix? Or a complicated expensive fix, would I have the money to pay for it? Is it worth it to even fix if it's so expensive? How would I go about selling it? Who would even buy it? How am I going to get it from that parking lot to Bills... Could Bill look at it this week? When can I figure all of this out? Why is this happening now?! Before Sarah comes out?!

Do I know the extent of the condition of my car? No Can I do anything about it tomorrow? No, because I'm working all day again and there it will sit for another day in a grocery store parking lot...waiting... And does it kill me that I can't do anything about it? Absolutely... It's driving me nuts, to say the least.

I live to serve but at times I see my flaws more widely than usual and that comes into play when I think about my personal possessions compared to not having anything. It's just a thing and yet I worry about it. I shouldn't have these attached feelings and frustrations about things that I simply could choose not to have, but I have them and so the vicious thought process continues...Woof. Matthew.



If you read this, pray for my mind

...And maybe my car too.

No Auto-Tune Necessary

As I went to sleep last night, my want and need for reading the bible doubled. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep my sleepy eyes open enough to focus on each word of James. We began talking about it in church on Sunday to wrap up our series on the power of prayer. I have realized that I have been praying for things I feel I need.

Clarity, understanding, strength, wisdom, love, comfort, calming and rest.

And many of these things have been blessed to me over the last few weeks. But I haven't prayed thanks often. God knows what we need, we know what we want. But what does God want for us? What is his will at times I wonder, but it can be very obvious in some cases (Perhaps "obvious" isn't the right word... but anyway).

James 5:13-18; Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are you happy? You should sing praises. Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if  you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. Elijah was a human as we are, and yet when he prayed earnestly that no rain would fall, none fell for three and a half years! Then, when he prayed again, the sky sent down rain and the earth began to yield its crops.

He wants us to keep praying. Everything that's on our hearts, it is what we both know and don't know. But he wants us to tune out from ourselves and our constant solving ambition, to give it all to him.

My thoughts have been drifting to Utah lately. A year ago today I will have begun my  week long journey to California to where I stopped in Utah to speak and stay with my dear friends, Matt Dodge and his wife Mindy. They were trying to convince me that I should move to Utah and get a job with the county after my season in the Redwoods ended in November. I was highly considering  it because of the perks that came with the job. Money to pay off my loans, a new car and skiing galore. I was hooked... Until the day I arrived at Alliance. Then I knew I'd be staying put for a delicate few. This is where God has led me. And now the thought of Utah a year later for different reasons, like serving a different kind of community and connecting with Christians in a different state while seeing where that all might lead... With perks of skiing on the side. It all has been entering my brain more often these last couple of weeks. Mixed thoughts of not working in camping ministry after a year of swimming deeply in it has me wondering if I should venture onto other tasks in the world. Another part of me says yes to find out if ministry is something that you are supposed to spend your time doing.

Utah. My time and thoughts continue to tick away as I continue to learn how to surrender again... and again... and again.

Keep praying friends.

Trails and Time Zones

2:32am in west coast territory but here on the east people are used to it, they just call it by a different name, 5:32am. Much more accurate considering the amount of sleep that I got last night. This hour is passing as slowly as molasses yet I am perplexed as to how I got to this airport terminal. Didn’t I just get off a plane a couple of hours ago? Oh right… it was two weeks ago. 

“You have done so much in your time home”, my mother told me as I hugged her before putting my back pack on this morning. Looking back upon it, I have. I’ve seen a lot of people and have had many different conversations. I have thought a lot, prayed a lot and continued to surrender a lot. 

3:45am (6:45am): As we touched down in a fist pumping state in the loudest propeller plane, I think to myself while Lady GaGa pumped through my head phones, “I’ve been higher than that on my own two feet”. I kindly asked the stewardess what our highest elevation was and she replied, “Around 10,000 feet”…"Thanks".

I don’t know what it is but when traveling, music is suitable for any time of day. Lady GaGa came on and I was in the mood. There is so much uniform scheduled into flights boarding and taking off. But somehow, once the sun is up it easily feels like it’s setting or in the midst of a late morning lullaby.

I have realized I barely took any photographs while visiting home, so unlike me. I guess it’s just something you do when you are trying to grasp more than just a surface memory of a visual experience. I wanted more than just snap shots, more than a story to tell. 

In the whirlwind that was an east coast tour, I questioned a lot, talked A LOT and found that I still really don’t know anything. But I’m learning to let go of that. I’m learning as always to continue to let go of a lot and surrender it.

2:30pm (2:30pm): My heart, I think it might have tried to jump out of my chest and sprint to the end of the run way. With the last few hours of travel I have had many thoughts and many conversations with myself.  I got to speak with the lovely Jenna Michelle and we prayed. It was swell to hear her voice and hear her passions crash through the receiver and into my ear... Into my heart.

Chain reactions: Chains of thoughts slamming through my brain as I continue to pray for these battles and journeys ahead of me. 

All the while my heart is swelling to be here again. It is good.

East Coast

Warm Summer nights...
Fireflies...
Summer rains...
Deep conversation...
Home teams...


It's hard for me to begin somewhere when I have already begun from many different places. Returning however seems to be a lot easier than beginning. What I'm saying is that to begin somewhere can be very exciting, unknown and overwhelming. However, returning to somewhere that you have already had a beginning seems all the more exciting because it's something that you know... but different. It is new, refreshing, enlightening, full of healing and soothing... And I'm not even home yet, but it's a start.

Old places mixed with new surroundings doesn't really change much. Locations of kitchen tables have changed. But conversations are still familiar mixed  with deep debate and discussion that is always welcomed. These last couple of days my head has been wrapped around thoughts I am beginning to see from an outside view, a different perspective. It has been good.

I've been waking up at 9am while my body says, "No way, 6am"! So I sleep until 10am and strut into the humid morning breathing in the Summer air of Birch trees and White Pines.  Walking along a creek and feeling the air heavy in my lungs. It feels so different but the familiar overrides while feeling like a child again.

I have noticed that a lot of times smells specifically have been taking me back to my childhood. Perhaps because that is the slowest most remembered part of my life. Lately I feel that my recent years have been nothing but a whirlwind. Being here, now, entirely...kind of has helped me slow down and realize that I haven't done it until recently more often. Though we should do it EVERYDAY.

My life is changing before my eyes...I keep trying to predict it...It is time to quit that habit. 

Back to Where I Began

August 3rd, 2011

11:43am: I have a corner office with a window view of a world below me that is a beautiful haze…

Side note: I really enjoy when I write and listen to music, while writing a certain word it is also sung through my ears.  “Love will make you beautiful”-The Afters

Like my eyes feel when I’m in between sleep and awake there is something that creates a smile within my being. The thought of flying at speeds I can’t even begin to wrap my head around, to get me back to where I began almost a year ago when I began this journey with a prayer and a phone call. As I walked across the grounds last night, still like so many times, I couldn’t even handle the unreal thought of still not being able to comprehend walking on a path way in the woods of California. I can recall sitting three years ago in front of Amy Smith speaking of this feeling in the depths of me. Speaking of setting my eyes towards the west. Other people to reach out to, Yes there are plenty of people to meet and serve on the east side but the west is becoming louder, deafening compared to when I was eleven and wanting to go to school in Colorado for shredding perks. People, kids, a purpose… And so far it has been good. I reflect on that conversation often.

As I fly through the airwaves and as the clouds to my left resemble scooped ice cream, I pray  thanks that life is not like clouds. Life is something you can grasp.

Stuck Like Glue.

Have you ever been on a certain mind set of how your life should go? Thoughts about age, career, education and destinations in life. You don't necessarily compare it to someone elses life (or you might) but you have this over all assumption about what's next or should be next.

Have you ever prayed so hard for something it consumes your mind and being? Something pointless (now that I look back upon it) Here's some history for you. I can remember my senior year of high school kneeling in front of my bed and praying that it wouldn't rain on my graduation day so that I could walk on the same football field my brother graduated on three years before me.  I can remember crying because I thought it would ruin my plans. It would ruin those amazing moments if we had to be crammed inside the auditorium. I had always had a knack for being able to "predict" when it would rain. We voted on the destination of our senior class trip in January for May and I already knew it would rain because where we had chosen to go was Dourney Park and every single time I've gone there it has rained. So there for I had this strange feeling that it would rain on graduation day. Sure enough, they announced it would be inside and I was so bitter.

This was a rather stupid example, I will admit but none the less it was a legit concern and focus that I had at that time in my life. To bring it to a better view, Lets bring up the five years I spent in school, the last year being one of the most frustrating/ enlightening years of my entire life.

Most wouldn't think that it's a good thing when you enter your fifth year of under grad. I was one of those people for a long time. When I entered my fifth year of school, I was in a town filled with people I didn't really know. Without a support system that had kept me grounded for two years and frustration of materialistic things like school bills, loans and food to feed myself plus rent that I was scrapping up to get by. I was in the midst of figuring myself out a bit more after a year of searching I was frustrated with a lot of things in my life including how I was stuck in "Happy Valley" for another semester with nothing but a serving job and a constant stress and struggle of class. Not to mention a broken foot. I was praying out of frustration for things I thought I wanted at the time. Thought I needed. But that's the thing about God. If I am going to be bold here I wont beat around the bush... God knew what I needed, I did not. So through the frustration and the chaos of a semester I thought was going to be my hardest one yet, turned out to be the semester that saved my entire life. Something that I never even thought needed to happen until it happened. God continues to lead me to destinations in my life that bring me through some of the darkest times and the most murky times, providing clarity. I can't say that this is how it always goes. There are things I have yet to understand  about why certain situations have happened and at those specific times but times that I thought my life would end because MY plans haven't gone accordingly, God for sure told me so. He's taught me amazing things in an earthly amount of short time.

Pray boldly for what you want. In time you might actually find that things you pray for whether that be understanding or a need for something, may indeed bring you towards clarity and a better understanding of what you really actually want instead or a better picture of what you are asking for. God wants us to ask. He already knows but He wants us to ask him. He wants us to lean and learn. So my prayers have changed. What do I want? I want to know Him more. I want to live more like His son. I want to love more. I want bold words to speak through me in hard times to help shed light on personal and other situations. I want to surrender it all to him.

I can't really say that this post has even slightly ended up making sense or connecting smoothly but...Does it always really need to? Thoughts aren't always clearly stated. Not even when they are flowing out of your fingers.

I do know that writing helps me. I certainly haven't been doing enough of it. So it is time for a change.

This is my current plan.

Captured Wanderings

It's so interesting how when the breeze hits the trees, how that flow of air can cause a different unique movement from each leaf it touches. The same can relate to different air flow that carries words and thoughts. Each ear that that air touches causes a different reaction of thoughts and understandings. Some can just go with it, some can take the beating. While others might become rattled by the breeze, shaking and looking unstable but holding ground. And some fall. For some that last breathe caused them to shake and fall. Never to be the same again...But they are just leafs aren't they?

These thoughts wander the same as conversation. How is it that at one point we are talking about sand paper and tree cookies when the very next moment we are discussing favorite books and verses from the bible (My campers favorite book)? It's a far stranger thought to think of how thoughts produce different lights and perspectives on situations and how they both open and close doors, creating fresh air to gasp in or a cold room to sit exposed and vulnerable.

I have been learning a lot about my own thoughts lately. My prayers have been for clarity and bold words to speak true to not only those whom surround me but also to myself. Prayers that long for His presence and encouragement through all of the chaos that has been these lasting moments of my life currently. So far this is what has been translated and distinguished:

I can't be anything I am not. There are so many things I wish I were but wishful thinking is a fake state of mind...Life's not like the movies and we as individuals change all the time. Life is not always "all that and a bag of chips" Or a fruit snack, or a water melon, or brownie, or cup cake, or a cold beer. It is not something that has been produced by man. It has been given to you by a powerful God because He is fulfilling a purpose through you.  I want to love people...

It's so strange and yet so incredible when God slips His way into conversation creating new perspective and enlightenment...Frustration and growth.  

Something to add...

You Have my Attention

Never quite sure how to begin an entry when you want to write yet you don't. You have a lot of things to talk about and yet you'd rather not put in the effort at times. Wishing those who read this (who ever that might be) were here so you could just chat and converse over a good chai or perhaps just the comfort of seeing someones eyes in line with your own. Knowing for sure that you have their attention and nothing can shake it.

At times I wonder what God thinks of us. Our prayers ask for help, guidance and clarity. After reading Exudos, Numbers and am currently in the middle of Deuteronomy, I really wonder what God thinks of us currently. What does He think of me currently? I went for a run this morning...

Let me back track... For the last three weeks, I have been suffering from severe pain in my left foot. After spending some annoying expenses I left the doctor with a stylish black boot up to my calf that I hiked and stunk up for 3 weeks. However it didn't do much. The pain was still there and it wasn't getting any better and it wasn't even swollen or warm. Nothing looked injured besides the fact I could barely put weight on it with out wearing the boot. After celebrating my friends birthday at an inflatable playground place (because that's just what you do when you are celebrating your friends 25th birthday) I came home in agony. I sat on my bed...and I prayed. I prayed differently than I had at any other moment through this situation. I surrendered and fully let go and begged God. I don't remember how long I prayed for. it was a while and I was emotionally and physically exhausted afterward and fell asleep. Woke up the next morning with my foot throbbing. I put the boot on again and just felt entirely broken. However after working with the boot on in the morning I headed to the pool for Life Guard duty and decided to not wear the boot. I was fed up with it and decided to go barefoot for the afternoon and just be frustrated with the pain. As I walked around to check on things and get things ready to open the pool, my foot began to loosen and the pain instantly let up 85%. By the time I left the house with the girls for a night in town, the pain had fully lifted. Praise God. Praise Him for He is a mighty God of healing and comfort.

This season isn't anywhere near over though. In fact, it has only just begun and even with in the last month of it, I have been seeing so much new and dealing with so much...growing...accepting...surrendering.

So I went for a run this morning but it wasn't much of a run more of just little moments of clarity mixed with worship, tears, stomach flips and deep breathes while I sat in the car and journaled for a lot of the time...then went down to the fog covered wrath of Gods creation. The waves were menacing and as I ran I could feel the power overwhelm me.

I wonder what He thinks of us. I wonder what He thinks of me. I ask for so much and I pray for so many things. I give Him thanks and I praise His name. Thinking back upon how hard it becomes in various situations... How nice it is to converse with people, to have their undivided attention seeing their eyes looking into yours seeking through the conversation, relating and providing clarity in detail. But how often our attention becomes divided. By many different things. While listening...Even while talking we so easily become divided by thoughts about money, travel, experience, others,etc... We are human and it is something that we are constantly trying to stay on top of and to practice being better with providing undivided attention. It is one of the most cherish things you can give...undivided attention. God always gives us His undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention. With out fail they listen fully and it makes us feel whole. They are there through and through looking you square in the eye and comforting us, guiding us, loving us all the time.

When I pray how often do I get distracted and have my attention become divided by emotion and distractions of thoughts about the day or week or people. I wonder what God thinks about when we only provide divided attention when He provides nothing but undivided to each of us. In times of need. How cool is it that the Lord always gives us undivided attention. Christ always gives us His undivided attention...Why can't we do the same? What are some things that prevent you from giving something that is so cherished, so undivided?
Pray boldly.

Ink and a Sleeping Bag

In the midst of this bubble. I have realized things. Things like days blending. Things like emotions dangling. Things like attachment to things... People, seasons, scents, breezes and heart strings. From my core of friends I am the only unmarried and the only single person in this chain... I feel as though I am on one side of the fence while they are on the other with their "other". While I sit here I am ok with that while a little voice in the back of my head panics saying... where's mine? When new interests flow and others venture out on that limb of attraction, wanting to know that other better, it is where my heart begins to ache in the middle of rejoicing.

The topic of significant others came up at a meal one night this week, in the new spring breeze while a calm relaxed conversation took place amidst the giants. We talked about independence and relationships, finding the common medium while still holding tight to good friends. But how can you juggle so much when you just want to get to know that new "other" better. When you are so intrigued by them that you want to learn them better and grow with them better?... We couldn't answer these questions simply because we have never been in the situation before... But times they are a changing. Not for me at this moment in my life.

Matthew 6


Struggling with a lot of little things accumulating like a light snowfall that you put to the back of your head while at work only walking out hours later to see how much it's all piled up... I can't get home on my own. I need Him. I have neglected a lot over the last couple of weeks. Causing distraction, numbness and blurred vision from intrusive thoughts of abandonment. I can't even deny it. However I rejoice in these aches and pains of the heart because I am alive. I am not others because I was created to be who I am. It is simply just something I am still accepting. 


I spent most of the late afternoon and evening with my head in the bible not reading, but praying. He is so faithful and it is true that when we continue to ask for something we want, our Father does provide and through surrendering a lot of things tonight I have been able to feel Him pull me closer. As we were enlightened one morning before work, I too find myself wanting more. More than just His blessing. I want to feel His presence. And oh how I felt it tonight with my face down on that book while the light slowly dimmed under a massive red.
I continue to struggle, but, I welcome these struggles.

...

I have never experienced such a community...













Blessed.

"I'm in California"

Candid moments. There is something about candid moments. Seeing pure emotion. It is an interesting thought to think how often pictures are being taken and how often we pose for these pictures. Asking to retake purity so that we look "more natural" yet more fake than ever. Candid shots of laughter and kind smiles. Soft touches and giggles from side conversations. Intense words mixed with hand placement that to me, screams to be captured. Last night the thought crossed my mind while I was having a conversation about this coming summer with Joy. Discussing summer life and guiding on the canopy.

After having a long overdue chat with Jenna Givens, with 2,000 miles of static in between, her words were crystal clear, "You can't rely on human relationship, the Lord needs you to be fully devoted to Him first and for most."

I am still reading Numbers... Yes I know, I know. It has been both a struggle and a very enlightening experience. I find myself numbing out while reading it which then, causes me clarity on where I need to disicpline myself more when it comes to being more intune with what I'm reading. Today for instance, I read Numbers 23:18-24... You can look into it yourself if you so please but This area caused me to think in multiple different directions today as I looked out the window of the cafe while reading and writing.

"It is true and it is real."

The reading frustrates me yet, intrigues me. All while it feels like the sun has set all day long with these thick clouds that makes eyes sleepy. My thoughts keep falling back... "I'm 24"..."I'm in California"...And these first times are the times in which I have never imagined myself to be.

The rain hits puddles like quick time old fashioned photography of people ice skating on ponds. I have not been a student for 10 months. So much has happened in 10 months and it's such an interesting though to think out upon where I will be in another year. Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. "I am in California...How did this come to be?"I have found that many have asked me this question and it still makes me heart leap with overflowing joy. God brought me here. This is where He told me to go. This was a major stepping stone in my trust with the Lord. And just as I have been talking with Jenna, God has never led us astray. It has always been ourselves. While not listening to God. God continues to lead us places with incredible community and how come we still falter to trust in Him? Trusting in the Lord with all your heart while being broken and learning and obeying that trust instead of taking short cuts to try and understand or predict where the Lord will lead you. Making plans that aren't even relevant at times...I've gone off track a bit, let me back up...
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Stunning truths and yet we continue to trip and stumble over our human tendencies. But our realizations of these tendencies do not make us Jesus. They don't make us, "more like Jesus." We will never be Jesus. Or anywhere close. It's not about me. It's about working towards better and living by example of an amazing savior. I'm feeling a bit more a live these days and a bit more broken...This is a very good thing.

Praise God.

Whatever the weather

This afternoon I believe that the cold that I have been fighting for the last four or five days was blown away by my spirits as they soared after we finished our hike late due to exciting exploration and adventure. After two classes of learning a lot about forests and everything in them mixed with a crazy amount of hiking up, up, up...  The conversation with my 5th graders went as follows:

Me: "Hey crew, I'm really sorry we still have to hike back and we are already 11 minutes late for free-time."

Nineteen 5th graders freaking out at me: "We don't even care about free-time!!!!! We're having way too much fun!!!! This is the best week of camp, EVER!!!"

POW, stuffy nose and sore throat, RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

"Some say we need a miracle
Some say there’s no hope at all
But I know that Your love is strong, it goes on and on
and on and on
Rise up when it gets us down
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…"

Nonverbal Horizons

The last few days I have been feeling dimmed out...yet...Clarity has risen in the mix of various thoughts and meanderings.

We got drenched this week. Soaked to the bone with hail, wind, mud and surface run off. Kids spirits were low as the week began but by the end, they soared. We waved goodbye on Friday with sand in our shoes. I wonder what floated through their heads while reminiscing conversations about journeys and ways to eat apples. Driving back towards camp from a crystal clear pacific ocean, through green pastures and winding one lane roads, we took a hot second pit stop to look out over the wilderness meeting the ocean. I doubt I will ever get passed the beauty of creation that is Northern California and how its mountains meet the sea. It's simply stunning.

Back behind the wheel, Brett Dennen flowed through the speakers.

These last few days I have been reading Numbers. In the mornings as I yawned and was found to be bored of what I was reading, suddenly I was awoken to the realization of a few things. Firstly How young I really am. How naive I am and how I have been doubting trust of so many different things that have consumed my heart and mind. Secondly I began to calm down and realize that that's OK. As I read further into Numbers, I notice how the Lord wants to separate classes of men by age and by group for specific jobs amongst the Israelites. Men who are older than 30 cannot become soldiers for the Armies. But are instead given great responsibility. They are older and they can truly grasp the importance of the Tabernacle (perhaps). We are young because this is the time we were supposed to come. We are young and at times lost in translation not only with the world but with our own thoughts and various views because we are young and we have not seen nearly half the things that older generations have seen...That may be a bit of a far fetched thought.

We are frustrated with thoughts and views of who we "should" be or "want" to be. As I drove back from the beach I was pulled away from conversation with a thought. We are human. It is simple but rather complex. We are sinful, we are lost, but many of us have been found. That doesn't mean we have found all that is required of us or how we should present ourselves.

I had a camper on the zipline this week who wanted to go off so badly but kept pulling back. Asking for more time. Needing just a minute more to prepare himself. Finally after multiple countdowns and overflowing encouragement...we were both exhausted and he had to climb back down the ladder.
...I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this... Hearing words forming into sentences from friends on different topics of Christianity and how it truly isn't about us...How we all struggle with being human. We struggle with sin, and selfishness. We struggle to live rightly and serve with out strings. To trust in more than just what we can see... entirely. Nothing Lasts Forever By Brett Dennen This song provided me with some puzzle pieces in between moments of enlightening perspective. All while my continued journey down this path leads me around various bends and curves. We see things in how this WORLD has interpreted over the years and through different progressions and digressions, at times it is more clearly seen that we are human. We are flawed, and that is how it is. Simple, right?...Yet complicated. Human emotion is a fickle thing. We are born into the times of living we were meant to be born into The Lord created His plan to fulfill so many devine things and we are intertwined in all it's mighty beaten paths and raging rivers, all while planting seeds and watering gardens. We mustn't "dwell" upon what continues to break us. We are simply human. Instead we must continue to "give thanks for our dreams" and enjoy what is here and be able to laugh live, love and serve under an amazing God. There are certainly times that are more serious and more broken...but... It is what He has created us personally to fulfill and/or provide. If we continue to dwell continuously, we will miss these moments....


"nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released"

It is good to be broken and realize these things. It is growth to process, realize and accept (or not to accept) things about ourselves. It is another thing, completely different, to go through life when others realize it while you don't see it and continue down a path astray from what you were meant to be on.

The human brain is an interesting muscle, How it can go through so many different things... Bend and mold to thoughts that don't physically exist. But yet these thoughts exist. I never verbalized any of this I simply wrote most of these thoughts...If it weren't for journals, friends and blogs, perhaps people would have a hard time believing that a thought ever existed to begin with unless you spoke of it...I'm cracking myself up with these current thoughts. How true it is, that not all things are physically obvious or understood...






Brett Dennen: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease
I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you
in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day
but forgotten how to say
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun

Dear Mother

I am quickly growing to love Psalm 39 more and more each time I read it.

Go ahead take a look.... Psalm 39

I know, right? Raw. But in a good way. I just read it this evening as I sat here drinking my tea after a good evening of words flowing over  "White lightning" and "Damnation" beer. Onion rings with a side of chocolate moose. I spent most of my day alone, plugged in while praying as I hammered, climbed and pruned at tall giants conversing... asking, "what's next?" Lyrics floated through my head joining with various verses and lines. 

 My thoughts have been feeling selfish and material driven lately, a constant knot in my stomach about things...like bills...( "The norm"). If you know me, you'd know I can't stand the thought of money or pointless materialistic things. And yet I own far to many clothes, care way to much about my style. Always cautious yet rather careless with the way I handle numbers... I am very disorganized. However my thoughts still stand the same...I am simply not a lover of money. I am a lover of people.  I am however trying to respect it more...If that makes any sense what so ever. I am again... trying, like always, to down grade.

⁶ We are merely moving shadows,
      and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
   We heap up wealth,
      not knowing who will spend it.
 ⁷ And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
      My only hope is in you.

I mean, think about it. Constantly moving, moving, moving to get things done to save money, to spend money, to gain wealth and happiness to "prepare", "excel" while we are on this earth...The saying does go though, "You can't take it with you". It's true. Happiness is temporary, joy is everlasting...It is eternal, just like Him.


⁴ “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
      Remind me that my days are numbered—
      how fleeting my life is.
 ⁵ You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
      My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
      at best, each of us is but a breath.”

With fresh air in my lungs and Douglas Fir dust in my eyes...balls, I was joyed. To do something among these many blessings where I have currently been called to be apart of. It's a pretty neat place to be. 
If you had walked by me as I worked you might mistaken my loneliness as an imaginary friend. I talked a lot, but I also listened, A LOT. I found a few answers... I also found that gravity is a silly yet intense thing...we'll just leave it at that.


As I walked around the grounds today, I had a song flowing out of my heart and off my lips, Eternal.


I have been enjoying the subtle reminders...

Standing Still.

As I heard Christine Blocks voice fill my left ear in the California sunshine while sitting near a tree in the parking lot after church, words from our conversation were words of comfort and encouragement. "Right now you must simply be loved. You will have your chance to give back and spread the love more, but for now, be loved and know that it is what you need."

Along with a good reminder that in the midst of all of my worrying and trying to find answers that we must be still. How quickly it is forgotten in the hustle and bustle of overwhelming thoughts and plans. "Be still and know that I am God."...We are only human.

I went for a run today...My mind went blank. As I closed my eyes and raised my hands to the kingdom, loosing myself behind my eyelids and the heart beat in my ears syncing to Train's "When I look to the sky"...I lost myself in so many ways and now I am working to get myself back on track. Moving forward and continuing to love hard and often...

It is indeed what we are called to do...To love and be loved.